No Contact: When is enough enough?

There's two reasons to go NC - #1 Is to try to make the person who left you feel some sense of loss themselves, and hopefully miss you. #2 is to help you get over them, it's harder to move on when you have to see/hear from them.

My girlfriend just broke up with me, and I'm currently in NC. We did live together, so in the first couple of days, there was limited contact. I left the apartment the night she dumped me, met with her the next morning and tried to convince her that this wasn't the way to deal with the problems, and then I texted her on Mother's Day, checking when she would be out so I could get some things. I left the cards I got her (and gift, a certificate to cover cost of pedicures for her and her daughter), because they were bought and written a week ago, back when I was oblivious to how she was feeling.

My reason for NC is to try to get her to miss me. I know that's a forlorn hope. She didn't break up with me out of anger, she did it with love for me as a person, and I could tell she felt horrible about feeling like she needed to do it, and that kind of breakup usually only comes once someone's pretty much emotionally checked out and ready to move on. Still, as much as I hate that I have it, the hope is there.

So how long should I hold this out? Understand that I loved both this woman and her daughter more than myself, and at the very least, I'd still like to be friends with her, and go to concerts and stuff like we used to, and I'd also like to be available as a babysitter at least. Yeah, it'd suck seeing her with a new guy, but ultimately, I feel like losing them completely would suck even worse.

The only thing that would change how I feel about this is if she got back with her daughter's father, which I seriously don't think would happen, but of course, anything's a possibility at this point. I did tell her the last time I saw her that once I'm over her, I still want to be friends.

So assuming NC is to make someone miss you, what's the outer range before you just give up and say "f*ck it, this isn't working"? and start contact again?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Mate, the funny thing about your situation and mine (mine is the post below your by the way) is that my girlfiriend left me pretty much exactly the same time (day before mothers day).

    She was super upset at the prospect of hurting me.

    We went into no contact for the last 8/9 weeks, and in that time I started getting better - expecially around weeks 5/6. I started dating other girls during this time - then BANG last week (week 8) a sense of loss hit me so hard that I have literally not known what to do wiuth myself I miss her so bad (see previous post).

    I sudeently found myself wanting to contact her more than ever (on a par with that first week of denial/disbelief) and have found myself obsessing over what I have lost.

    It's a truly horrible feeling mate.And I ended up emailing her today I'm sorry to say (about 3 hours ago) to tell her that I miss her. Nothing more, nothing less - just that I miss her.

    I felt like a huge weight had been lifted when I sent it - whether it was right or wrong to do so, I don't know. But I just needed to do so.

    My opinion, which is different to a lot of the guys on here, is that if you love someone, be honest with them. I'm not saying pour your heart out, as we both know that's going to have the opposite impact to the one you want. What I'm saying is, there is nothing wrong, and nothing un-manly about telling them how it is. As long as you aren't asking for anything in return, and not putting any pressure on them - you only get one chance at life and if you love someone tell them.

    Now in my situation, it's pretty intense as I spent the last 6 years of my life with this woman (I'm early thirties) so the sense of loss when you lose someone your that close to is unbelievable.

    It's a long rocky road to recovery - but for me there is no specific length for no contact. You will knwo when you're over them mate, and likewise, like me, you will know it in your heart if the time is right to break no contact.

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What Girls Said 1

  • That's not how nc works. It's doesn't MAKE someone miss u. It gives them the OPPORTUNITY to miss you. There is no guaranty she will. I think you made it clear the door is open but it's her choice to walk through that door. There also is no magic number of days or weeks or months that nc should work by. Your best chance ( and that's all it is a chance) at a friendship or reconciliation of the relationship is to keep nc until she contacts you IF she does. If not she doesn't contact you then she doesn't want a friendship/relationship w you. The only time it may be okay to break nc w her is when you no longer want/need to talk to her or be friends or more. And the reason why is because you won't risk being more hurt or rejected if things don't go the way you want. I know it's hard but I promise the pain does go away. Nc works. #1 it allows them to miss you #2 you don't push them farther away #3 you keep your dignity if things don't work themselves out #4 it allows you to heal and move on faster if they don't contact you. #5 you allow their actions to be genuine and come from them alone. If she wants it she will reach out. Promise. If not you have given yourself a foundation to move forward. Hope this helps good luck. STAY STRONG.

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What Guys Said 4

  • You should do no contact for a year. I'm not exaggerating either. Try to move on and grow from this before reconnecting with you ex.

    You probably don't want to hear that but I have dealt with this a million times.

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  • It is done in an effort to allow her to move on and also to hopefully get the person to miss you

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  • No contact doesn't make a person miss you. It helps in repelling them away from you forever if you keep in it.

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  • Read this :

    link

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    • It doesn't help matters though, that #2 applies to me. We had a definite relationship, and one of her biggest reasons for changed feelings, according to her, was that it got to the point where I really wasn't spending time with friends of my own, and I was always there, hovering by her, when we were out with hers, and she'd feel bad about leaving me at home by myself for girls' nights, even though I'd told her several times that I was completely okay with that.

      Good article. Food for thought.

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