How to handle a girl who is scared of a relationship but is moving fast?

I have been going out with a girl who has expressed from the start she was hesitant about being in a relationship because she has dated a couple guys who cheated on her, including one after dating for a few years. I am 25, and she is 21. I told her we would move slow, but since we started she has been moving fast. She introduced me to her parents after our first official date (she lives at home and invited me over after the date). She initiated our first kiss, she basically initiated every advancement.

The day after our third date, she got scared off by how fast it was moving and I thought she called us off because she wouldn't answer my phone calls and only sent me one text saying "Im not ready" so I thought it was over. After two days of no contact she got back in contact with me and told me she wanted to keep seeing me and that she did what she did because she was scared.

Ever since getting back in contact with me about a week ago, she is accelerating our relationship again. She has told me things such as that she should probably get back on birth control, that she hopes I can go to her nurse school graduation (which is over a year away), she has told me she really likes me. She even told me once that she doesn't want me to try and have sex with her and then leave her and that she wants to be my best friend as well as my girlfriend, and I responded "you want to by girlfriend?" and she said "eventually".

Anyway, this girl is kind of moving fast, but I honestly don't really mind that too much. I am just scared that she is going to be scared off again if we move too fast, but again she is the one doing it. Should I try and get her to slow it down, or should I do the opposite and let her know I am serious and maybe that will help her calm down and realize that I am not about to leave her and she will worry less.

Any suggestions would help


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Most Helpful Guy

  • She just need you to slow down. She actually likes you a lot, and even likes to be in a relationship but not just now.

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    • She decided last night after I asked this that she wanted to be my girlfriend. She basically told me she wished we were dating.

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  • This inconsistency throws up some major red flags. I'd run for the hills, and here's why.

    1) Right off the bat, she's hesitant about being in a relationship. If she isn't crazy about being with you, then any excuse is just an excuse. She's just not that into you.

    2) She doesn't know what she wants. She's 21 years old, how much of a real dating history could she have had if one relationship lasted a few years? Seems like she has poor calibration in terms of partner choice.

    3) After she's hesitant, she accelerates rapidly. What the f*ck. Can you guess why other guys were so easily able to take advantage of her?

    4) She introduced you to her parents... directly after the first date. You might as well have had a family dinner instead of going out. This screams... something, maybe insecurity? Instability? I don't trust it. It just doesn't jive with common sense. You don't even introduce first-time acquaintances to your family; it usually takes *at least* a few weeks to get to know someone in any substantial measure.

    5) Hot-cold. You go on three dates, you've already met the parents... and then she falls off the map. How are you supposed to deal with a person like this? Communication is key, and I can imagine this scenario getting worse as the relationship continues.

    6) Total incongruence. Again with the acceleration, but in the end, it didn't even go anywhere. She's inviting you to an event that's a year away... but she's not comfortable being called your girlfriend? WTF is "eventually" supposed to mean?

    You need to be more in control of this situation. You're allowing her to run the show and move fast, and she's pulling back because you're not putting on the brakes. You need to set the pace and gauge what the reasonable level of escalation is.

    "Try and get her to slow it down" is like planning to fail. You have rights in the relationship, too. Let her know by your actions as well as your words that you are serious about her, and that you want to take your time, enjoy the sights, and smell the roses, if you will. If you're in it for the long haul, then you have a whole lifetime to get to know each other, so be careful not to burn out at the start.

    She'll be calmer once she feels and understands that you have things under control and that you won't let her emotions hijack her decision-making process - basically, that you will protect her from herself.

    It's up to you to set that boundary. Or run for the hills, like I recommended earlier.

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