How can I get through to my ex-wife that it's over?

I was with my ex-wife for ten years. The first couple years were pretty good, but even in that early few years, I started having feelings that I'd made a mistake. But I had been a...let's call it, free spirited for all my life, had never been with anyone longer than a few months, and I really really wanted to settle down...so I think I "settled". Well, only couple years into relationship after we moved in together, it started getting rocky. We basically had some ridiculous huge blowouts and arguments throughout the last 7 years of the relationship. We saw counselors for years, we read books, and when we were doing well for a time about four years ago...we had a child together. That obviously made things much more complicated..

So about a year ago, I had finally had enough. I decided I was done and I told her it's over. However, due to some issues that is a long story in itself, I couldn't move out. We ended up living together the whole last year. Then two months ago, finally cleared up all the issues, and I said I was making plans to move out. That set her off and she spiraled quickly in a deep depression/breakdown. She did some crappy things during that few weeks to try to change my mind, including going through my email, trying to manipulate me to stay because of what it will do to the kids (she also has a teenage son from previous marriage), but after that, all the sudden EVERYTHING changed. She dumped all her old reacts, started being extra nice, basically everything I ever asked her to be over the last 7 years, but it's too late for me. I don't want to be with her anymore, I see her differently now and that's not the same person I fell in love with. Plus, I don't believe you can just change everything about yourself overnight.

She is persistent in trying to get me to stay, but I'm determined to leave, and do it healthily, supporting her and the kids, good co-parenting techniques, have kids talk to counselors as needed, help her get on her feet, etc. But she thinks that we just need to foster "us" and do stuff and love will grow again. I want to move on, so how do I convince her it's over?


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What Girls Said 1

  • Marriage is a commitment. You want the easy way out. The old her can return, you just need to work at it. You are giving up, and ruining their happiness for your own, and you are being selfish. Don't get me wrong. I'm not judging. Actually, I was in your shoes. I was in a marriage for 3 years, and included my daughter from a past relationship. And It just DIDN'T WORK! Too much drama. And I gave up. I kicked him out. I filed for divorce. In retrospect, I realized I took the easy way out. I didn't want to be happy, and I made him and my daughter sad when I broke it off. Now, I wonder where he is, and I'm sure he has a new girl. And all I remember is the good times. I know there were really bad times.. but those memories seem to have faded away quicker, while the good ones stayed. Maybe... Maybe.. Now read the first 3 lines again.

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    • The added info I didn't include here is that we aren't actually married. Was easier to say that we are instead of just living together for last 9 years.

      Thanks for the response, and yes, I do feel like I'm being selfish at times, but the thing is I simply don't love her anymore, nor am I attracted to her anymore. There is absolutely nothing there. So am I supposed to stay just for the kids and hope someday I am attracted to her again?

    • Oh... Not married. Damn. That's a toughy. Well, I completely understand the "not attracted to her" I went thought it and it was hell. I felt like a caged bird, if you catch my drift.

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