Cheating on my BF... do I confess?

First of all, I know this is not what 'good' people do. I got myself into a mess and don't know what to do.

I was seeing someone for about 6 months. I was really in love with him, but never felt he was serious about me. It was 2 months before he told he was seeing other people. It really hurt me. I stopped contacting him and he stopped contacting me. After 2 months of not hearing from him, I met someone else.

I have been with the new guy for 5 months now. We hit it off right away. However, the first guy came back all apologizes saying that he gets very depressed in the winter, hence the disappearance. He also confessed that he has Aspergers, which explained the emotional distance. When I told him that I am seeing someone else, he cried. He has now went into hyper-gear to get me back. In the past month, we have spent more time together and has even introduced me to his parents. We have messed around, but no sex since my boyfriend asked us to be exclusive.

I love both of them. The new guy is someone I could have a future with. He's 30 and wants to settle down and have kids (what I want).

I know the first guy will not commit (he's 36 and although we have never talked about it, I doubt he wants to ever settle down).

Why don't I want to let them go? Both of these guys are out of my league, especially the first guy. He is extremely attractive, super fit, a DJ, AND has a PhD. The second, nice guy is also extremely attractive, intelligent and committed. My mean-girl 'friends' like to point out that I am not the kind of person who has these kind of people fall in love with them. I'm a highly intelligent person, but I'm no beauty queen. They may ironically think of me as the safe choice.

What do you suggest I do? If it's talk to my boyfriend, HOW? What do I say?

Or do I stop seeing the first guy? He disappeared once before, and is still seeing other people after being with me for a year.

Thoughts? I screwed, certainly. Now what?!?!


Most Helpful Guy

  • Nobody is out of anybody's league, that is just some crap value someone made up :P

    You're not a cheater, you moved on without your heart healing completely first, and now you have feelings for two guys. But so far, you didn't screw anyone and you're in the process of choosing. Sounds like your an honest person to me.

    The right thing to do is choose boyfriend #2 because-

    --Morally it makes sense-- #1 lost his chance, even if he feels bad about it he's 36 and has a Ph.D - welcome to the world of logical consequences and legitamite risks. Maybe he'll think things through more carefully in the future.

    --Practically it makes sense-- #2 has life goals (i.e., kids) that suit your own. This compatibility is important.

    --Temporally it makes sense-- #1 you said is extremely attractive, super fit, DJing, and running a career. Well that takes a lot of time. How are you going to fit into all that? How would a family fit into that even if he gave you one? Can he even hear you over the sound of how awesome he is? Be the plant that gets watered.

    --Risk management makes sense-- #1 saw other people after being with you for a year. Maybe he's a little non-committal at best, and a player at heart at worst. Of course, #2 could be worse, but you have to go on the information you have more than the information you don't have.

    I know its tough on the heart to pick. Your feelings for both are real. Its going to hurt to tell one good-bye.

    • I really appreciate your understanding. I think you are absoluetly right about it all. First, I haven't crossed any lines that have been agreed upon between my Boyfriend and I. And guy #1 is a textbook player, whether he intends to be or not. I think he doesn't understand the impact of his actions. And he had his chance.

      I also think my Boyfriend knows allot more than he leads on. I suspect he's giving me space and time to sort out my feelings. That makes him champion in my books.

      Thanks again!

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • With regards to the first guy, your reasons for "keeping him" are selfish and BS. It's like if I was trying to keep a girl around because she was pretty and had great boobs, even though I knew a relationship would never work out. As you said, you and the first guy want different things, and you have no long-term future. Be honest about that and let him go. You can't be a "collector" when it comes to relationships; you can't keep a guy on your shelf to periodically admire and dust off when it suits you.

    The first guy also blew it. HE started seeing other people, and HE didn't contact you for months. Now you are with another guy, and it sounds like he's a good guy and you have some long-term compatibility with him. Focus on him, and tell the first guy that it's over, and that he needs to move on.

    • Well, it's not really that he's 'hot'. We're both academics, which means allot to me. We connect on a cerebral level. My Boyfriend and I have a very silly relationship which is allot of fun, but we don' t discuss anything outside of records and farts. It's dating my best friend. Which is awesome, but its like we skipped romance and went straight to sweat pants. The first guy is all about the woo.

      He's also 'not on the shelf' because he's seeing other people too.

      Your right about focusing on the good one

  • Wow...and who says women are more faithful than men? The new guy deserves someone better. It would be great if they both dumped you. Not sure if that will happen, so why not have sex with both of them and don't tell either about the other. Why just stop at messing around? You gone this far, now you have just a little ways to go to be a full douche.

    • Less than helpful.

    • Show All
    • Projection much? Who hurt you big boy? Little guess, it wasn't me. Keep your baggage.

    • I'm not the one cheating, nor have I ever.

What Girls Said 2

  • I'd say stop seeing the 1st guy as he never talked to you about settling down, and for me it seems like the current boyfriend you have now is someone you could have a future with... Maybe you're more attached to him as he's the one you used to love before and he's super attractive, but trust me, if he could cheat on you once, he could cheat on you twice... I feel pity for the second guy, he never cheated on you, I don't blame you completely as I'm currently facing the same trouble with my ex that I loved whole heartedly, now I'm with someone with better prospect and being truthful to me, but when my ex came back into my life, I have hard times to cut contact with him, but trust me, this is what we should do, cut all ties with the 1st one... Never tell the 2nd guy what's happening, I did that mistake, I showed my current boyfriend the texts my ex sent to me about wanting me back and stuff even though I didn't replied in a way suggesting I'm accepting him back, it causes my current boyfriend to be extremely jealous with my ex, asking me to block him on FB, and due to this my current deleted me on FB due to anger. I regretted it, but thank god, things are better now... My current boyfriend told me he never spoke of his exes, so he wants me to do the same, I said so what do you want me to do if he text me again? Keep it secret from you? I told you because I don't wanna lie to u. He said don't tell me about it, but I trust you...But of course this doesn't end his jealousy over my ex... Therefore I am trying my best to cut ties with my ex, and I suggest you do the same as it seems like the 2nd guy seems more like a serious kind of guy with less drama... Be strong girl, I know you can do it, let go of the 1st guy, focus on the 2nd guy... Wish you luck and all the best!

  • Whilst I empathise with him with regards to his conditions, he's not silly. He realized what he had with you too late and now wants you back. Don't fall for it, I've seen guys and girls do this and it's extremely manipulative. From what you're saying, the new guy sounds great. Don't mess things up with him.

    • Yeah, he would probably turn off the charm if I were more available...