How do I stop holding my ex's mistakes against my new boyfriend?

Ny last/first relationship was an awful one I was a big girl then actually I still am the only thing that's changed is I have more confidence in who I am now. My ex and I jumped into our relationship to soon. I didn't have any confidence back then so when someone said they cared about me I just believed it, maybe I was also naive. A relationship was rocky to start with but three months into it he came back from a vacation with his brother with a new girlfriend so I ended our relationship. Two months later he came back after they broke up saying he felt pressured by his brother to say yes to dating the girl but he really loved me. Having no confidence and thinking I couldn't do better I took him back. As the months progressed I noticed he wouldn't hold my hand, kiss me, or even walk beside me in public. In fact he would walk ten feet ahead of me pretty much. I later found out from his father after I broke up with him for cheating on me again. That he did all that because he was ashamed of my size. Which didn't seem to bother him in the bedroom mind you. Which made me feel cheap and used. Now that I have a new boyfriend I find I'm holding these past resenments against him. He swears up and down that my size isn't a issue that he attracted to me and loves my personality and is not embarrassed by me. I get paranoid because he doesn't want our colleges to know we're dating right away because he's shy. Which makes me paranoid I'm walking the same path again. I also find I'm moving at a snails pace in the intimacy area ( haven't even kissed him yet) because I'm scared of being hurt and feeling used again. For some reason I feel the need of people to know we're dating before I can open up. How do I stop holding my past insucurities against my new boyfriend before I wreck what we have now?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • With this situation you have right now, there's nothing that HE can do to help you. Because no matter what you do, your emotional turmoil will dispel any positive effort he makes.

    Self-esteem building imo is all about focusing on your positives (the easy part), and accepting the negatives and not-so-rosy parts of yourself (the hard part).

    If your size bothers you, and you want to lose some weight, make gradual changes such as drinking less liquid cals and going for walks around the neighborhood. Even that simple change may boost your confidence initially! :)

    Im not trying to harp on your size, I just noticed that as the main cause of your insecurity in this question.

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    Pretty much the solution for this is self-esteem building.

    Think...what have you been good at? What do your friends and family members say good about you? What are your hobbies, abilities and topics are you are knowledgeable about?

    Now think...what things do you NOT like about yourself? Are these things you feel are able to be gradually be eliminated from your sense of self? If not, are you willing to accept your imperfection and own it because that makes you an authentic person?

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    I hope my rant helped you out, QA. I don't like hearing about women having low self-esteem, so I do my best to help! :)

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What Guys Said 1

  • Simply look at your new boyfriend as a new person.

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What Girls Said 2

  • You either need to be alone for awhile to get over what your ex did or else realize that your new boyfriend IS NOT your ex and thus you should not be punishing him for your exes mistakes.

    I quickly Dump people who do this to me. It's not fair.

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  • I completely know what you are talking about. What I do is that I keep all the nice messages my boyfriend sends me. And when I'm starting to have doubts, or negative thoughts (because of what the last one did to me, obviously) I look at those messages, and I reread them. and I tell myself "he won't cheat on me. He is different" then I feel happy. (all of this happens in my head, of course, I never let my boyfriend know that this is what is happening) Don't let him know. Just smile, and the negativity will pass without causing any problems.

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