I want to spend my life with her, she's more than I could have ever hoped for. But for some reason my brain is contantly in search of flaws and tries to convince me of reasons not to continue seeing her. I know it's just my disorder talking and I'm never going to act on them, but it causes me such painful anxiety attacks where all these negative thoughts come rushing at me and I need to get rid of them. When I get like that she panics and freaks out that I'm going to break up with her.
It'll start where like my friend will make a joke about someone being on drugs and my mind will go something like:
"She used to be a drugee" (weed)
"here's a mental image of her all f***ed up"
"here she is smoking a pipe"
"here she is smoking a bong"
"here she is high as f*** saying stupid sh*t"
"here she is smoking salvia" (she tried it once by accident)
"here she is tripping balls on salvia"
"here she is kissing her ex-bf"
"here she is f***ing him"
"here she is f***ing someone else"
"here she is moaning his name"
"here she is saying everything she says to me, to him"
etc. and it just goes on and on
The thing is, I don't consciously care about any of this. I forgive her for smoking weed - even she says it was f***ed up of her to do and she gave it up. I forgive her for smoking salvia because she did it by accident (thought it was weed). I forgive her for not being a virgin when I met her (I was). I forgive her for smoking cigarettes (she's quitting and doing very well at it). Yet it all still gives me so much anxiety that I don't know what to do about it.
Has anyone else been through this? What can I do to make this all go away?
Most Helpful Girl
youll have to provide are 'brain' with alternate pictures. instead of thinking of her f***ing an ex. think of her fcking u. instead of thinking of her smoking pot think of her smiling. just replace bad thoughts with good ones.
i don't expect you to stop thinking of her nor to stop thinking, so offer an exchange. replace old events you were not witness to. with new experiences you witnessed. they will become more real because you saw them and were part of them.
imagine how you want things to be and imagine that. fantasize about what is and what you want to be--not of what was.
you don't have to stop are accept anything. just use your active imagination for good. do an exchange.
also I think doing an activity when you start to think of bad things will help. replce the imagine with a positive one. then go do something you look forward to. eventually you'll want to think of positve things because it = doing something you enjoy. your brain will favor the positive thoughts.
meditation. practice emptying all thoughts. ths gives you control over what you let in to your minds eye.