Boyfriend doesn't trust me, What can I do?

Long story short, I'm going out with an amazing guy right now. He's 24. Anyways as I was saying, He's amazing in every way and we've been going out for 2 months. Here's my problem. Last year of September, his relationship ended with his ex fiance. Yes, he almost got married and this woman had a kid from another man. They went out for 2 years, and because she had a kid, they were basically like family. And that all fell apart last September. He has been cheated on by her and lied to multiple times of course by her. 7 months later, which should be April, is when I met him, and on the 22nd is when he asked me out, and tomorrow is going to be 2 months. one month of us going out, was all fun and cute, honeymoon stage of course. but a few days after the one month mark hit, it started going down. He talked to me one night telling me how I was being suspicious, always taking my phone with me to go talk to people, he didn't understand why I couldn't just stay in the same room as him and talk to my friends, then also when I'd text people, and he'd try to see, I'd try to hide my phone, but I only meant it in a playful way. I wasn't really try to hide anything from him, but it bothered him because his ex did it, she was suspicious, but she was actually doing stuff behind his back, while I on the other hand am not doing anything. So, because of stupid issues like that, he doesn't trust me, though the way he makes it seem is as if I've already cheated on him and lied to him multiple times. Which I have not, During the two months he & I have gone out, I haven't done anything super bad or anything physical, or talked to or flirted with any guys while going out with him, all I did was act "suspicious" and it makes no sense to me for him to pull back. Since he doesn't trust me, he is now basically being distant and ignoring, TESTING ME. and I'll quote the text he said. I talked to him last night asking why he was so distant and he said, "This is just what I want, like I said, I want to see what you do, so me spending less time with you shows me what you do and what decisions you make without me around or without me influencing you." No, how is being distant going to help you try to trust me? He's so insecure and it makes me mad and sad. I think, in my opinion, he is just killing our relationship doing this, not talking to me at all nor wanting to see me. I just wish there was some way to show him that I'm here to stay and that I'm different. I AM NOT HIS EX. I'm not and never would cheat on him or lie to him about stupid things. I'm loyal and honest. and I wish he could just trust me, trust that I won't hurt him, but I understand where he's coming from, because I've been in a situation like him, I never thought I'd be able to let a boy into my life again because I've been hurt so badly before, but I accepted him, and I'm happy I did because he really is an amazing, sweetest guy ever, !

Updates:
Do we all agree though, that his tactic of not seeing me nor talking to me would kill our relationship? The way I see it, when he said that in the text to me, I see it as he wants me to prove to him that I won't do anything wrong, he wants me to be the guy and make all the effort and just show him that I'm here to stay..


what should I do? I haven't seen him for already about 3 weeks. And I really miss him.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • A sweet guy doesn't make accusations, and doesn't play mind games. Maybe when he truly gets over his issues he'll have the potential to be sweet. Your relationship doesn't stand a chance if he can't trust you and if he continues to punish you for someone else's behavior. He sounds a little controlling at the moment (manipulative at least) and that's not good. You could hang in there a little while longer, but you have to be very clear to him that he needs to work on his behavior, straight up tell him you are not his ex and don't appreciate being treated as such. Remind him of your past experience with the cheating you delt with and that you could never do that to someone just like you trust him not to do it to you. And you deserve trust to go both ways! Give it some time (set a time for yourself that you'll try to make it work) if things arnt improving leave. You'll have done everything you could by then and open his eyes. Don't tell him your giving him an ultimatum though. He won't appreciate being threatened, but do this for yourself!

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What Guys Said 2

  • He isn't the sweetest man ever; he is wounded and incapable of handling his wounds. You should not hold out for this ride but should you choose to there is nothing you can do about it and you should simply prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for a very uncomfortable time.

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    • I agree with your assessment that it would kill the relationship. His behavior is reminiscent of someone who hasn't finished grieving and you inherited the curse of his Ex, which is his mentality towards people, specifically women, regardless of their actual behaviors. He probably doesn't trust anyone at all, let alone someone he's romantic with, and considering the depth of the previous relationship he probably wants this one to"end" in a conflicted emotional fashion. He is unstable.

    • As for what you should do, normally I don't suggest it, but it's time for ... an ultimatum. He can't hold you to the standards of the past and if he should choose to continue down this path and refuse to grieve no one wins. Everyone is sick. You being around prolongs his recovery. His being around you only creates turmoil and spreads his misery. So he has to make a decision: Either quit the BS and keep his emotions in check and deal with them or quit the relationship and do some hermitage.

  • lol Sounds like your just a side girl as in plan B. Cause why would a guy tell his girlfriend that. He wants you to chase him and by doing that he is feeding of it and getting a self esteem boost. What you need to do is woman up

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What Girls Said 4

  • Yes obviously it will kill the relationship. But allowing him to play these games is a bad idea! It doesn't prove anything. Probably only create more lack of trust. Because it either won't know what your doing or feel that its okay to spy on you in some manner. It also sends the message that your okay with this kind of behavior, and will just take it in the future. A boyfriend or girlfriend shouldn't have to know everything about each other. Each person is entitled to a bit of privacy (respect) and faith in them.

    It's been three weeks and you miss him, OK. Well think of how much more upset you'll be when he breaks up with you or wants more space again because you doing so other thing he deems as suspicious. Like texting your cousin mike, that he didn't know was your cousin, for example.

    Personally I would just tell him that if he wants to be with me, he has to be with me! He can't keep creating space (and emotional turmoil) with you constantly wondering if he'll still be there - not cool!

    Trust is something that a person decides for themselves, that is felt, that is given freely. It can't have a time limit built on contingentcies. You can't say well if A occures and b,c,d follow the way I want. I'll trust you. More than likely he'll find an excuse where B, C, or D, did not live up to his expectations or he'll make up an excuse as to why it went perfectly. Like; "well she knew this is what I was going so of course she's on her best behavior."

    Sorry, if that didn't make sense.

    He either trusts you or he doesn't but he has to figure it out.

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  • He sounds really insecure and awful. I would let it go if he continues this. While I do believe a gut feeling can cause this behavior on his end, he's just plain misguided here and didn't allow himself enough time to heal from his ex.

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    • "let it go" as in dump him. I couldn't tolerate being accused like that. I'm the type to let my boyfriend go through my phone whenever, but if he acts like I'm guilty until proven innocent, no way. He can go be crazy somewhere else.

  • it sounds like he is wounded and needs time to heal

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  • Red flags x a million!

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