How do you respond to guy choosing mother over GF?

Due to a family death, my boyfriend was gone for a week back to his family. Then the day he returned he had to go to work, so I Haven't had any "quality time" with him in a little over 2 weeks. I spoke to him for maybe half an hour each day when he got home from work, and maybe 5-10 minutes each day while he was gone home. Last night would have been our first evening to be together, eat or go do something together. He didn't text me hardly at all yesterday which was unusual. He was off all day. I sent him a text and he says "talking to mom." So when I got home an hour or so after that, he was still on the phone with his mother. No dinner cooked like he was going to. So I started making dinner. He got off the phone 1/2 hour after and started screaming at me. "What is your problem! can't you see that I have things to do? Why don't you have some compassion, I have things to do?" So then he was drunk also and asked me to go to the store to get a lighter for the grill. I come back from store and he was on the phone just bs'ing with a cousin. So when I went where he was and just sat down while he was on the phone, he got mad.

He started flipping out saying "why don't you ever mow the lawn, clean this, etc etc." I wouldn't answer him as he was trashed and he says "you can't answer me then you can forget having your tubal reversal surgery Wednesday." My reply was "you pull this EVERY week for the last several months. I'm tired of it. No tubal reversal, that's fine...no sex and you can consider us done!" His says "just learn to deal with it. When I want to do something I will!" I know that he wanted to say "just move out", but won't because he knows that I have the $$ and I will move out.

I'm frustrated because we only see each other for a couple hours on Thurs/Fri evening and half day Saturday, and haven't saw him in over 2 weeks and he wants to spend his time on the phone with his mother. Any thoughts?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • he is an A..hole mommy's boy! Dump him and move on. There is no future if that is the state of your relationship now! No amount of talking to him will change anything. Get on with your own life and find someone normal!

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    • are you normal? Don't "normal" people acknowledge parental bonds? So according to dopey/retard people as yourself, people shouldn't love/respect their mothers?

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    • lol. no, not all.

      i'm simply saying the OP is denying him the right to associate/care for his mother. who is she to do this?

    • Glad you could laugh! OK, we are square? Cheers!

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What Guys Said 14

  • sounds like a lot going on

    first of all he could be grieving this family death. while some cry some people grieve differently and one of those ways could be to be extra emotional and also irrational. so I would try to have some compassion in that sense

    at the same time, whether it's grief or not, behaving in a rather abusive way.

    i imagine his mother provides an unconditional shoulder for him to cry, lean, vent, on etc. she also probabyl knows how to handle some of his moods since there relationship is very long.

    I think you need to find a time when he is sober to communicate with him. first of all come up with (writing it down helps) ways that he has hurt you or you have felt hurt. also come up with ways that perhaps you haven't been as supportive as you could have been. this will help disarm him and make him realize that you are simply blaming everything on him. hopefully a good conversation will help him realize how his behavior is affecting you and how you may be at your wits end

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    • IMO his mother is a no good piece of gossiping sh*t.

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    • I am sorry, but I am not one to dwell on things forever which is what he wants. I've already told him I am sorry, but I am not going to keep saying it over and over and over. As he would tell me "I don't need the drama right now." So I am giving back what he gave to me.

    • I think he is a momma's boy punk who needs to go to prison and get his ass rearranged.

  • Mother is a blood relation and no body will ignore it. Girlfriend is relation after getting adulthood and it is associated with sex. If you can not respect his attachment for his mother, you need not to be with him. In Indian culture male and female do not marry each other - it is a family association and girl accepts everybody of his man`s family. Guy treat her father and mother equal to his mother and father. This is one of the great thing of Indian culture.

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    • Well glad to say I am not part of Indian culture because NEVER will I cower to a man and do whatever he thinks and feels is acceptable. Run women run!

  • It's hard to say because we are getting only your side of the story. He has had a death in the family and people respond in a variety of different ways to it. If he feels unsupported or pushed by you, he might lash out the way he is doing. I say try to have some empathy. If you leave him now, it will be obvious to him, you and everyone that you are an opportunist and kicked him when he was down.

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    • I had sympathy, but I won't baby or kiss anyones ass. Too bad if he feels unsupported because he has pulled this sh*t almost every week for MONTHS>

    • What do you mean? I thought it was over a death in the family. turns out he is just an alcoholic p**** who has to treat his girl like sh*t? He's supposed to love his girl, not sh*t all over her when things are hard.

  • Wow. He is abusive and a total a**hole. Drunk and screaming at you? Getting mad for sitting by him after you ran an errand for him and started dinner? Demanding you mow the lawn and clean because he was trashed? Doing it every week for months?

    Well, good thinking not having his child, there are enough drunk abusive f***ing a**holes in the world. You should get away from him as soon as you can, because a person experienced in the world knows he has an anger problem. This is controlling/abusive behavior, not physically but I bet he has grabbed you, if not squeezed or pushed you, and he will be slapping and hitting you before long. He is probably looking in your cellphone to see if you talk to other guys, telling you what to do and where to go..

    Why are you frustrated? Why would you spend your time with an a**hole like that? He doesn't care about your feelings.

    Ironically, you know what will happen if you threaten to leave? He will apologize, be nice, try to get you to stay, and then when he thinks he has you locked in, start the abuse again. I'm sure it's happened before.

    Stay with him and see what happens- maybe he will only smash all your sh*t and bloody you up until he is in rehab, anger management, you have a restraining order, and he stalks you and goes to prison. Or maybe he will kill you. Maybe you'll have a baby and he will shake it to death when he is drunk because it won't stop crying, and he is a f***ing worthless lowlife scum sucking piece of sh*t. You can do better. If you think you can't, you'd still be better off alone. Get some therapy before you get hurt.

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    • Hey Look! He's online right now! And it looks like he's been drinking. Poor Poor aMuse, you'll never have a girlfriend that truly loves you.

  • Meh, there's two sides to every story. All of his complaining and frustration with you could be justified for all I know.

    Unless you're his wife, he SHOULD choose his mother over you.

    How would you feel if your son chose some random girlfriend over you?

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    • I'm not a "random girlfriend". I am the f***ing woman he lives with. SO as I stated in others responses. IF he chooses her over me then we are done.

    • Oh you live with him? Random girlfriend. One of the many he'll live with before marrying an actual woman.

      Paradoxically, choosing the mother means he's done with you too?

  • You need to have a talk with him while he's sober. If you tell him what he's been doing when he's drunk and shows no remorse or keeps drinking it might be time for a break or even ending the relationship. If he just a family member die he is probably using the alcohol as an escape. But if he hurts you in the process that's not good. The choosing his mom over you thing is how it should be. Regardless if you are married or not. His mom is the reason he's here

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  • The outbursts & issues that are directed at you are long standing problems to him, burrs under his saddle ... that are not big deals when life is a smooth sail with mai tais on tap. These are issues that need some sort of resolution someday - not now, so table them.

    What obviously is going on is deep grief in all concerned (except you). I might even guess his grief can't be resolved because he has Mom's grief all on his shoulders, trying to resolve hers first ... perhaps others are dumping on him as well. So think of him as drowning trying to save these others and if/when they can finally swim on their own, he might be able to take a breath and also swim to shore. Expect he might be sensitive for a few more weeks, even months to such a death. Right now, many people that were insiders are fenced off as non-family when in such pain, angry that family was taken forever away.

    So what to do to get what you want/need? Love. It's simple, just think and ask what you can do to either take some of that burden drowning him from him or what to do to massage the pains away .. perhaps it's as simple as mowing the lawn, or whatever to begin. These seeds of kindness will have him back in your arms in no time.

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    • Its funny you say "mow the lawn." He screamed at me last night "why can't anyone ever mow the lawn, clean the kitchen this way, etc". I WONT mow the lawn because last time I did, all I heard was "let me do it. No one ever knows how to mow the lawn the right way." So, no I won't do things he wants me to do.

    • Sweety, let's not quibble over distracting details like mowing - you get the overall concepts, right? ;)

    • yeah sure. Do what the screaming drunk tells you to do. that will resolve it. You don't know your place woman, when a man is in pain you do every thing he says while he gets f***ing smashed. How about the punk mans up and learns to cope with his feelings without taking them out on someone else? You don't want to stay with a punk ass baby like this.

  • You sound like a piece of trash to be honest. Death in the family and you're selfishly demanding his time... There's nothing else to say...

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    • Have to agree here. What the hell QA...

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    • Apparently he's stalking me to. Funny sh*t.

    • I guess he sees something wrong with going to see Wold War Z with a few friends and hitting a pizzeria for a few pies and pitchers of beer in among good company and conversation. It's much more fun to sit in a dark room and stalk the live feed, waiting for you opportunity to talk crap about some random internet user. Oh how I envy thee. =P

  • lol..

    you're an idiot on a number of levels:

    - Erm, his mum gave birth to him/raised him. did you?

    - Generally, though not absolutely, in human beings we value family over non-family. get with the programme, idiot.

    So in some way, you ALWAYS will be second. If you're too dim to comprehend how humans function, then you most likely don't deserve a significant other.

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    • I see you are one of those "suck your mothers t*ts" types huh? I don't give two sh*ts if she raised him. Guess he has a choice to make...me or her.

    • lol.. and I saying that people (not just men) value their family. to suggest otherwise is bull.

      maybe he should not be SO close, but to expect him NOT to be close is sh*t. Accept he has a right (nay, prerogative) to be close to his mother, provided he does not neglect you. it's about balance, not a "her or me".

  • Sounds like I'd rather spend time with his mom than you. Just reading through your question and your responses to respondents, I think you're quite odious.

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    • I think you are a really really lame person for saying that when she is being abused by an alcoholic. I think you are odious too, Salty Dog. A real lame dud.

  • Sounds like you should have moved out long before this death in the family!

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    • Why is that? Because he got sh*t faced drunk last nite, totally forgot I existed and is going to use his brother as his excuse for everything? Because he has been sleeping for 15 hours now because he wasa f***ing drunk last night and needs to sleep it off? Well my best words. F*** HIM!

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    • yeah f*** that d***head. I'd dump him and tell him to go f***ing die. playing that death in the family sh*t as an excuse to abuse you... what a weak ass f**.

    • That's the spirit, even I can't approve your language!

      Best Answer, no?

  • do him a favor

    break up with him and tell him you're a bad person

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  • "So you like incest?"

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  • If you can't handle a family man...it's time to move on

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    • that's the kind of family you don't really want to have to handle. "How'd I get this black eye? Family vacation. Turns out I brought the wrong kind of hot dog rolls to the cookout."

    • haha. Too funny. He chooses her then we are done.

What Girls Said 4

  • There are a couple of things going on here. It is OK for him to want to comfort and support his mom.

    But he is blowing you off. At the very least he is taking his frustrations out on you. Do not allow that, EVER!

    This is a fairly typical male behavior. I have seen it before. Draw your line in the sand and stick with it. Tell him you undrestand and empathize with his situation, but he is not to talk to you that way. You will not have it! Then get out and never contact him. Move on and find someone else. It doesn't appear that he cares for you as much you care about him. Sorry

    I can handle being rejected for not negotiating my principles and self respect.

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    • No, its typical abusive alcoholic behavior. real men treat their girls with consideration and love no matter what. If you've seen it, your standards are too low. Tell him to go f*** himself or he is just going to think he can keep acting this way.

    • @ willyz Ahemmm, as I stated earlier I can handle being rejected for not compromising my principles and self respect.

  • i would say that family is more important even if it is not right

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    • You have a lot to learn in life then. IF you allow a man to put his mother before you, you are welcoming abuse and mistreatment.

  • i think you should move on, you would be better off

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  • Wait, so all of this was because of sex?

    I've heard of guys going ballistic for not having sex a couple of days, but there's more than one issue here to address. Him choosing his mother over his girlfriend is certainly not the main one, that's just being petty and heartless.

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