My boyfriend blames all of our disagreements on me?

We've been dating 5 months, but it quickly became serious/intense. We have a lot of fun together and are comfortable with each other, but a lot of times we disagree. We've had two big arguments/discussions (that lasted a little over an hour). One was three months ago.

Yesterday was the second, because I made a list (so I could remember, cause I often get frazzled with confrontation) about insulting things he's said to me the past week, which confused me because I just go back form vacation and I thought he missed me. To me, he seemed to speak in all seriousness, plus they're not the kind of things you joke about (like my body and how I did in university) but during our argument he said he was just joking, that I was so sensitive and didn't understand him. I said that was the point of the discussion, so that I could understand. He didn't seem to like me challenging him or basically telling him he did somethings wrong ie hurt my feelings / insulted me.

He said that not a great speaker of English and sometimes says things he doesn't know are hurtful or wrong. I don't get how because he's been speaking English for 5 years, works in a constantly speaking English environment and had a girlfriend for 4 years, lived with her for 3. He said that she would tell him when he said something wrong in a gentle way like 'darling, you can't say something like that' ect. But he clearly never insulted her body (or she took it lightly, was an angel, what the f*ck ever)

He kept mentioning all the good stuff while I said I know about all of that, but I'm trying to discuss the bad. He hates conflict but blames it all on me. I thought couples were supposed to discuss problems when they really mattered, especially since we're just learning each other (it's only been 5 months!) Even if the attraction to him is strong and we're committed, my point to him was that I still don't know him very well.


Most Helpful Guy

  • It sounds like he speaks English just fine, but he does not communicate well.

    When someone sits down to talk to you about something that's bothering them, one should listen and not be defensive. The fact that he's not really hearing what you're saying and it hadn't even been a half of a year, might be an indication that you may wish to find another boyfriend.

    I know that may seem like I'm suggesting that you give up before you really try, but he's really not trying and it's still somewhat early in the relationship. If he's not making an effort now, what's he going to be like in a year?

    You tried to talk to him because things he was saying hurt you. Whether it was a joke or not, it did hurt you. Any guy who doesn't know that making cracks about a woman's body is a foolish thing to do, isn't showing much respect or consideration. You're also right that if he missed you, he should have at least told you so and not made you feel like crap when you got back.

    Turning it around on you just shows that he's likely to be on of those guys, after he starts showing his true colors, who are abusive and then blame their victim.

    As much as I hate to say this, I'm not seeing a bright future for the two of you from what you've said.


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What Guys Said 1

  • He has no right to blame anything on you - or you on him.

    He also has no right to hold up the "duh, I was joking lol" excuse. You either apologize for what you did wrong, or you'll just keep trying to transfer the blame for the rest of your life.

    He had no right to blame you for whatever he's conjured up in his head - just like no on else has any right to say horrible things to someone and just say "lol joking". He owes you an apology (which isn't always easy to say, I admit), and you can either wait until you get one (and you deserve one, believe me) or you can get used to accepting the blame for things you haven't even done.

    The same rules apply for both of you, with regard to everything. He ought to trust you, and if he doesn't then the problem lies with him, not you.


What Girls Said 2

  • I don't think you should stay with him. My dad is like this and you don't need a guy like that in your household. Before you know it, he'll bring you to tears with his insults and then make you believe it's YOUR problem, it's YOUR fault, and now YOU need to figure it out. You don't need a guy who refuses to take responsibility for the hurtful things he says.

  • This is a redflag.

    I can't tell you what to do. Sit in a very quiet place & be as pensive as you can the solution will come to you, our brain has its ways of figuring out things. Just relax & whatever decision you make just ensure that it is best for you