I deserve better, don't I??

I'd like to thank you, in advance, for your help! Long story short. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. Recently, I learned (honestly, through snooping) that, for the first four years, he had cheated and also pursued other women (I'm sure, with the hopes OF cheating). At present, there are 4 women that I know of, probably more, one of which he carried on a relationship with for the better part of one year. After learning all of this, we had a huge fight. I yelled, screamed, cursed and cried. He apologized over and over again. After moving back into my own house (thank goodness I've maintained my own residence), I took a few days to calm down. I decided that I wanted to give him time to prove to me how sorry he was and allow him to put forth effort to make things right. That was two months ago, and not much effort has been made. He surprised me one night with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers. One week, he told me he was working on a surprise for me. This "surprise" took four days to finalize. One that day of the reveal, he throws out a last minute disclaimer telling me "Well, it's not a surprise for YOU, it's for everyone". Turns out, he had purchased two jet skis. I had never once mentioned wanting to own jet skis. He, on the other hand, has mentioned it numerous times throughout the years-so the gift was for himself. Lately, I've been throwing myself plenty of pity parties. Maybe this all stems from "daddy" issues (mine left when I was five, turns out he had been married and had other children...he never came back.) I'm realizing that not one man that I have ever dated has made me their first choice. It seems that I am "good enough for right now", but they've all continued to look for someone "better" while maintaining a relationship with me. This includes my own father. His other children/family was better than me. I'm tired of not being someone's first choice and I refuse to put up with it any longer. I am a good woman with good intentions and I deserve better. I deserve more than flowers and fricking jet skis after all he's put me through. I deserve more effort on his part...don't I? I've been distancing myself from him, intentionally, because it feels "safer" for me to be alone. The more distance between us, the less he can continue to hurt & disappoint me. I guess me questions are, have I given him enough time to repair the damage? It's been two months since my discoveries. He's normally not a very romantic guy, so what should I be expecting from him? Or, after two months of almost no effort, is that my answer? Are we prolonging the inevitable? Gosh, my head is spinning with questions and anger and hurt. Together, we have four children involved (2-his, one mine and one is our together.) But, I am not the type of woman to stay solely because we have children. If we're happier apart, then so be it. He seems hurt because I told him I feel safer being away from him, yet he's not trying to fix anything. Please help!

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Wow...okay...let me see what I can do here.

    1. Yes, you deserve better. But not because of the reasons you think you do.

    2. Second, don't go around saying you deserve anything. You don't deserve anything. You get what you earn on your own.

    3. This guy isn't good for you. He's like a bad Gandalf.

    Okay...let me see if I can wade through the rest of this. It sounds to me like you let guys get away with things. Part of that may be daddy issues, but all girls have daddy issues, so I tend to throw that out right away. I think you are just a genuinely good person and you don't realize that people are capable of horrible, awful, selfish things until they prove to you that they are.

    Now why guys don't put you as their first choice...there could be a number of reasons for that. Could be you don't put enough effort into the relationship. Could be not enough blowjobs. Could be because you like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Who knows. And really, who cares.

    The more important thing to realize here is that someone making you their first choice is exactly that...it's a choice. The guy chooses to make you his first choice...and it seems like you haven't been able to pick up on the fact that guys aren't making you their first choice. But that's okay too, because here's a little secret most girls don't know or acknowledge...a girl is never a guy's first choice. Sex is a guy's first choice, and the girl is always second. That doesn't make all guys awful, that's just how guys are wired. It's nothing personal.

    So what does that mean for you...find a guy who likes you for you. A guy who puts some effort toward you. A guy who embraces you and cares about you and asks you questions about your day. Find a guy who isn't typically the guy you go after. Try the quiet guy. Or try the geeky guy. You might be surprised.

    I wish you luck and hope you find that person who chooses to make you an important part of their life, not the most important, but one of the important things.

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    • Wow, thanks for your honesty! You definitely gave me a few things to think about. LOL I appreciate your taking the time to throw some honest answers my way!

    • Honesty is what you came here for. And I would be remiss not to give you an honest assessment.

      You'll learn this as you go, but relationships are 90% about knowing and being comfortable with yourself.

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What Guys Said 14

  • If you can live with the effort he's putting forth and the fact that he's a cheater than stick around for more of the same. I doubt you'll ever get any more effort out of him. He has a track record for treating you this way. On the other hand, if you can't live with the effort he's putting forth you should move on because again this is likely as much as you can expect from him.

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    • Very true! I think I realize now that what he's offering just isn't enough anymore. Thanks for answering! I appreciate it...

  • In your situation, I'd get out immediately. As you say, you deserve better than to be everyone's fall back or second choice.

    I'd make it final as of yesterday!

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  • You deserve so much better than him. He's selfish and only seems to care about himself. You should just end it with him and tell him off. I feel so bad for you. You need to find a man that will put you first.

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    • Thank you! I think I just needed to hear (or read, in this case) others tell me what my heart already knows. Thanks again!

  • First of all, I want to thank you for asking this question. I think that you deserve batter. My mother and step father we living kind of separately for the first 3 years or so, then they almost never communicated with each other, imo it could have been better if they walk separate ways when my brother was one or two yo. as it was bad experience for my bro and me watching them fighting. my step father did cheat and did come and visited my brother one a month or every 2 weeks or so. Now I have an OK relationship with my step father, but for 10 years or so I felt that mothers guy friends were more like father to me than that jerk in terms of respect and treating me as a man or person. my brother is 17 now, and his father has spent nothing on his son in terms of money, only presents for birthdays. Thus imo I would say that you damn deserve more. in terms of kids as well. and your happiness. I sometimes wonder if I have baggage myself, and it seems that I do, and still work on that. And must say to myself the same thing that I do deserve better. My own father on the other hand has never showed up in my love. I had good childhood because I have had great grand parents who were/are a lot stronger individuals then - parents. going through the war and having life and death situations. Thus they rose me to be a gentleman, I think of myself that if I would cheat or be violent on a woman I love then I wouldn't respect myself. Thus at times I had this nice guy - case scenario, when girls ran after bad guys. Therefore, value yourself, not only for yourself but for your kids as you are a role model for them, a teacher for them.

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  • Most guys cheat. The average so so guy won't cheat because he is never really given a chance to be a bf/husband. Girls if you start going after nice normal plain guys, the cheaters will probably lessen their activities.

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    • I see what you're saying. However, sometimes we are fooled by the words of someone who we think is a "good guy". I have to disagree with "most guys cheat". This makes it seem as though, because most men do it, it's acceptable. Men and women should stop cheating altogether and try being honest with the person they're with. If they're unhappy, get out before you try sneaking around. Just my opinion. But thanks for your answer, I do appreciate/respect your opinion!

  • well you undoubtedly deserve better.

    You should feel safer being away from this guy. He is a pretty big scoundrel. regardless of your "daddy issues" you deserve better than a guy who will essentialy lead a double life. That is to say you deserve better than a liar. He perpetuated a fabricated life for years. That is despicable. I don't think you need to be with him. I know it's hard and you have a history but 4years of deception (that you know of) is more than enough to get an idea of who a guy is.

    I think you should try and really look back and say is your life better with or without him. Not in terms of having a partner or someone to spend time with but if your life truly better. IT seems to me that a liar like that is not good for you

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    • Thank you for your honesty! And I believe every word you've said. You're absolutely right!

  • The guy is a dbag plain and simple. You invested too much too early. You don't even have to ask dump his ass and move on. You've already wasted 7 years of your life on this loser. He's gonna do it again believe me.

    But why no one puts you first I don't know. Maybe you let them run over you, get excited too quick, expect too much, picking wrong guys for whatever reason, could be anything. But you gotta dig deep if you want to avoid this happening again.

    I'm just confused why didn't your radar go up beginning of relationship, and why didn't you dig deep when you started going out with him.

    The first thing you can look into is why you have to ask do you deserve better, when you clearly do. Why should you waste your life with a loser like him and remain miserable. Tell him to FO simple as that and move on.

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    • Well, I definitely believed what he said in the beginning years. I was trusting TOO soon, for sure. Part of why he got away with it all was because of the distance between the two of us. Because of his job, it took 4 years for us to be in the same place at the same time. It seems like he truly believes in "out of sight, out of mind"...Thanks for your answer!

  • Yep you deserve better. And its unfortunate about the kids... so it's up to you whether or not you could just stay with him until they are older...

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  • Walk. A minor indescretion at the beginning of a relationship, that stuff happens as thing become exclusive. 4 years, multiple girls, all that? It will happen again the second he is unhappy. WALK!

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  • When someone cheats on you, break up with them immediately.

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  • well frist of all I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I'll honestly say what I think and hope it'll help.

    first of all nobody deserves to be cheated and betrayed. as the woman who has spent 7 years with his man and has been a mother for your children, you deserve better.because you've trusted your man and have invested your feelings and your time and energy for a better future with your man. so yes, you deserve better and you shouldn't doubt about it.

    but the matter here is whether you want to keep your relationship with your man or not. it's a question that only you can answer. if the answer is no then you should make it clear for yourself and then for him. if the answer is yes then you should try to forgive him and give him another chance. if the answer is yes then 2 monthes of distance should be enough or there'll be no easy way to fix the problem and fill this distance. it's your choice. :)

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    • You're so right. Thank you for giving me something to think about!

    • you're welcome :) in such situations sometimes you forget about the next step and get stucked in things that happened. but you shouldn't forget that life goes on and you should keep up with it.

  • The only things you deserve in life are what you can take for yourself and what people will give you. The entitled mentality will get you nowhere

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  • "I decided that I wanted to give him time to prove to me how sorry he was and allow him to put forth effort to make things right."

    And here's where everything went to sh*t.

    Honestly, I've been in your situation twice before. I was with a girl I loved and was devoted to for three years, and it turned out she was just with me because I was the best option available at the time. Once she found something she thought was better, she left me for him. When things didn't work out, she wanted me back.

    Second time girl was with me for two years and started seeing her ex, who had left her before she met me. When his new thing didn't work out, he started contacting her again.

    I tell you, loyalty doesn't earn you sh*t. Respect doesn't earn you sh*t. The golden rule is bullsh*t. You don't get what you deserve from people, you get what you take by force or coercion. Would that I had learned that lesson early in life.

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    • The last few sentences you wrote are exactly what I've been thinking to myself lately. I have to agree with you wholeheartedly. Some may say I'm becoming "bitter" or "jaded"; I think I'm opening my eyes and becoming honest. Thank you for your answer!

    • It's a bitter lesson, but the fact of the matter is that people that actually have honor and integrity, who value respect and loyalty, and are willing to GIVE it, not just receive it, are extremely f***ing rare.

      Doesn't mean you have to be bitter or jaded, it just means you need to make your life about you, instead of somebody else.

  • Yes, you deserve MUCH better. There's no "making things right" after cheating; the bond of trust is broken forever.

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    • Thank you! I think I'm slowly coming to that decision...

What Girls Said 3

  • First off tell yourself this one thing over & over: You are okay.

    Repeat that sentiment constantly in your head, it will allow you to stabilize.

    Secondly, yes, you do deserve better. A man does not prove he's sorry with a special surprise here or there, or with a bouquet of flowers. A good man shows that he's sorry by changing his actions so that he shows you respect - all the time.

    If you truly have daddy issues then you should address them. Only you can change you. It sounds like perhaps you didn't learn to value yourself completely (I too had this problem and am still working on it). The change to make is you need to start putting yourself first - don't look for a man to put you first. Start requiring respect from everyone. If someone does not show you respect and you continue to associate with them, then you're just going to get more disrespect. This is a tricky thing to overcome when you're so used to forgiving people and wanting them to remain in your life. But when you start truly loving & valuing yourself for all that you are then this becomes easier.

    When you find yourself with your head spinning and you're dying for answers, take a moment and just sit and breathe. Repeat the statement above.

    You are correct in not staying together for the children's sakes. My parents stayed together for my sake and it was the worst thing they could've done. Two unhappy parents raising a child together only produces an unhappy child. Two happier parents raising a child separately give the child an opportunity to be happy too.

    Remember, you cannot change anyone but yourself. Put your focus on you, and let him be.

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    • Thank you! I think part of the issue is I'm arguing with myself to just "let this go" because it was so long ago. But, as I told him, that's extremely difficult to do. This may all be "old news" to him, but it's all new to me...It feels as though this all happened yesterday. And, to make matters worse, it makes every "special" moment/memory that we had in those first four years an absolute lie. Behind every special moment, there was someone else. I feel like everything is ruined. *sigh*

    • Actually letting go of a relationship can be difficult. The mind easily slips back to the past and the "what ifs". It takes control of the mind to focus on the present moment. I suggest that you stop worrying about what it's like for him, what he's feeling, what he's thinking. Instead, focus on you and your feelings. He has proven he does not respect you or your feelings. Do you really want to continue to be disrespected? Put anything from the past out of your mind.

  • I have no tolerance for infidelity. Will break off with him if he cheat on me. I don't care whether he cry or apologize

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  • Of course you deserve better. Cheating once? MAYBE A HELL OF A SMALL MAYBE, I can forgive you. Multiply times? The guy doesn't really love you and is a piece of sh*t. And I can totally understand the tired of being an option instead of priority. But never settle , you'll never find happiness by being an option. If a person values you a lot their actions will show it, without fail this is true. You need to dump him and do better for you. Keep your head up and all the best of luck to ya!

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    • Thank you! I agree with what you're saying. It's time to look out for ME and only ME!

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