I'd like to thank you, in advance, for your help! Long story short. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. Recently, I learned (honestly, through snooping) that, for the first four years, he had cheated and also pursued other women (I'm sure, with the hopes OF cheating). At present, there are 4 women that I know of, probably more, one of which he carried on a relationship with for the better part of one year. After learning all of this, we had a huge fight. I yelled, screamed, cursed and cried. He apologized over and over again. After moving back into my own house (thank goodness I've maintained my own residence), I took a few days to calm down. I decided that I wanted to give him time to prove to me how sorry he was and allow him to put forth effort to make things right. That was two months ago, and not much effort has been made. He surprised me one night with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers. One week, he told me he was working on a surprise for me. This "surprise" took four days to finalize. One that day of the reveal, he throws out a last minute disclaimer telling me "Well, it's not a surprise for YOU, it's for everyone". Turns out, he had purchased two jet skis. I had never once mentioned wanting to own jet skis. He, on the other hand, has mentioned it numerous times throughout the years-so the gift was for himself. Lately, I've been throwing myself plenty of pity parties. Maybe this all stems from "daddy" issues (mine left when I was five, turns out he had been married and had other children...he never came back.) I'm realizing that not one man that I have ever dated has made me their first choice. It seems that I am "good enough for right now", but they've all continued to look for someone "better" while maintaining a relationship with me. This includes my own father. His other children/family was better than me. I'm tired of not being someone's first choice and I refuse to put up with it any longer. I am a good woman with good intentions and I deserve better. I deserve more than flowers and fricking jet skis after all he's put me through. I deserve more effort on his part...don't I? I've been distancing myself from him, intentionally, because it feels "safer" for me to be alone. The more distance between us, the less he can continue to hurt & disappoint me. I guess me questions are, have I given him enough time to repair the damage? It's been two months since my discoveries. He's normally not a very romantic guy, so what should I be expecting from him? Or, after two months of almost no effort, is that my answer? Are we prolonging the inevitable? Gosh, my head is spinning with questions and anger and hurt. Together, we have four children involved (2-his, one mine and one is our together.) But, I am not the type of woman to stay solely because we have children. If we're happier apart, then so be it. He seems hurt because I told him I feel safer being away from him, yet he's not trying to fix anything. Please help!
Most Helpful Guy
Wow...okay...let me see what I can do here.
1. Yes, you deserve better. But not because of the reasons you think you do.
2. Second, don't go around saying you deserve anything. You don't deserve anything. You get what you earn on your own.
3. This guy isn't good for you. He's like a bad Gandalf.
Okay...let me see if I can wade through the rest of this. It sounds to me like you let guys get away with things. Part of that may be daddy issues, but all girls have daddy issues, so I tend to throw that out right away. I think you are just a genuinely good person and you don't realize that people are capable of horrible, awful, selfish things until they prove to you that they are.
Now why guys don't put you as their first choice...there could be a number of reasons for that. Could be you don't put enough effort into the relationship. Could be not enough blowjobs. Could be because you like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Who knows. And really, who cares.
The more important thing to realize here is that someone making you their first choice is exactly that...it's a choice. The guy chooses to make you his first choice...and it seems like you haven't been able to pick up on the fact that guys aren't making you their first choice. But that's okay too, because here's a little secret most girls don't know or acknowledge...a girl is never a guy's first choice. Sex is a guy's first choice, and the girl is always second. That doesn't make all guys awful, that's just how guys are wired. It's nothing personal.
So what does that mean for you...find a guy who likes you for you. A guy who puts some effort toward you. A guy who embraces you and cares about you and asks you questions about your day. Find a guy who isn't typically the guy you go after. Try the quiet guy. Or try the geeky guy. You might be surprised.
I wish you luck and hope you find that person who chooses to make you an important part of their life, not the most important, but one of the important things.