Is this a lost cause?

I started dating my boyfriend >5yrs ago. Within a month he told me he wanted to get married then just before our 4th anniversary he said he wasn't ready and wanted to break up. I was completely shattered. A few months later he called and asked to meet. After a bit he said he wanted to be together, he was sure I was the one. I was happy but also wary since I got so hurt last time. We talked about our problems and how we could work through them and he said that he wanted to move overseas for work and wanted me with him. I said if I’m to leave my family/friends I want to be sure that he’s 100% committed. He promised me and we got back together 4 mths ago.

One of the things we’d argued about was his job because he’d always answer work emails/calls and cancel dates because he was working late. When we got back together I agreed to be more supportive and he’d make sure we had enough time together. Recently he’s been extra busy and in the first 2wks of July we talked for <1hr. He didn’t answer emails/texts, when I call he'd say "call you back" and call 12 hours later or not at all. The conversations we had were for <5min. I didn't complain about it but then I injured my eye and went to hospital. Later I called him as I was upset but he said he’s busy. I got angry and said he can't expect me to disappear from his life when it's inconvenient for him especially since his busy period at work can drag on for months. He told me if I wasn't happy I should find someone else.

Few hours later he apologized and we agreed to meet in person on the weekend to talk. During the week I noticed that he was making an effort and I thought we were making progress. On Sunday I caught the train to where he lived but because of train problems I was 7 min late. He picked me up, drove to the restaurant but there were no tables and we sat at the bar. My boyfriend started complaining about how if I’d been on time we would’ve had a table. I told him it wasn’t my fault the trains were late but he kept bringing it up until I got angry and told him it’s not how other bfs talk to their gfs. He refused to speak to me for the rest of the meal.

On the way back I apologized and asked what I could do. All he said was “I don’t wanna be compared.” I told him I wouldn’t do it again but he wouldn’t talk. That night I called him, apologized again but he said “I don’t wanna talk. You can find someone else.” I left him alone for 4 days but finally called because the last time he was sick I’d brought him food in my parents’ containers which he still had and they wanted back. When he finally picked up my calls he said he doesn’t know whether he wants to be together. I said I just want to pick up my stuff and he told me to be over 11am Saturday. I texted to say I was on my way but he still made me wait 20 min outside his flat. I quickly took the stuff and left as he was still angry.

Is this a lost cause? I want to spend the rest of my life with him and will do what it takes but he's making me so unhappy right now.
Thanks. If he were completely hopeless I would have dumped him but I've noticed since we got back together he's been changing his behavior. However he does have his bad moments, mostly when he's stressed. This time because he's so busy with work he may be just taking it out on others. It's not the right thing to do but sometimes when I'm in a bad mood I get snippy with people too. 90% of the time everything is great but with him when something goes wrong it goes REALLY wrong.
Thanks everyone. The rational side of me agrees with what you've said. It's just difficult because he was the one who contacted me again after I'd struggled so hard to move on and I waited months before agreeing to get back together until he'd convinced me he was serious. He's not a bad guy but perhaps just not emotionally mature enough.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Yes, it's a lost cause. He missed you during your breakup, but nothing changed when you got back together. He does not have the time for a relationship, and he's certainly not making the time for a relationship with you. I wouldn't even bother dating a guy who communicated with me so little during a week, and that never had any time for me. What's the point?

    I know it's hard to break a cycle when you've been in it for so long. You can't picture yourself with anyone else right now. "Right now" being the key phrase. He doesn't make you happy and he hasn't for a while. You also don't feel like you can trust him anymore. This is the second time he's left you high and dry when things got tough. What do you think a marriage would be like?

    I've been in a similar situation for a few years with a man who just wouldn't change. He'd straighten up for a few weeks, and then go back to old way. I was so in love that in blinded me to how unhappy I was, or how I deserved to be treated. It will be hard for a little bit, but if you let yourself, you can find someone else who will make you happier. A guy who is there for you more. The fact is, this guy isn't going to change. So your options are to find someone else, or put up with this behavior forever. I wish you luck, and stay strong!

    • In response to your update, id really try to listen to your gut on this one instead of rationalizing his behavior. The way he's treating you is not normal or healthy, even if he's stressed. Right now is the best and easiest your relationship is ever going to be. It will only go through more trials and stressful times in a marriage. I can assure you, his behavior will continue. Don't sell yourself short!

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • You want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? Are you sure about that? Because in the earlier parts of your post, you did a great job of outlining why this is the wrong guy for you. He's not supportive, he does whatever is convenient for him at the time (including ending the relationship), and he even acts childish at times. Do you really want that in your life for the next 40-50 years? I wouldn't.


What Girls Said 1

  • you moved overseas for a guy you don't even live with? or did you not move yet. if so -dont.

    you might love him he might love you but he doesn't respect yo. and you guys want VERY different kind of a rel. some people don't care if they see each other for months. you do. he's not around months at a time. this is reality. not a good or bad opinion, not an accusation--just reality. don't do it.


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