Should I stay or should I go?

I met my now husband in November of 2011. We made an instant connection and began exclusively dating in December of 2011. Since then, we have had ups and downs but altogether a fulfilling relationship. We got engaged in January of 2013, a day after my birthday and were just married this past June. Today, my husband tells me he has this secret he is dying to tell me but it is going to hurt our relationship. I finally get him to tell me and it is that back in February of 2012, an ex girlfriend contacted him to tell him he was the father of her baby. She told him he was the last guy she slept with the August before I met him. Now the baby is here and he wants to find out for sure if it is his and is so, gain custody. I am not so much upset at the fact that there is a baby, as I figure it happened before me and was not a result of cheating. However, to know this has been a lie alllll this time and that other people have known makes me feel some type of way. In my opinion, he is my husband and I want to stand by him through thick and thin, as I stated in my vows and help raise this child if it is his. I just wanted some third party feedback from everyone elseā€¦ would you stand by and move forward together as a family? Or would you break up and move on?
Thank you all... I appreciate the insight. I guess it bothers because I have tried numerous times to ensure him that he can (and should, since we decided to get engaged and all) tell each other the truth-good or bad. There have been things I have not wanted to tell him because I thought It would make him feel a certain way or make him upset but I man-ed up and told him, because I believe the truth shall always set you free.
I can understand not wanting to ruin a fresh relationship, but I also feel like he didn't give me the chance to decide if I wanted to stay and work through the issue or to leave altogether, before getting married and all. Meanwhile, all his family & him have been dying for is for us to have a baby, but I have said that I wanted to wait (I'm only 22) and wasn't ready. Now, everyone is going to get what they want, only I'm not the mother. And now I know his focus will be his kid, which it should.. but where do I now fall into this? I know that sounds selfish but it is honest. But thank you all for giving me the advice.. I figured it was "the right thing" to not want to end it over this but at the same time I guess I need to make a decision on what is best for me to handle, because he seems to have it all figured out. He even said if it his daughter, he doesn't care if I stick around or not cause he has his baby, so I guess that says a lot there.


Most Helpful Guy

  • A secret and a lie are not the same thing. Unless your husband told you he was a virgin, it is entirely possible that he had sex before you met, and therefore could have a child. I can understand that you are upset that he didn't tell you about it previously, but in his defense he found out two months after you became an exclusive couple. It is quite possible that he felt this news would negatively affect your relationship, so he kept it from you. As for the other people he told, I would guess that they could have known this previous girlfriend so it makes some sort of sense that he told them (or he just needed to tell someone, and didn't think the time was right to tell you). By the way, have you told your husband everything about your past, or do you have some secrets?

    In my opinion, you need to sit down with your husband and discuss this situation. If you are hurt that he didn't tell you about it, tell him so. But also try to understand his point of view as well. I don't see how leaving him makes sense, unless you are concerned that there are other secrets from his past. If that is the case, you need to be clear that he must be not keep things from you (you may even need to make it clear that any future "revelations" could result in an end to the relationship)--and you have to commit to not keeping anything from him. If you are satisfied that everything is in the open and the trust level in the relationship has not been destroyed, then I think you should stay with him and move forward together as a family...


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  • If I go there will be think you should stay with him. What's the bigger issue is that you are seeing any issue with this. If this is his child and he takes custody, then the child is his and therefore is his family and so are you. I can understand the hesitation because he kept this from you, but you said you love him and want to stay with him through thick and thin. Do you think this will change anything? Is he a bad person for this? Did this ex girlfriend and him engage in unprotected sex? I don't see this as his fault if she lied about taking a contraceptive. I say find out more about the situation and see who's fault it really is. Her's or both of them. If it isn't his fault, then accept that accidents happen and be happy that you have an addition to your family. If it is both of their faults, then I say you should talk to him about any insecurities you may have about it. Third, if it isn't his, then I guess this worrying was for nothing. I'd forgive him because that's also part of your vows. People make mistakes and this was before he knew you. I would be happy to welcome such a precious addition to my family whether the baby was biologically related or not.

    • LOL your right. I hope I am worried for nothing, but if so I guess a new baby is blessing. I did tell him the idea of him having a baby was wonderful, because it is. He has been dying to be a father so he would kind of get his wish. Thanks!

    • I know his feeling about dying to be a father. I can't wait to be one someday. Too young for it right now. I hope all goes well for you two though

  • it's tough and I know not a fun situation to be in. I would hope my wife would stay by my side and I would like to think that I would stay by my wife in a similar situation. altough I know I would feel a little betrayed (because a lie by omission is still a lie) I'd like to think that I'd realize that my wife needs my support more than ever in this situation and I'd hope to provide a strong home or at least role model for the child

    • Absolutely... apparently too the mother is an unfit mother, hence the chance for custody, so in some way I would be the mother figure. Thanks!

  • I wouldn't say he lied,because that's not the case.

    He did fail to immediately disclose something that may affect your lives in the future.He still doesn't know for sure if it is his child,but it's more than likely.

    If you've got a good relationship with him,there's no reason it can't stay that way.

  • "He even said if it his daughter, he doesn't care if I stick around or not cause he has his baby, so I guess that says a lot there."

    Well, that puts a totally different spin on the situation. That is a very callous thing to say. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but now I'm not sure he deserves it. This is one reason it can be difficult to give advice on GaG--it is hard to be sure you have all the information...

    So if he feels this way why did he marry you? He could have known it was his child before you got married. I was going to amend my previous answer by saying the other reason you might want to leave him is if you could not accept his child from another woman. Now it seems he prefers his baby to you. If he really means what he said, then you may need to give this some more thought...

    • So you think I'm better off just moving on right? I mean I was willing to SHARE my love for him AND a new baby that isn't even mine, but I figure if he is going to say the baby is above all, then he should just be a single dad and do his thing. And I can be a young, hot divorcee lol

    • I'm not telling you to stay or go--you have to decide that for yourself. But if your husband said he doesn't care if you leave (and he meant it), then it sounds like there are issues in your relationship. First, you have to decide whether he meant it, because people often say things they don't really mean. Beyond that, you need to both decide whether you want this relationship to continue--relationships only succeed if both people are working together...

  • From his point of view, at the time, he had pretty good reasons for lying, so take that into consideration.

    Regardless of that fact, he lied. Not a little lie. A HUGE lie. That is a huge breach in trust. If I was in your situation, I don't think I would be able to deal with that. If you think you can forgive him that, then try to work it out. If not, time to move on. This is a decision only you can ultimately make. And I don't think any amount of advice will be able to help you make it.

    Also, if you aren't ready to raise a child, especially one that's not your own, you should move on.

    • I think I have a lot to think about, thanks!

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