How to deal with dad, it's breaking my heart

so I'll start off by stating my father isn't a great guy. he's been in and out of jail my entire life and over the year has physically, mentally, and verbally abused my mom. he has also had a drug and alcohol issue his entire life.

well he just got out of jail last month and (although justified) my mother refuses to help him in any way possible. she'll barely talk to him, help him get on his feet, or anything of the sort.

i realize why she doesn't want to help him, but no one else can. no one on my moms side likes him and his family is in another state (and he can't leave/parol). I don't know it just breaks my heart to imagine being in his position with no support whatsoever, and because of the fact that he's spent so much time in jail he has NO IDEA how to survive in real life, let alone survive by himself.

and I just found out that he couldn't pay to stay in the halfway house so I guess now he's just on the street

i don't even know what I'm asking for here, I guess just how to cope with this? I mean I can't help him since I'm going back to school soon and really have nothing to offer

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  • I'm so sorry for you in these circumstances.

    This is a grown man who continues to make the same bad decisions. As your mom has already discovered, at some point continuing to have a relationship with this man will be self-destructive and toxic for you. Then you too will have to cut the ties and not look back. This will NOT be easy. Get some support.

    This, for you. . . .

    Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart.

    -----Nicholas Sparks, Three Weeks With My Brother

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    • i know that he's got issues, but I just want him to have his life together and be a regular dad. I mean he has bipolar disorder so I don't know if it's all entirely his fault, and I think he had the impression that once he got out of jail he'd just come back home, mend things with my mom and have his family back. so the fact that things are the complete opposite (and that NO ONE wants them back together) must be breaking HIS heart. I just don't want him to feel alone. no one should feel like that.

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What Guys Said 2

  • Leave him on his own. I know it will hurt, and I know it will suck. But some people have to hit rock bottom (and I mean ROCK bottom), before they can get their sh*t together. Sometimes not even that will work. But you cannot cripple your own life for the sake of his. He made his decisions, and bipolar disorder isn't an excuse.

    Also, I'd recommend seeing a therapist/psychologist to address your feelings regarding your father. He has undeniably had a negative impact on your life and has probably left some deep emotional scarring that you need to deal with.

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    • i get what you're saying, he needs to be stronger than he is. I doubt he will, but I guess I can't control that.

      i don't think I need therapy about it though, he did do a lot of bad sh*t but we never actually saw any of it (he'd leave for a few day when he did drugs) and my parents never fought in front of us. he's usually the last thing on my mind, but he just lost his housing yesterday so I'm worried. oddly enough I'm happiest when he's in jail, only because I know he's safe there

  • He treats your mother like sh!t, he's a low life plain and simple. I'm sorry you don't want to hear that but maybe try empathize how your mother feels. There is plenty he could do, for one stop being a jack ass. Maybe you should sympathize more with your mother than your father. There is a reason no one likes him. So its up to him to act like a civilized person if he wants to get anywhere. Its up to him to go get help with his drug/alcohol problems.

    There is nothing you can do really. If you want emotional support, but its entirely up to him, to give up old ways, seek help, and do something. Your mother owes him NOTHING. Your mother should divorce him and get a restraining order for her own sake.

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    • i completely understand what you mean, and I've gone through phases of hating him and wanting nothing to do with him but that never really helped me. I don't want to go through life holding grudges and if he ends up dying (through homelessness or by suicide) I'd feel like absolute sh*t. I don't know the guilt is just killing me, and I really really don't think he'll make it alone, but I also know we need to keep him at a safe distance. it's a tough spot to be in.

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