Why do some people think that hiding their cheating is a good thing?

I personally believe that if you cheat and feel any bit sorry about it, you should own up to it and tell your partner. However, some people think that hiding it and trying to be a better partner is the way to go. The problem with this is that you not only betrayed your partner, but don't tell them because you want to make your own life easier and are living a lie. Here is an example of what I am talking about: link This is disturbing. Not only did she agree to lie and pretend it never happened, but the answers that said to hide it had the most upvotes. I noticed that women who are married seem to be the most likely to hide their affairs and get advice to hide it.

Why do some people think hiding it is a good thing? Or am I wrong in this situation? What do you think?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You see one edge of the sword. I see both.

    You are completely right when the person who is cheating is profiting and it is a habitual behavior.

    You are completely wrong when the person who is cheating made an error when confronted with a volatile situation.

    The reason isn't the cheater, but the cheated; in the habitual scenario the cheated needs to know for their own safety and primarily so that they can make an informed decision. The single-error scenario is already volatile so that could drive the cheated to some dangerous extremes. Ironically when considering the two the guilt shift is totally different as well.

    In scenario A the guilty party feels no guilt and thus the information is easily hidden.

    In scenario B the guilty party feels extreme guilt and thus the information is incredibly difficult to hide and bear.

    The punishment of bearing the mark in your own mind is more than enough for B, knowing that they themselves are despicable in their own eyes, yet doomed to stand in this lie for the rest of their time whilst genuinely supporting their partner in all ways they can. The duality splits the mind and ... well, GaG!

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What Girls Said 2

  • Its never right to hide the fact that you cheated or are cheating, you have to admit to it. It doesn't disappear because you push it into the past or try to hide it, it's always there and if they find out (and eventually they will) then you are doubly screwed.

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  • I recently encountered that situation wherein my ex-bf was not admitting his lying over finding someone to replace me. We just ended 3rd week last month and found a girl to date. It hurts like hell when I confronted me and told me that he got to know her just after we broke up. He actually thinks I am crazy and stupid to believe him - but that's the initial mechanism of cheaters.

    They want to appear good, faithful and convince themselves that they are - but the truth is - they suck! Well, other people might say that it is better to lie so you can't hurt the other person that much but I certainly believe that lies can hurt a triple than saying the truth - your partner deserve it anyway!

    You are right if you think that hiding isn't a good thing - it is never right especially if the reason is for the benefit of yourself!

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What Guys Said 4

  • They have low morals. They see that they'll probably be prone to it one day and don't want to be a hyprocrite so they tell them to keep it to themselves.

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  • as a person who has been cheated I think I could give a perspective that may lend to the idea that lying about cheating is a good thing

    girlfriend cheated on me. hid it from me for a long time. through various channels I found out. I still loved her but was hurt. Still wanted to be with her but couldn't see her the same way. I felt like I couldn't fully trust her or respect her. A part of me (the part that loved her still) thought "god I wish I never even found out". Then at least I could see her in the same light

    Of course it is completely naive and single minded to feel that. But I do think that, this may be the thought process for a cheater who believes that perpetuating the lie is the best policy. To live a relationship that is essentially a lie is fundamental oxymoron, so those who believe hiding truths is a good policy are essentially cheating both themselves and their partners out of a true relationship

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  • A lot of people have very rigid rules about a cheating partner, so IF this were some kind of one time thing, or the result of getting too drunk, I can see that not telling your partner MIGHT be the best answer. Sometimes this will only happen once and never again.

    But in general, if you aren't with someone with rigid, religious outlooks on these things, it's better to come clean. As you say, you are carrying a double lie around if you do it, and then hide it from your partner.

    Plus, as we all know, these things have a way of coming to light. We may THINK we can hide it, but very often, you're going to have to explain it AND explain why you didn't tell.

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  • When monogamous expectations are set up-front, revealing infidelity can instantly destroy a couples bond - feeling of togetherness In addition, the betrayal often has a negative impact on the spouse's self-esteem and self-worth. That, and in of itself can cause resentment and distancing in an otherwise fragile relationship - assuming unhappiness in the relationship is the reason for the infidelity.

    Furthermore, many couples struggle to rebuild their former trust, which inevitablly cause them to move on from one another. In my opinion, this, the fear of losing their current life, causes many people to hide their infidelity.

    Cheating is a selfish act and often reflects a cheater's character. That being said, hiding things from their spouse should not be unexpected.

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