Past pains haunting me. PLEASE help

I'm a 27 year old man, and I was involved in just one relationship in my life. It was for 2 years, when I was aged between 21 and 23. The reason for breakup is simple. She actually cheated on me with her own uncle. I had heard a lot about incest, but I was shocked when I saw it happen with my own girlfriend. And what the hell, she was 20 and he was 60. I actually found this out from a different source. When I asked her about it, she vehemently denied it, but when I showed her the proof, she did admit having sex with him, but behaved as if that was no big deal. I dumped her that very instant. She didn't seem to be too bothered by that, and she actually said "I'm willing to stay with you, but if you dump me, then its your loss, not mine. After all, you're just an average looking guy whereas I am a gorgeous girl who could probably give models a run for their money. Finding someone else is not a big deal for me, but it will be very difficult for you. I'll give you a week's time to reconsider your decision, and if you still want to dump me, you're most welcome". Of course, my decision never changed, because I loved her for her good nature and not her looks. So there was no point in continuing with her after I realized the truth about her, and her beauty meant nothing to me.

The most painful thing with my breakup was that she really WAS a genuine person until two months before our breakup. We were so serious about each other that we had actually decided to get married and have kids together. Even our families believed that we made a great pair (I'm referring to compatibility, and not looks). That uncle was actually someone whom she never even remembered because he stayed in a different country and she had only seen him when she was a 2 year old kid. All of this changed when he had come to our country on a business trip for 2 months. I just don't understand how he seduced her and slept with her. And the worst part is, that uncle too has a wife and grown up son who are very nice people, and are totally unaware of what he did.

I contemplated taking revenge on her by informing that uncle's wife about everything. She HAD to believe me, because I had solid proof. She would have divorced her husband and also taken my ex to task. But I never did that, because I'm a mild-mannered, emotional and sensitive person who'd rather avoid such unpleasant situations. The breakup was extremely painful for me, and I even went into acute depression and had to be treated by a psychiatrist.

4 years have passed since the breakup, and now I have completely gotten over her. I also have a fairly decent job as a software developer. I But the problem is, my past pains are preventing me from trying to date again. I'm terrified that what happened with my ex, might also happen with any other woman I might get into a relationship with. I know all women are not the same, but my previous painful experience has left me with deep emotional wounds. Please help me out.
Looks aren't a problem for me anymore. After her taunting words, I took it up as a challenge and worked hard on improving my looks. Now, I certainly look way above average, although not to the extent of being called 'handsome'. And I do notice women hitting on me sometimes.
I mean to say...if I actually put some effort, I'm sure that even very pretty women aren't out of my league now (although I give MUCH MORE emphasis to a woman's nature than her looks). Its just that my previous painful experience is holding me back.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I understand the fear of having your heart broken again, but by not taking a chance you are preventing your future soul mate from coming into your life, what your ex did is down right sick, and for her to truly believe she is that gorgeous is also proof of what a sick mind she has,learn from the past but don't bring it with you into the new love you will meet,what your ex did is not an everyday thing.You will meet the one and she will bring you love and happiness.

    • Thanks for your encouraging words. But you know, even that 'gorgeous' thing was a later development. Earlier, when I occasionally used to feel a bit insecure because she looked better than me, she used to tell me that it doesn't matter because it is compensated by the fact that my heart is much more beautiful than hers. Its SHOCKING just how much that uncle changed her.

    • it wasn't her uncle that changed her, it was her choice to believe a male who happens to be her uncle, what ever b.s. he fed her and she fell right into the lie,she made a bad decision, not u,just keep living , she has her demons now and good luck to her when she finally meets another man who has to understand how someone can have sex with an uncle,it will take a strong man.

Most Helpful Guy

  • That girl is f***ed up in the head, but you know what's the most sick thing about this that really pisses me off? She's right.

    She is literally, ONE HUNDRED percent right about the breakup.

    Even if you break up with her, it's not a big loss, you want to know why? It's cause she's beautiful. She'll find just some other sucker who will be willing to accept her in all of her insanity and incest loving. You, literally, mean, NOTHING to her cause you are easily expendable.

    I hate the vanity of this world, cause it allows monsters like her to thrive in it.

    • You're right, but the most painful thing is that she wasn't like this before. She genuinely loved me, and had even told her friends that I'm her soul mate and she would be inviting them for our marriage when it happens. Its actually the uncle who was responsible for corrupting her mind which was once pure.

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    • I'm just saying that maybe she wasn't the angel you made her out to be, cause deep down if what a person wants most is to be good, I don't think anyone can change that. We may have difference of opinion but, just trying to shed my two cents on the nature of this girl.

    • Youou know, even that 'gorgeous' thing was a later development. Earlier, when I occasionally used to feel a bit insecure because she looked better than me, she used to tell me that it doesn't matter because it is compensated by the fact that my heart is much more beautiful than hers. Its SHOCKING just how much that uncle changed her.

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What Girls Said 4

  • LOL. that sucks. ahahhahahahahhahahaahhaahhah.

    Just laugh about it. What else can you do. You didn't loose anything she might try to do you'r son if you had one. lmfao these girls

    • Well...laughing about it is a good idea, but its easier said than done.

  • Eq that's gross so it'd be hard to get over such a vile break up. But if you look for women with high standards and that have it all together this doesn't happen

    • I agree its gross. But its not so easy to find women with high standards, because that might change very quickly. In fact, even my ex had the highest standards during the first 18 months of our relationship. Its only during the last 2 months that the uncle changed everything.

    • High standards AND emotionally and mentally have it together.

    • her uncle didn't change things,she made the poor decision to go there.

  • I'm not sure that you've gotten over her if what she did to you is interfering with your ability to date. I think maybe you should seek professional help. I'm assuming you've tried methods to help you get over this on your own to no avail. It may sound scary but I think a professional psychologist could give you insight on what you need to do to be better. It sounds like this is an issue of confidence though. Maybe you could try to get some self-help material before reaching out to a psychologist.

    • Thanks for your suggestion. But like I have mentioned in my question, I did get treated by a psychiatrist after I went into acute depression due to the break-up. I'm feeling perfectly normal in every other way. I do go out and have fun, listen to music, play video games etc. And most of my friends do feel that I'm a really nice guy. Its only with respect to dating/relationships that I'm having problems.

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    • @Queenbeatris

      Thanks for your encouraging words :)

    • Oh, I'm sorry question asker. I scanned the question and missed that detail. My apologies!

  • Everyone has their heart broken sometime. I must say, yours is more extreme than most, though. What it really comes down to, is that loving someone is a risk. They can promise you to the moon and back and then still bow out of your life. The question though . . . is love worth the risk? For me, yes it is. The risk of losing my love, is well worth having him in my life. Is it worth the risk for you?


What Guys Said 1

  • If the past is still bothering you then you are not healed yet. You need to start making a better life for yourself in every way before things start really healing up.


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