Why is my ex doing this? Super confused with where I stand.

My ex and I dated for almost 5 years, were engaged, had a apartment together. I can honestly say she never cheated or did anything funny to make me think it. We end up splitting and I moved out, she started seeing another guy. 2 months go by, we started talking and she left that guy and we got back together, we were together for another 3 months and we broke it off again. 3 months later we end up talking again, we ended up having sex twice. This was in the midst of her interested in another guy, but not dating. We talked often but she eventually starts officially dating him, now this guy is cool with us talking, at least according to her. She always calls me when he's not around, even invites me over to hang out with her, I tried talking her into giving us another try but she tells me to respect the boundaries because she's with someone. I strait out threatned to leave her for good and she balled her eyes out, so I kept in contact with her. But she tells me odd things that tell me she's still stuck on me, like she tells the new guy about me all the time, about all the things we used to do, funny times ect. The other day was my birthday, so during a date with him she was out looking for a gift for me. I strait out asked her does she still love me, she denied it at first, but then said yes but she doesn't tell me things like that. She tells me yesterday that "you never know what the future may bring, if we hang out, whatever goes on in your head and whatever is in mine we can't act on it, I don't cheat, we are friends, lets keep it this way and respect it". But then she mentions odd things the next day, (even kinda sexual jokes)She knows I want more than friendship, she says she trusts me because no matter what I've been there for her through everything. She tells me that ill find someone better, but then acts odd if I mention someone that is interested in me and shuts it down. My real question is, is she denying these feelings? Does she want to just be friends? Am I being tested to see if I'm better suited than the new guy? What is it?! How do I get her back?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Its possible she is testing other waters. It sounds like you could have been marrying any time soon, and maybe she got cold feet and wanted to check she wasn't missing out on something. Did you ever have similar feelings to this? I think she still loves you, 5 years is a very long time to be together and then suddenly not, that's a very big shock to the system. However I really do not think she is going the right way about it. She knows that you love her and want to be with her, yet she seems to want her cake and eat it. That really is not fair on you, because you are left guessing, wondering and not being allowed to make any firm decision.

    I know she has already balled her eyes out when you said you were moving on, but you need to be strong, that is a very manipulative thing to do. How can she be there giving some guy all this attention and aspects of a relationship and then just keep you in the background like that, it is wrong. Tell her straight I can not do this anymore and disappear on her for a while. You will soon know whether she loves you or not. If she comes back to you, you know she still loves you, and if she doesn't you can move on knowing that she no longer does.

    Wish you well :)

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What Girls Said 10

  • "I tried talking her into giving us another try but she tells me to respect the boundaries because she's with someone. I strait out threatned to leave her for good and she balled her eyes out"

    I'm going to venture out on a limb and say she does actually still have feelings for you, but she tries to deny and fight them because you're a douche and she knows she's better off without you.

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    • I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm a douche, I just find it hard to be friends with her especially when she's dating another guy. She tried leaving me a few times before I said I was totally done, same situation and left me hurting. But of course we ended up talking again. Its hard. 5 years together and to break that is really hard. More so for me since I don't have someone.

  • shes keeping you as her fall back incase her new relationships fail

    i think she originally hoped to threaten you for a marriage and kids by saying she would leave and find another guy willing to but then it backfired and she's now trying to keep you on the sidelines incase this new guy doesn't move fast enough or suit her personality

    shes missing you out of habit of being with you mostly

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  • RUN! RUN NOW!

    She's getting the best of both worlds. She has you, she has him, and no telling whoever else she is having. Be careful with that sweetie...you're sleeping with her, I hope you are wearing condoms. She's taking you on an emotional, sexual rollercoaster and you might want to get off. A relationship shouldn't be stressful. Either she's with you, or she's not.

    She's not testing you...she's just doing what you are allowing her to do!

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  • I don't think you should run or that she's using you. I think that she still love you and she's having a lot of trouble letting you go. You have two options 1) Decide if you love her too, and make a grand gesture and tell her you love her and ACTUALLY stay engaged this time. If she blows you off again after that, never contact her again or you will not be able to let her go 2) Cut off all contact now since there really is no point in talking to someone or being 'friends' if you still love them.

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  • I think your her fall back guy, when stuff goes wrong with the others she comes back to you. Your safe any know what she likes. I think you need to move on.

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  • shes using u> move on

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  • Congratulations, you've just become her trusted doormat and guy-on-demand.

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  • I agree with PinkAcid. I think you are her fall back guy because she is use to you and misses you at times, especially when the other guy isn't giving her what she wants or what you gave her. I know its hard, but you should let go. Don't settle for the back and forth. When people are willing to walk out of your life, let them walk, their time in your life is over. On to the next with someone who is deserving of you. Good luck!

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  • she sound kind indecisive or delusional. Honestly not trying to be rude but you really should find someone new

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  • Dude, she wants you and still loves you. It's very clear. Why did you split in the first place? Also why didn't you marry? Just go small wedding and commit for life. None of this playing around, dilly dallying and dating other people. From what you say, you never ventured far and remained 'loyal' to her either way. So, to me, you guys need to just commit and stay together. She's still in love with you. This is very clear. Living together before marriage has high break up rates but hey for those of us who got married a few months after meeting, it does make a difference...

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What Guys Said 6

  • She wants to move on, but she is finding that very difficult to do after nearly five years of dating you. Her feelings for you are still genuine as a result and the history with you is still relived in her thoughts.

    In addition to having love for you, she is also emotionally attached. It compels her to interact with you whether she likes it or not. It's the force that is pulling her back in every time she attempts to makes progress. Plus, maintaining a relationship with you gives her a peace of mind that you will potentially be available to her if her current relationship does not work out. Thus, the feelings she has for you subside, or someone else fulfill the needs you are filling, she is going to want to keep you around.

    On the other hand, if you want to win her back, don't become her gossip buddy, and by all means, don't allow her to talk about other guys to you, which is a surefire way to be friend zone. If she wants to hang out with you, attempt to do the things that you initially did to win her over - romance her whenever possible. Flirt; keep the sexual tension alive.

    Last but least, don't wait around for her if she doesn't reciprocate; date other women. Don't allow her to string you along, because she'll lose respect for you and thus always keep you on the back burner.

    Good Luck,

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  • She still needs you emotionally as her security blanket. Your her insurance incase it all goes sour with this other guy. That's not fair on you. Its over, she broke it off, so you don't owe her anything or the otherway around. She made the decision to leave months before she actually did. she would have planned her exit, and it was probably when she met another guy. The question you have to ask yourself Sir is do you want to be with a person who is doing this to you emotionally. I wouldn't. Been there, in exactly the same position as you, almost like a mirror. Its amazing when your ex feel secure enough in her new life she will cut that cord herself. No warning to you, as if you mattered nothing. Seriously, let her go by cutting it yourself. Its your life and you have to live yours. By looking like you are prepared to wait for her and that your OK with this situation reduces your value and attraction to her, it may even amplify reasons why she left in the first place.

    They say love is blind. Never such a true statement when your in a relationship or during a breakup. In years time you look back at this with clarity and rationality and feel sort of ashamed at yourself.

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  • She is just completely unstable. Her new boyfriend must have a very crappy time with her, if she talks about you all the time.

    And when you get back together, it doesn't last long.

    It seems that instead of trying to get her back, you should grow some balls, leave her where she is, move on and then find someone else.

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  • She may have some sort of fear of commitment, or intimacy? I'd adviseher to get her head straight, whether through a professional or otherwise.

    She's not respecting any 'boundaries' herself. Instead, she puts up walls around herself but crosses them herself whenever she wants.

    She seems to always want control in your relationship! And she's toying with you, it seems obvious.

    I'd give her an ultimatum, no matter how much she cries. I suspect she's good at manipulating guys with tears...

    Tell her she has to fish or cut bait here, you can't always be wondering where she wants you in her life...TEll her it's goodbye for good if she can't answer your questions.

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  • She doesn't know what she wants herself, pretty unstable like someone else already said.

    Do your own thing, be fun, lighthearted. Whenever your with her just make it a fun time, don't bring up bad stuff, don't be so serious. Then perhaps she will find her way back.

    And even if not, it will be a lot more fun for you, because you'll be doing fun stuff.

    Anyway don't adapt to her and don't fall for the crying bs. I know it's very much easier said than done, but at least you still talk to your ex. Mine doesn't even want me around...

    Good luck!

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  • why the hell do you two idiots keep on breaking up, anyway?

    ever thought about giving us that piece of useful information?! -_-

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    • Honestly it was simply because she wanted a house, family, kids, the whole thing. We just moved in together about 6 months prior, I felt we made a big step in doing so and making progress. She felt that we weren't going anywhere. Stupid yes. We split and she ended up dating a guy she felt could provide her that, but she ended up hating him later. The second time we split was mainly stress, school and work, took it out on each other. Decided it was best to break off.

    • you should probably totally stay away from her for good.

      I'm not saying she's a bad person, but it looks like your lives and what you want from it are incompatible with each other.

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