Why can't I change my paranoid behavior?

I have a problem every time I am in a relationship, or at least I had it in my last 2 relationships which were the most serious ones I ever had in my life. Basically, once I fall in love with someone, I am EXTREMELY afraid of expressing when something bothers me. And I think it might be tied to the fact that my last ex broke up with me because I was expressing myself and trying to talk about our issues, and I think it scarred me. He was the first one I ever tried to be honest and open with, and he crushed me by breaking up with me because of it. Even though he came back months later begging me to take him back, showing that it was really him with issues rather than my fault for breaking up, I was already mentally scarred. I have a new boyfriend now, and he is wonderful, caring, sweet, and I feel that he loves me very much. But I am still so scared to trust him and believe he won't hurt me or won't leave me if I act the same. So every time I try to be honest with him, it goes like this: I say something bothered/hurt me, he tries to explain he did not mean to hurt me and gets upset because I am upset, I get even more sad that now he is upset too and I end up apologizing for getting mad. I don't know how to stop it, I don't know why I am so scared that if I say one thing someone doesn't like, they will leave me. Or after every conversation like this with my boyfriend, I can't sleep or eat until the next time we talk and I am reassured that everything is OK. I am so paranoid that again someone will leave me because I am emotional and express myself. Is anyone else on here like that? Or have an emotional gf? Would you leave someone for being a bit on the emotional side or bringing up issues in your relationship/behavior, if you loved everything else about them?


Most Helpful Guy

  • well it's clear your anxiety to express yourself stems from that ex who broke up with you for that

    my girlfriend is fairly emotional and I have no problem with it. some guys are uncomfortable dealing with other people's emotions but I don't think you should hold back who you are. obviously try to manage your emotions but you need to be yourself in a relationship. if the guy can't handle it it's better to know this than be in a relationship where you hold everything in.

    i like that my girlfriend talks to me about how she is feeling, I'd prefer that to being in the dark about stuff.

    • Thank you for that answer, that actually really really helped. You are totally right, I have to be myself, and if I am emotional and take thing to heart, I should be with someone who doesn't mind that or can at least put up with it and appreciate me for who I am. I guess my fear of losing my boyfriend has overshadowed my personal needs, which I know deep inside isn't good. I guess I should try to just be who I am, and if he leaves, he clearly wasn't "the one." I am glad there are guys out there like u!

    • i think a good guy or partner will care how you feel. look I'm not going to lie and say that at some point perhaps my gf's emotions can become a bit burdensom but I love her and thus always try to be sympathetic and patient, understanding and listen to her so hopefully I can comfort her...if I can't even say something I just hold her so she knows I'm there to listen or just support her. if a guy doesn't provide that consider if you are overly emotional but chances are he just is insensitive

    • Yeah I know I sometimes take things too personally, but I also think my guy is a bit on the insensitive side sometimes. he is 3 years younger than me and can be immature sometimes, and he will say something hurtful without thinking and then feels bad about it, but rather than admitting to it, he will make it seem like I am just overreacting. I really try hard to grow thicker skin, but I am a sensitive person so it's hard for me. I guess we just need to find a balance :)

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  • I can relate. I have trust issue brought forward from a bad relationship and makes me paranoid about my last rship. I open up and told my last boyfriend that I wasn't happy cos he wasn't contacting me much and I think he freaks out that I was going to break up with him cos he was insecure as well (his ex cheated on him) and he ended up breaking up with me even though he still likes me.

    • Sorry to hear that :/ Yeah, our past and insecurities can really mess us up. I am trying to work on mine and the more I am with my current boyfriend, the more I trust and love him, and I hope he won't leave. Guess we'll see how it goes, I would really hate to lose him, because he is the best thing that ever happened to me. I hope you have better luck next time! :)