Girl won't get rid of her admirer/former lover


I've known this girl for a couple of months, we had an instant emotional connection and after a lot of effort on my part we have managed to kind of start seeing each other. The trouble is there is another guy, who lives in dorms with us, who she had some sort of casual sex thing with. He is still sniffing around, and although I have no doubt that she loves me and has no feelings for him, she won't tell him to back off. It's driving me mad, if I'm in her room and he knocks at the door, or if he turns up when we're having lunch I just end up feeling terrible, as well as the fact he constantly texts and fb messages her. The worse thing is she responds to his texts and messages, and is nice to him so of course he is going to continue.Although I don't think anything has happened between them since we have properly been together, I'm worried it could, she has even implied as much. I can't understand why she won't give him the boot. I don't want to give her an ultimatum since that is a douche thing to do, and besides if she really loves me like she says then she should want to ditch him without me forcing her to. I feel like I'm in too deep to just walk away though, she is my best friend and I can't imagine not hanging out with her - and I'm worried she knows this and uses this!

After the semester ends she wants us to make plans together, but I don't really want to commit to this while this other guy is in the picture.

She assures me she loves me, she doesn't think she'll change her mind and go back to him, and doesn't think he'll be able to win her back, but it's the fact that there is a slight chance that bothers me, all it takes is for him to hang around long enough and something might happen (trust issues?)

The whole thing is a train wreck, and although I'm sure you'll probably say 'walk away' - I'd be interested to hear any ideas other than that which I might not have thought of.

Thanks for your time and sorry for such a long post!


Most Helpful Girl

  • Too much to say for that little box... I have a friend I used to sleep with, we tried a relationship but it was never right? He's now jealous of my boyfriend that is so wonderful. I want my boyfriend and my friend in my life, it would be great if we could all be friends but that doesn't seem possible. They are both jealous of each other and I usually lie if I'm hanging out with the other one. I haven't cheated or anything like that, but the guilt of lying sucks. I would like to be honest but that seems to hurt feelings too. If you care about and trust her don't make her lie to you.

    Dealing with you... I would say time and practice. Like time heals all wounds. I think time would help with these feelings. Every time you have a negative thought make yourself think of 2 positive things that reassure you about her feelings for you. Like the way she hugged you that morning, or she asked about a test you had that day, she brought you your favorite candy bar. Big or little things that remind you that she loves you. Is there anyway you can become acquaintances at least? Set him up and go on a double date? Go out with a group of people?

    • This is really interesting as it is basically the same situation. What I am worried about is that something could happen between them, say if she is drunk and we have been fighting, and so it's a constant pressure with him around. Would you ever consider getting rid of the friend for your boyfriend? How does your boyfriend feel about it?

    • This was my question not too long ago, link

      You're right we could have a fight but my friend and I have never gotten drunk together. I'm not a big drinker and he has a heart condition and shouldn't have alcohol so cheating would never be an accident. I really like my boyfriend and its only been a few months, I don't want to mess it up with him. He is jealous but says he understands and won't make me ch

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What Girls Said 2

  • idk but I think you need to tell her nicely that you are not comfortable that she's hanging out with him. she might thought all along that it's alright with you. well it depends on the personality of the girl, personally I'm fine with that as long as I'm not being quarrelled but, instead, make me understand his side/feelings...

  • The only thing you can do is change you.

    Sounds like she is at least friends with this guy and wants to keep it that way. You have to deal with it or break up. This is the hand you were dealt and now you have to decide what you want to do.

    Trust issues are difficult to deal with. I have no advice to help you deal with your emotions but constantly nagging her about it will probably only make it worse. She doesn't hide you or him from each other. Sounds like she is making it clear to him that you are a couple. So long as she keeps doing that I think that's all you can hope for. If you keep nagging her about it then she will start hiding the friendship and that will cause more trust issues.

    This is about you dealing with you, not them.

    • This is a really insightful view on the situation. It does feel as though she is with me now, but I guess it's not the ideal fantasy in my mind with him in it too (I know that sounds naive). Sometimes I think there is nothing to worry about, she said she loves me, there is no way she has ever said that to anyone before, I'm certain of it. She just likes him in a physical way, but still it's an inconvenience. How would you advise I deal with me?

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