The most hurtful breakup method. Help?

My boyfriend & I dated a few months. Things were going VERY fast. Sex, "I love you," & introducing each other as a significant other to our friends, all occurred within the first 2 months. This sounds like a very high school/childish relationship, but I'm 25 & he's 29. We've both been in long term relationships & know how to play the field.. I do recognize that moving this fast is a product of lust, but we both voiced how we'd never felt this type of connection with anyone else before.

Anyway, things became rocky, little petty fights here & there. I blame this due to the fact that we did move so fast & as a result expected a lot from each other without really knowing each other that well yet. We also both lived kind of far & were in the midst of apartment hunting, so we didn't see each other a whole lot. About once a wk, but could never spend the night together. I also take most of the blame as the fight initiator, for many reasons that are better left unsaid (insecurities from being cheated on, etc.).

ANYWAY, one day he just completely stops talking to me. At the time I had never been broken up with so I just thought he was mad at me & I broke the CRUCIAL "No contact" rule after a breakup for the fact that I HAD NO IDEA I WAS BEING BROKEN UP WITH. He never officially ended it, he just stopped contacting me. I wrote him a long email explaining why I acted in certain ways, that I did love him & was willing to self improve for him, & that he was overall the first person I had ever had this type of connection with. His resonse? "Thank you for your message, I appreciate it, but right now, I just need some time." Followed by random "Hi" and song lyric texts... I WAS CONFUSED AS TO WHAT THIS MEANT. After a couple more of my attempts to figure out what was going on & to get him to actually break up with me so I could have closure, he says "We'll talk soon, haven't been ignoring you, just been busy." Again, if he wanted to breakup he would have done it, correct? Why the " I need time, we'll talk soon" bull from a 29 year old man? I think he's hurt & is taking a VERY long time to figure out what he wants (Months). Should I let it go & move on? Or still have hope he'll come around? I was very good to him in other aspects, so I know I don't deserve this type of "No contact" breakup. I don't understand why he just won't be sincere & tell me it's over if it's over, I don't want to come off as desperate (which I already prob am by contacting him when I should have given the time he asked for), but I also don't want to become a safety net for him. Where he knows I'll always be there when HE MAKES THE DECISION to start over. I've always been the dominator in a relationship & right now I am seemingly the submissive desperarate ex that will take him back at his beckon call. Where in reality I'm getting really pissed off that I'm not being treated with straight forwardness & feel lead on. These signs are beyond me & I have no idea what to make of it. HELP!


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I think your take on this is quite reasonable and your attitude is quite mature. It is one thing to want a break to think things through. At the very least, the other person deserves a detailed explanation of what this means and assurances of how long it's going to last. To not bother to say anything about it is not asking for a break. That's acting like a petulant little boy. I suspect that the taking a break excuse came after the fact. It doesn't speak well of him that he would ignore you for months at a time and had no idea how to respond to your requests for resolution or closure. It seems that he has no intention of giving either. If you wish resolution, I think you need to take matters into your hands. It may be that he wants you to break up with him, but it seems more likely that he's just being really selfish. It doesn't require months to think through whether you want to be in a relationship. To say that he's put it off because he's busy makes you out to be an exceedingly low priority in his life. If this is an excuse (which seems likely) than he is not being honest with the reason he is putting you on hold.

    I get the feeling that you are more upset by his behavior than by the impending end of the relationship. If you break up with him, that will either give you closure or force him to finally be honest with you. If he decides then that he does want to be with you, I would suggest making very certain that you know why he's done all this and why it will never, ever happen again. My sense though is that you didn't know him as well as you thought. He seems very immature compared to you.

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What Guys Said 4

  • Yes this is the most hurtful breakup method. I've had this done to me before.

    Ill tell you straight, he's stringing you along, from here on out. You can tell by his actions of how much of a child he is being by not answering or replying to your requests.

    If I was you, I wouldn't even hold on anymore. He's not worth it. And you don't need closure, the closure is, he's an idiot.

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  • Some guys are out of touch with their own feelings, and couldn't explain to you why they stop contacting you.

    They also won't officially break up, since they, like you, have no idea they are breaking up with you!

    But usually, they won't ever be able to overcome whatever is blocking them from communicating. Whether they themselves are aware of it, they have broken up with you. This guy is in that category.

    It's good you don't get mad at him, since he's acting under some compulsion that he can't understand..or explain.

    You won't have closure, but it's time to tell him goodbye. You should recommend he get counseling, since he apparently doesn't know how to communicate with a person who has been open with him about their feelings.

    No wonder you're confused!

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  • Probably because you talk too much.

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  • dang

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What Girls Said 2

  • That kinda happen to me, though in the end I did get closure. Still I know how bad it hurts

    I got dumped by a 29 year old guy like 2 and a half months ago. And he suddenly got very distant for 2 weeks, only text me simple lines when I texted him. I thought he was stressed and busy but he ignored all questions like "is everything alright between us?" "when are we seeing each other again". I knew we were pretty done but I was thinking I deserve to be officailly broken up since we were official and I was so good to him. He suddenly texted me "I'm good and sorry for not replying before" I called him to ask him if he want to meet up then he finally said the words "I don't think we should see each other anymore", he even said it himself that he originally didn't plan to tell me instead he planned to let it fade out.

    JUST MOVE ON and find someone better. If he won't end it with you, end it yourself so that you can finally heal and move on. That's sth I wish I was strong enough to do back then. Being very good to him in all aspect doesn't mean he will give you the closure you deserve, some guys are just immature and are idiots and you deserve better

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  • how long has this behavior been going on? if its longer than a week I would suspect there's someone else but he won't let you go unless he knows the other is a sure thing..u probably initiated arguments due to lack of trust,not only because it happened to you in the past but because your intuition was telling you something,many times when a guy knows we have been cheated on,they play the I WOULD NEVER do that card to throw us off when in fact we are dating the same exact type.

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