What causes emotional pain in relationships?

A year ago, my ex cheated on me, and I texted her a few days ago, and she's still with her boyfriend she cheated on me with. We argued and I blocked her number.

Why am I in emotional pain? I know I'm angry and hurt. I don't think I did anything to deserve all of this.

Updates:
I'm feeling better after reading everyone's advice. Thank you so much, everyone! It means a lot to me. I'd give all of you best answer if I could.
I feel like a veil that made me feel empty and in pain has been lifted from both my mind and my chest.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I understand how it is to be cheated on. Your hurt of the betrayal that you trusted her to not hurt you and to at least respect you enough to break you with you with out cheating, lying but with the true honesty of her feeling, But some people don't care and it sad,

    But she will get her karma. But as for you you need to heal, I do not think it best to contact her tho you will only keep feeling like that, it best to get rid of things that pains you things she mightof given you tho out the relationship, it hurts now but you will move on and find someone knew. but now you should focus on your self, go chill with friends, it OK to flirt, check out other girls when your ready, and before you know it you'll find a new girlfriend that won't do that to you and make new memories with her that you'll end up not caring about your ex.

    just give it time every one works at a diff pace. It all depends on you.

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What Girls Said 10

  • It's like asking why it hurts when you accidentally fall over and sprain your ankle. A bad thing has happened, and you're just not over the entire situation yet. Contacting her was a bad idea. You need to let her go and focus on other things. Thinking about it from time to time and being a little angry/upset is perfectly fine, as long as you don't overdo it. Venting is healthy. Holding a grudge is not.

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  • You didn't deserve the pain. No one deserves anything. Sometimes, bad things happen. That's just the way it goes.

    Maybe you texted her hoping that she was not still with him, because it would make you feel a little better about yourself somehow. When you found out she was still with the guy she cheated on you for, it just re-opened a wound a little bit. It will heal in time.

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  • hell no you didn't deserve it..shes a bitch for cheating on u..Karma is a bitch too

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  • You're in pain because you obviously had feelings for her (or still have... understandable) and she broke your trust. It's hard to recover from, trust me. You don't deserve it, I'm sorry it happened.

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  • You probably felt something for her and just the fact of knowing she cheated and she is with someone else can really cause an emotional pain to arise. But the best way to get over that is to no think about her move on worry about the bigger things in life

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What Guys Said 4

  • Three things I think, bad communication, comfort seeking, and one or both parties not seeing things as they are.

    Comfort seeking is simply seeking escape, security or affirmation, from one's problems through pleasure, which in this instance, happens to be a relationship. So if one has some problem in life, that has not been addressed, could be a number of things, given we are in denial about lots of things, this will invariably take its toll on relationships. But these issues we feel we can't overcome, add to the sense of loneliness and longing, and that craving for comfort, that we all feel at times. This clouds our thoughts and therefore leads to unconsciously destructive behavior .

    Not seeing things as they are could relate to a number of things. You can't control the behavior of the other person, relationships invariably break down, and are in a perpetual state of flux. We might think we know another person, but each one of us is changing all the time, subtly, imperceptibly. Sometimes I'm bewildered by some of the things people say to me, because they might still see me in ways which I thought better described me two or more years ago. The mind does not know the other person wholly; it thinks it can, but much of it is its own silly fancies.

    Or more common, is imbuing your partner with certain lofty characteristics, seeing what you want to see, which means you might not put any significant weight on their faults or dubious behavior . So if you're blinded to them, you might be blinded to the ways in which they abuse you, take you for granted, etc. If that's the case, then you are obviously the party that is prolonging your own pain, because you expect things to get better, or you're not fully acknowledging the reality that I spoke of, which is that the relationship is finished, this person does not care for you, so on, so forth.

    Relationships are invariably joyful and also have an element of pain. Why do people run from the latter? Why do they internalise it, and keep it with them for years? Not something I necessarily have the answer to. Just a question to ponder.

    Also, I happen to believe, that once there is awareness of these three pitfalls, truly joyous and non-childish relationships can blossom.

    As for the answers to your problem, only you have the key to that. You're angry and hurt, which is natural. Ask yourself, simply, why are you still holding on to this, if you are? Don't try and control it, by saying you shouldn't feel this way; that never works, but simply try and understand it. You were hurt right? What prevents you from moving forward? If one now associates relationship with pain, due to past experience, then what are the prevailing thoughts one now has about future relationships? How true are they?

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    • I guess what prevented me from moving forward was feeling as if I'd never find love again; I never felt more happy and in love than when I was with her, and losing that is hard, especially when I feel like that won't happen again, or at least for a very long time. Perhaps I was angry because they were still together when I thought they would have broken up, and I feel like they should be in pain or suffer like they made me.

      Other attempts at relationships haven't worked out, which made itharder

    • I just need to let go. I've been attempting to do things and form other relationships that mitigated it, but it hasn't worked. The problem was that girls only reminded me of what I had lost, because in some way, they were inadequate or didn't match with how I felt with her. So that made me long for the time I used to have, and being without put me in pain, and being betrayed and replaced made me angry, etc. I even wrote a memoir about the whole thing. I just need to let go; atm, I feel content.

    • And the problem was that I truly cared about her, for whatever reason (which I always do in relationships, but not to such a profound extent). My feelings for her have been on and off, so I've been up and down. And seeing so many people at my college in happy relationships isn't easy... It makes me feel like I'm at the bottom of the "status pyramid," "the food chain," "the qualitative hierarchy," or whatever. ha. But currently I'm feeling better. I think this whole talk helped.

  • He fell for a rookies mistake.

    You lose them how you get them.

    Only a matter of time before she cheats on him too, if that makes you feel any better.

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  • I've heard somewhere that most women think men have no hurt emotions.

    Perhaps she just used you like a puppet.

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  • Your enemies can't hurt you.Only your friends can hurt you.

    Remember this : She wasn't your friend.She pretended to be your friend,for what she could get from you.

    Never look for a reason.They don't need a reason to do this.A scorpion is always a scorpion;it's in their nature and they won't change.

    Be thankful it happened early in your life.20 or 30 years later,it could cost you almost everything you've worked for in your life,and that may have been a life of great sacrifice for someone you believed in.

    Keep healthy.Worrying affects your health,and burns up vitamins,especially vitamin B.When your physical health suffers,you don't deal well with stress and it all gets worse,Eat well and get plenty of exercise.Physical exertion is good for lowering your stress level and getting back on track.

    The short term fast way to burn bridges is to go out and get screwed.It's worth it,even if you have to buy a good whore.No-one gets used that way.

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    • Thanks, man. Good advice.

    • It's better for it to happen and learn from it now, instead of discovering it years later.

    • I'm happy if it puts your mind at ease.

      Now put it all behind you,and get on with your life.It always gets better than it ever was,but you can never assume anything is permanent.

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