They won't risk losing you if their feelings were true?

I met someone charming, someone who I had an amazing time with, a man I thought was everything I had been searching for- he felt about me (telling me). It was LDR, I'm 30, he's 35. He blew very hot in the begining, which I'm seeing now probably was a red flag, telling me within 2 weeks I was amazing, everything he had been searching for, etc. We shared interests, laughed, amazing sex, etc. (I never had these things/type of connection before with anyone- I was smitten). He was smitten too, I am starting to believe he was the type of man to blow extremely hot at first to hook me, which that he did. A lot of signs pointed to that he was a good man, but there were things in my gut that didn't feel right (ie- he yelled at my best friend because of an argument she was getting in with her boyfriend and told me she just wasn't a good person for me to be friends with, he told me I lacked substance and we weren't compatible- reason for breakup 1/6). He asked if I would read to our children and wanted to make sure he was chosing the right one to carry on his "legacy" with him. I'm a pretty good woman I have 2 degrees great TS govt job for 10 years a home good friends close family ties and good morals. He questioned the fact that I "partied too much" in my 20s because he found some pictures of me from my college party years. This was his excuse to find something wrong with me. Anyway, he walked away a couple times claiming incompatibility (thought I was a "party" girl), he would come back saying he made huge mistake that I was amazing that I set the bar so high that he was just scared/confused/needed time, etc. OK, I can handle that once, I get it, guys need time sometimes. But I coulnd't let go of the fact that he walked away based on false judgements he made of me. Recently (2 months out of break up and slight communications). he's BACK! go figure---- claiming he has realized how aligned I am for him, that we are perfect for each other, he wants no other, he will take counseling etc. I told him I needed some time to get myself together, not meaning we had to stop all communication, but I didn't want to see him right away because it would skew my decision and I wanted to make sure I could trust him again (he lied a couple times to me-one of them included having a second child in another country that he didn't tell me about because he didn't want me to judge or walk away- not sure how I feel about that one). After I told him I didn't want to see him and that I just needed some time to build myself back up and see if I coudl trust him by his actions (he wanted to visit me that weekend), the next day I got the text message "I need to let us go... I need time to figure out what the HELL it is I want. I have never been alone long enough." One day prior telling me he wanted to go to counseling. If a man truly feels this strongly about a woman, to me, he woulnd't risk losing her by lying, leaving, he woulnd't leave in the first place- yes/no?


Most Helpful Guy

  • I think your question is kind of irrelevant in this situation because... this guy clearly has tons of issues. he's a liar, controlling, judgemental, manipulative, and not good at commiting. so the basic question is why do you even bother with him? why would you bother even saying I need time to get myself together? or figure out if you can trust him?

    aside from some nice words he told you and feeling smitten and say he's smitten this guy seems to have more red flags than any real positive traits.

    If he truly felt strongly about you, you're right he wouldn't leave... but that is only the beginning of his issues.

    he's not worth it. cut him out of your life and move on. you deserve better. a guy who won't judge you, a guy who won't lie, a guy who won't fight needlessly with your friends, a guy who takes care of his issues (therapy and what not) before entering into a relationship...just avoid this guy like the plague

    • Yes... you are right on. I'm not sure I can even answer you that, I feel like I'm going crazy- think he manipulated me in the past 10 months and it worked. He just emailed me saying "I miss your attention", he is selfish and just needs attention that's why. Ill focus on figuring out why I even care or why I subjected myself to this treatment and thought it was okay. Thank you for your honesty.

    • I think sometimes we just get really hung up on the potential and the way a person can make us feel so great that we ignore the clear problems. I've been in this situation letting a person who was bad for me in my life way too much... I've tried to always have a 3rd person perspective when I have these issues. Essentially I think what would a friend suggest or a bystander who was witnessing this relationship. That's a good thing about this site you can get that perspective

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What Guys Said 2

  • He sounds like a complete psychopath. Run far away.

  • "They won't risk losing you if their feelings were true?"

    Rubbish. There are plenty of normal healthy sane reasons why a man would take such a risk.


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