Is it OK to have sex with your ex while trying to work things out with him?

Me and my boyfriend broke up almost two months ago. He was acting immature and he also had hurt me. He initially wanted to break up with me and just be friends but I told him that I didn't want any parts of that. I didn't want to be just friends. I wrote him a letter expressing how I really felt.. I wanted to move on to marriage with him, live together and eventually have babies too. I told him that maybe we should just go our separate ways and that if he doesn't want to be with me then its OK. I told him Some other man will do all the things he didn't want to do. After he read the letter he told me he was heartbroken and didn't want to loose me to someone else and he said he would better himself. fast forward a few month to present day and he has been keeping his word. He's bettering his life and growing more mature. But since he's focused on becoming stable and bettering himself he said he doesn't want to be in a relationship right at this moment. He wants to be secure with his self and grow more mature. All of which he plans on continuing because change take time and consistency. So right now we are talking to each other but we aren't in a relationship...its like we're dating or getting to know each other all over again and, trying to see if we can work things out. Everything is going really good. ...But we were having sex I sat down and really thought about it and I didn't know if having sex was a good idea. I enjoy making love with him and its one of the best feelings ever but I don't want him to think he can have all of me and not have to ever commit. I feel like sex should only be with people you love, in a relationship, or in marriage...that may be a different way to think but that's how I feel. I'm scared that if we keep having sex he will think he never has to make me his girlfriend again. Right at this moment I don't want to be in a relationship just yet because I want to see him grow and prove to me that he is worthy of me but I do love him and I do want to talk to him in a dating when you first meet a person. But at some point I want to move towards a relationship not just keep talking. Is it OK to keep having sex or should I tell him that we should only do that when he wants to make me his girlfriend? I don't know if the sex effects how he thinks or not. I want him to remember that I only like doing it because we love each other and we agreed that we will get back together soon. I don't want him to forget the main goal...even though he is showing me that he wants me and only me and that he wants to stabilize his lie for himself and for me...I guess I just felt alil paranoid. What should I do about the sex? Is it OK or not?


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  • You're right that, if you have sex with him while not his girlfriend, then he doesn't have as much incentive to change or want you to become his girlfriend. The problem, though, is you've been doing it; so, if you try and stop it, he won't like it, and it's hard to say how he'll respond. You asking say you're dating, but you don't want to be in a relationship. Well, whether it's official or not, you are. The most important thing is his actions; so, although I'd have recommend that you not start having sex with him during this time, I'd suggest that you just continue as you are for as long as he keeps bettering himself.

    • So we should keep having sex? =/

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    • Of course I don't want to get hurt again so I may be afraid of that. And you're right. Maybe not right now but if we keep having sex and spending time together I would like it to move into a relationship. I hope he isn't using the whole bettering himself just to have sex with me. From his actions I don't see that because he actually is taking the steps to better himself. I just hope he continues. I guess I should bring it up when I feel like we should officially take it to that level.

    • If things keep going good I think that conversation will be coming soon.

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  • If you're worried about whether or not he'll want to commit if you have sex with him, then you're worried that he only wants sex, and isn't interested in anything more. If you're having these worries, then he's probably not treating you the way he should, or you feel you can't trust him. It sounds like you'd be better off breaking it off with him. However, if you feel like he really will change, and you can trust him to actually better himself, why not have sex? It's just sex. But that's only if you're OK with it. If you feel bad about it in any way or if it makes you feel bad about yourself, then don't do it. Sex is supposed to be something fun people do together. If you're trying to use it as leverage for him to change it will only taint sex for you both. If you feel bad about it, or it's not fun, then don't do it. Explain to him why you do or don't want to have sex and be honest with him. If he doesn't like it, or doesn't respect your feelings, then you shouldn't be with him.

    • I see your point. And I love having sex with him it makes me feel wonderful. I do trust him to better him self. He's showing me with his actions. I hope it all continues. He said he wants to be with me and only me but he wants to better himself and become more stable so he can devote his time to a relationship and his life won't be a mess. He said he isn't talking to or interested in any other girl. I guess I just got a bit paranoid.

  • I'd say that all it will do is complicate things further, if he's bettered himself then I'd say going out with him is fine, but sex whilst separated is hardly ever a good thing.

    • Yea...that's what I was thinking too. But should I talk to him about it? How do I bring it up or how should I say it?

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    • Do you think there are different levels of commitment? Because I only talk to him and I'm only intimate with him. And he told me that he only wants to be with me and he's not talking to any other girls or having sex with others. So from what I know and from what he says he only is interested in me and doesn't want anything from anyone else. He says he just needs to get himself more stable and focus on bettering himself before he enters a relationship with me again so this time he can do it right.

    • I'd say your already in a relationship with him but he wants to avoid it being official.

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