Still in a bad relationship, need some help to either mend it or break it?

Hi everyone,

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months now. We're both freshman in college and we've both had completely different transitions to living away from each other and home. He went off the deep end, got into drugs, failing school, and basically not giving a sh*t about me. I wouldn't doubt that he's cheated on me either because he denies it but he says it in a tone which is not very sure of himself. I've had an easy time, haven't gone through a self destruction phase, and have been completely faithful. Stupid me kept the relationship going through his hard time and now he's finally coming back to normal which has been a struggle. He constantly says he loves me more than anything in the world, and when I broke up with him one time during his crazy phase he broke down crying and apologizing and I got back with him the next day. I kind of regret doing that. Continuing to be with him has been so hard. Somedays, he's perfect. Other days, he forgets about me, could care less about what's going on in my life, and grosses me the f*** out when he asks me to dress like a slut for him. (not my style!) He recently bought 5 posters of naked girls and hung them all over his room...not something he would have done 4 months ago. It grosses me out that he's become such a scum, and so not himself, but underneath it all I still have feelings for him. I never know which is stronger, and I've never been so confused in my life. I could just use some help straightening out what's best for me.

Thanks everyone-


Most Helpful Guy

  • If you leave you get some heartache now, some experience and wisdom, and some new opportunities waiting in the future.

    If you stay, you gamble that he will eventually be able to pull through his addictions and emerge a better person (also becareful of 'switching addictions' as addictive behavior can be transitory), and you also signup for all the (potentially years) of discomfort and difficulty waiting for that to happen (if it happens).

    No wonder many of the answerers are telling you to cut this guy loose.

    I can't tell you what to do, because I'm not in your shoes and I don't feel about him how you feel about him. None of us really know that. So all I can advise you to do is this:

    If you choose to go, then go, but prepare yourself to not regret and not look back.

    If you choose to stay, make sure you are not staying to put off or procrastinate dealing with the heartache that comes with leaving, and that you will not regret your choice to give him more time, however much time you decide that should be.

    Either way, you make a decision and then you pay for it. You decide what the costs are worth to you.

    • Thanks, I feel like I've seen the light through these comments, I know for sure I will be ending it tomorrow. It just keeps progressively getting worse, and I'd rather the heartache now than the endless heartache all the time!

    • You are welcome. I hope you feel peace about your choice and that it works out for the best.

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What Guys Said 3

  • What's best for you is that you is that you never stoop down to the level of a guy that will cost you some of your character, self-respect, morals of happiness. That's what I see will happening if you stay with him. Those qualities are very, very hard to get back. In a relationship both partners need a partner that respects them all the time and always strives to keep a positive attitude and outlook about themselves and the other one. You can't have this up and down like a yo-yo like he's been because you'll never know where you're at with him. Right now you're thinking less and less of him and you have no idea what he's thinking of you? There's no room in a relationship for a guy telling his girlfriend to dress like a slut or for him to be hanging posters if naked girls all over his room just to get you upset or show his stubborn tantrums. Continuing to be with him is going to be harder and harder because he's gotten to unpredictable. Relationships either keep getting better or getting worst. Then never stay the same. So if yours is getting worst then it will only keep getting worst until our of desperation and survival you'll try and walk away. The longer you wait will bring more adverse reactions from him and mix up your life even more. I say you need to walk away now and see how he handles himself and if you continue to have feelings for him. You don't need all this emotionalism and talk from him when his actions are the opposite. If your relationship is going to change (get better) then someone is going to have to change. To improve anything, change has to occur. If he begs you to stay hen tell him he'll have to prove he's completely changed... not in his talk but in what he does. His falling apart is not your problem. You have been too good for him. You need to take care of yourself because no one else will nor can do that. We are all responsible for our own lives. We are the ones that always make the final decisions when it comes to things that affect our lives in a direct and personal way. So make sure you make the right one for yourself. I'd make it quickly while you can still think straight. Good luck!

    • Thank you so so much. You're words were very helpful.

    • You're so welcome! I was glad to read above that you'll be leaving him tomorrow. Good luck! I really like that last thing you said, "...and I'd rather the heartache now than the endless heartache all the time." It would be a heartache that would get worst. Good luck again! :)

  • Your boyfriend sounds like a bad person. I can tell you that there are plenty of handsome guys that can outclass your boyfriend any day. Ill give you a hint, next time go out with a guy that goes to the gym. They have less drug problems, and commitment is not a foreign term to them. You still have time before all the nice and handsome guys are taken. I was disgusted when he asked you to dress like a slut. He ASKED you. That is as bad as paying for sex. I'm going to assume he does not have big muscles, his personality sucks, he must have a pretty face or you would not put up with him. I hate how you said you still like him. Please hurry and find somebody smarter, cuter, and with bigger muscles. You probably are a very cute girl, it will be easy for you to find somebody. Ill give you a hind that "encourages" guys to go for you. Like 75% of guys are shy, they don't go for girls because they don't know how she will respond. Next time you see a guy you like and your eyes meet. DONT look away, you have to smile at him. He will know you are interested then.

    • Thanks so much...and you're def correct on the lack of muscles and personality...he kinda does suck, its just been really hard for me to face that. Thanks for pointing it all out for me.

  • Actions speak louder than words. You can't fix anyone. they have to fix themselves. Move on and never let someone bring you down. Maybe you had a male figure in your life treat you crappy or show this type of behavior? If you love yourself you will take care of YOU. This should not be a confusing choice.

    • Very true thanks so much...I think that def reflects my relationship with my dad, he is always very controlling and has always held high expectations for me, so maybe I'm just hanging onto my idea of him.

    • Yes and please for your sake leave him. It also will help your boyfriend. IF he feels that this behavior is acceptable then he will do it to other women. Keep safe please.

What Girls Said 2

  • Wow girl, it's amazing that you could put up with all of this. You need to end this. No one should have to deal with that. You deserve better. I know it isn't easy, but don't let him guilt you into staying in the relationship. You have 3 1/2 more years of college left, you shouldn't have to be chained down.

  • once a cheater always a cheater


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