Was he just using me to get over his ex-wife?

Trying to figure out what went wrong in my 10 month relationship. I met this amazing man 10 months ago and we really hit it off. We are so compatible, have amazing chemistry, want the same things out of life etc. We were basically inseparable. He went through a horrible divorce before he met me- the divorce was official four months before he met me but they had been separated for two years. She actually left him for another girl but won't admit she's gay even though she's living with her girlfriend. She cleaned out his bank account, and would have the girlfriend live at their house while he was away 3 months out of the year for the military. She wouldn't even answer her phone while he was away . He was absolutely distraught over it. Now, when I first met him and we were developing our relationship he made it seem like he was over her and was ready to move on- and I truly believe he wanted to. He said he had wanted someone like me forever and just wanted a normal girl and wanted to start a life and settle down with someone. He treated me like a queen and we were like best friends. All that being said, even though his ex was living with her girlfriend she would always bother him. Ask him for favors, ask him to install shelves at their apartment etc. He always did it. Then, she would blame him for all the problems in her life and he would become severely depressed. He would be in this incredible funk for a few days then he would tell me he needed space. I would leave because I knew he needed to be alone and he needed time to heal, but then we would start talking and would try to just be friends but that never worked. We always ended getting back together as boyfriend & girlfriend. I would ask him "are you sure you're ready?" and he would say he was and he would say he didn't want his ex to ruin our relationship. We would be great for a month or two, his ex would come back around and it would be the same thing...he would get depressed, stressed and needed space. He ended up asking me if I would help him find a Dr. to get over her. I helped him, I even drove him to the dr.- and he really helped. Every time he went to the Dr. he would be in a great mood for a few days, be the best boyfriend in the world. Then boom- she would show up..either a text or a phone call and the cycle would continue. Now, last week he professed his love for me..said he was committed to me and our future. He said he was ready to move on from his past and start a life with me. We even planned a weekend getaway and talked about moving in together. Well, five days after he professed his love to me she came back in the picture and he just told me again he needed space..wtf. I've been so supportive and I know deep down he does love and care for me but now I'm thinking he was just using me to get over her..even though it didn't work because he's still hung up on her. She won't leave him alone and he's not strong enough to do it by himself. Has anyone been through this? I won't chase him but I don't want to give up.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Unfortuntely there's not much you could do in this situation besides what you're already doing, which obviously isn't working. They don't have any kids, right? So there is really no reason for her to continue to be a part of his life. If he can't figure that out though, and kick her out for good, that's not fair to you. I'd stay away for awhile. If he ends up back together with her, or needs to spend more time getting over her, then you've only saved yourself more time and heartache. If he finely figures out he can't have the both of you (and that he shouldn't want her in his life) and comes back to you, great. If not, you've already started yourself on the rode to getting over him.

    • no children, She is a HS teacher and was having an affair with a student (her current gf) so the police were involved. He is a cop in a neighboring town so he filed for divorce before she could ruin his career. Nothing happened to her because the girl graduated, turned 18 and they moved in together. He's told me numerous times that they never should have gotten married and that even if they did get back together it would never work because they had a horrible relationship and he isn't in love with her.

    • I would really like to believe him, BUT, if she is so horrible, he's so done with her, he doesn't love her, why is he continuing to let her be a part of his life? Those two things just really don't match up. If his head/heart was in the right place with you, then you wouldn't be having her be an issue all the time. She is an issue because, and ONLY because, HE continues to allow her to be one.

    • exactly, he says he has a hard time letting go of the past and doesn't want to lose the memories. clearly he's confused because just last week he confessed his love to me and said he wanted to commit to me. I can tell he wants to be happy but he's just not ready. its unfortunate because we were best friends and had a real emotional connection, he's just not ready to let go of her

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What Guys Said 1

  • All you can do is work with him and the psychologist. See if you can bring him to understand that he has to cut his ties with the ex, or she will drag him down into depression once again. Try to work with himd uring the up cycle, right after he's spoken with the counselor.

    You will have to set a limit on how long you will stay with him, when always at the beck and call of this awful ex. It's possible he'll never be able to get away from her. In that case...

    You know what you must do!

    • his dr has been helping but he needs more work..clearly. he's been depressed for a few years so they need to work on that as well. he claims that he wants to get better, seems like he is focused on moving forward then she contacts him and its a downward spiral. he says its like she knows when he's happy and just wants to ruin it

    • I suspect she does exactly that..tries to bring him back down, so she can continue to manipulate him.

What Girls Said 1

  • ok maybe this makes me sound like a bad person. but I have been in a similar position to your boyfriend. I had gotten out of a serious relationship that left me stressed heartbroken and in severe pain. he cut me deep. I badly wanted to get over him. I met someone pretty much straight away. I didn't really even want to date, but he was so attractive and he made me laugh and feel good. I was honest with him though and said that I had just gotten out of a bad long term relationship. however when he said was I over my ex I lied and said "yes". it wasn't that I was trying to use him or I didn't care its just I thought well obviously if I said no he would stop talking to me. and its not like the boy loves me yet, I am not going to break his heart if we break up in a month or so, he will be fine. honestly, I am not a heartless person, I didn't want to hurt him BUT I honestly was thinking of myself first. I just wanted this new guy to stay and make me feel happy. I basically told him what he wanted to hear. I didn't think I was using him, (but I guess I was) because I thought to myself maybe if he makes me feel really good I will get over the pain my ex gave me and I can genuinley have a proper relo with him. however, it didn't work. every time my ex came back in the picture it would stress me and I would tell him I needed time to think I wasn't sure what I wanted. in that time I didn't think of him once I was thinking of my ex. only after my ex would hurt me again did I re contact him. when I re contacted him every time I would say a complete lie. not because I wanted to lie or lead him on but because I was so desperate to feel good I just needed to make sure he would come back to me. I would say stuff like I don't know why I keep pyshing you away I guess I'm just scared to committ again, I want to be with you, you are amazing, you are way better than my ex I want a relationship, lets go away this weekend. I was say so much sh*t. and its not that I meant it but I was projecting everything I wanted to say to my ex onto him. I wished he was my ex in some weird way. the intensity that I was feeling for him was because I felt intesnity to my ex and needed someone else to push my love onto. its not that I didn't care for him, but the only reason I wanted him was to make me feel good. after 6 months of me realising this. I ended it with him. saying I am just not ready. and that was because I found someone else. somene more practical for a relo. so I guess he was just there when I needed him. nothing more nothing less.

    • I don't think you're a bad person because at the end of the day most people never truly intend to hurt another person. I met my boyfriend 10 months ago and he's "pushed" me away 4 times. Only for a few days but I could tell his ex had contacted him. I've always been understanding and we over communicate about everything which is good. Going to his therapist is helping and he says he's committed to not letting her get in between us but who knows. I constantly question if he's ready..it's hard

    • the thing is if you have to ask if somoene loves you, if someone wants you, if someone is committed then they are not. if someone is ready, or wants you and only you you just know. I think he is not ready. maybe because you feel he is your possible future and you are invested in him you are sort of in denial.