After 4 months he's confused - sex 'too soon'?

we met in June through a dating site, we're both in our thirties. we got along well, decided to spend the summer together - 3 weeks. first issues: he seemed frustrated about several petty things I said or did. once he got really angry out of jealousy, for a supposed 'flirt' he accused me of having w a male friend of mine, only cause I drank from this guy's glass. he was prepared to dump me out of the car, late at night, in a very dangerous city area.

insecurity issues, coupled w 5 years of psychotherapy - which he's still following - led to a number of arguments and misunderstandings, often ending up w me defending myself from random paranoid accusations. even then, I've always been there to talk, listen, understand. as soon as summer ended, even tho we still kept seeing each other on weekends (we're semi-longdistance), it felt like he didn't really want to communicate during working days. we usually had a 1h phone call before bed, very rarely some random text in the afternoon. and I'm not someone who calls or texts first that often. whenever I initiated contact in the past, he often cut it short.

lately he started saying he was always 'tired' from work, and didn't feel chatty. I told him I wished for more communication in general, a relationship cannot survive only on weekends, even if 'intense'. we were supposed to spend these last few days together, possibly going to a fair he invited me to. on Thursday, he came round my place, w/o his usual rucksack, just to 'talk'. end result: he's not sure if he wants to stay with me any longer. he's not sure if he's in love with me. he blamed me for having had sex "too soon", thus leading him to get "emotionally attached" to me "without knowing me properly", therefore he felt the relationship was built up more like a "flirt" than a serious one. he admitted he liked me phisically, but didn't like my character that much. all of a sudden it's all down to sex? I've also been accused of being "too alpha", that my assertivity made him feel constantly inferior. I felt crushed, confused, abused. he asked for "a few days" to think things through, "with the help of his therapist". I should wait for his decision, while still "being together" but w NC. he slept at my place, no sex, but he tried to initiate it several times and even bursted into tears once, while touching me, stating he felt guilty for "being unhappy" and "not knowing what he wanted". he stayed all Friday, I cried a lot, he tried to comfort me. he suggested to go together to that fair, but then changed his mind again and suddenly decided to go back to his place alone on Friday night, leaving things uncertain. only texted me once back, saying he would ring the next day. I called him right away, I wanted an answer about 'us', I felt played. he told me very rudely he had enough and that I should have just gone to bed and wait. that's when I decided to split. we went NC. now he's back on the dating site where we met. WTF?


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  • Sounds like a load of lies to me... If someone is confused about their feelings it doesn't come about because they had sex, yes sex is connected to intimacy but you don't have sex then suddenly become a million times more attached and see it as a bad thing. Plus it's funny how he would say that's the issue, he'd be complaining about being unhappy and confused, but he'll happily still try to have sex with you? When guys say things about 'feelings' in conjunction with sex it's often a load of lies. I think he wanted no strings sex, to keep it from being serious he would say 'oh, I don't know what I want'... 'oh, we're going too fast...' Not so fast that we have to stop having sex, just too fast for anything else... It also suggests he isn't that emotionally attached, if I'm attached to someone I contact them a lot, I don't care if I'm swamped or tired... I make that effort to contact them. I think he was trying for no strings, and when it wasn't going his way he tries to guilt you into it, by suggesting it's not him and that it's your issues. Plus it explains that when you split, he suddenly got over it and is back on the dating website.

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    • well thank you for your answer. although it doesn't certainly make me feel better, that's possibly very close to the truth. I probably should have noticed earlier red flags down the line, my bad for being so naive about the famous "benefit of the doubt". still weird tho how he could be extremely sweet and caring at times, to then end up boiling it all down to sex. I guess at this point it's just some form affective disorder of his, or stuff I don't wanna get involved with anymore anyway.

    • Believe me, I'd prefer to be honest. I could sugarcoat it for you, and I do feel bad being so openly blunt. At the same time I don't want guys to get away with and continue getting away with playing people if I believe it's what they're doing. I know guys who can act sweet down to a tee, and they're all major players... I know a guy who every girl seems to think is such a sweet guy, I know he uses girls, dates several at a time and puts on a big act. I used to ignore is, not anymore though.

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