How do you measure the time in a relationship?

Today, I got in a huge fight with my boyfriend, about something we have fought about many times. I don't feel like he makes time for me.

We have been together for over a year, we are long distance and live an hour and a half away from each other, and he works full time, plays a professional sport (that he doesn't get paid for) that practices every weekend during the season and practices another hour and a half further from me.

I had been looking forward to the winter because it's the off season and now we could do things on the weekend together. Until yesterday... his team, which is basically all of his best friends, decided that they also want to do a winter league that's going to require one full weekend a month until the regular season starts... and on top of that he decided to play an intramural sport that plays for a couple hours every weekend during the winter.

So, today like most days in our relationship, I drove the hour and a half gladly yesterday to visit him since he asked me too because he was going to be alone, and then we get into a fight about the winter league, which doesn't get resolved, and he falls asleep early with me left watching a movie by myself.

I am woken up early this morning by him telling me he is going to play the intramural sport and will be back soon. 4 hours later, I was furious. Like most weekends, I am left sitting at his house by myself waiting for him to get back home while he goes and does whatever he wants to do. And the cherry on the cupcake was when I asked him why he was gone so long he says "We all decided to sit around after we played and talk for a while". I couldn't believe it, he left me sitting at his house by myself for hours so that he could talk to people that he sees all the time after playing a sport with them all morning.

And so starts the fight we have had so many times, that I don't feel like he takes me into consideration, and doesn't care about me. I bring up the fact that whenever he drives down to visit me, I don't leave him to go do whatever I want because I know that is rude, and when we are visiting each other we are supposed to be spending time together.

So basically my question is, is it selfish for me to ask him why we can't do something active together rather him going and doing all these things he wants to do, leaving me as a spectator? Not to mention he considers that me doing something with him. Pfft.

What can I do about this situation? Is it even worth resolving at this point? I can't shake the feeling that there is no room for me in his life.
  • He needs to make more time for you
    Vote A
  • You need to accept that he's going to do whatever he wants to do
    Vote B
  • You should do something together
    Vote C
  • There is nothing you can do
    Vote D
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Most Helpful Guy

  • B. You need to accept that he's going to do whatever he wants to do

    That answer isn't a judgement about what he should or shouldn't do. It's simply the way he is, and he's very unlikely to change in the near future. It sounds like what the two of you want from a relationship isn't the same. He obviously has his own life and is happy with it. To make a relationship work a person shouldn't have to throw away their entire lifestyle. Small changes, yea. But not a complete change of who they are.

    He sounds very independent. You seem to want more from him than he's willing or able to give. Again, that's not a judgement about either one of you. It's just a matter of compatibility.

    However...what you said about it being rude. If he asked you to visit him and then left you alone, that is extremely rude. That's rude no matter who you are or what your relationship is. I don't think you can expect more time than what he's willing to give. BUT, if he invites you there and you drive 1.5 hours to get there you should expect some time from him. His excuses aren't good enough to justify leaving you alone.


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What Guys Said 2

  • I think when your there he should make time for you. I feel like it was rude of him to leave you alone so long and not come straight home to you. I also think that your going to have to accept that he's really into the sport and chooses it over you. Either your going to accept that you will not have much time with him or accept the fact that you need more than what he can give you right now and move on. Or move to him. Something is going to have to change because the situation that you have right now isn't working for you. He might be fine with it because your driving to him a lot but it's not making you happy so you have some soul searching to do IMO.

    I wish you the mental clarity to figure out what is best for you! :)

  • Space and time :D difficult to interpret ;)


What Girls Said 4

  • I do agree with you. I think it was rude to make you wait for him that long, especially since he really does see them a lot more than he sees you. You'd think he would want to prioritize the few times you actually get to spend time together.

    However, it does seem like he's not going to change, especially since you've argued about this several times already and nothing has changed so far. I think you'll either have to accept that, or break up with him.

  • I chose B as well.

    He "should" make time for you, but in all reality, he seems content to do his own thing, and it will only cause more fights if you're constantly trying to get him to change.

    I'm a lot like you - when my boyfriend and I both have free time, I expect him to spend time with me and do things together.

    If he didn't feel the same, there would be problems. I would probably have to either let him be independent while I'm miserable, or just end the relationship.

    When 2 people don't agree on how much time together they want/need in a relationship, I don't see it working out in the long run. There's nothing wrong with wanting more time with your partner, you just may need to find somebody who also wants that.

  • He's not making time for you. He chooses to do this. If you stay with him you have to be 100% happy with him even if he never changes,

  • I think you should end the relationship tactfully. A common problem people have today is trying to accept everything all the time. People don't stop and put their foot down. Its better to end the relationship than continuously bang your head against a wall hoping for the wall to cave. My boyfriend and I have had troubles that, even though he said he would change, he didn't. After 1.5 years of asking him I finally ended and told him we've become such good friends and maybe should remain just friends instead of dating.

    A few days later, we got back together and its been 1/2 a year and from day one of us being back together things were amazingly better and have stayed that way. He did change, us breaking up woke him up.

    However, you might not get back together if you break up and you can't expect him to change. If he doesn't change, you shouldn't waste your time pushing because soon enough one of you will get so upset and break it off. Its better to end before you get to that point. End before you're tearing your heart out. If he changes and wants you back great. If not, move on.


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