Is he still in love with his ex?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months now. I'm his first girlfriend that he's had in about 5 years, and I am also 10 years younger than him. He had told me his last ex cheated on him for a whole year while they were dating, and that's all I knew of it; I didn't care to ask him about it, because I have always felt that anything that needs to be said will be said when the person's ready to talk about it. Anyways, lately he has been acting strange. He got really mad/upset with me because I hadn't changed my Facebook status.. saying that men were commenting on my pictures because they thought I was single; I understand, that's fine. . but, I couldn't understand why he was so mad at me when he hadn't changed his. I changed mine anyways, and asked if we could be Facebook friends. He said no; he said he wanted to give me privacy with my Facebook and that he never got on his for it to really matter. A red flag came up, and I thought about an instance a few months back where he got angry at his ex for getting married and not telling him or inviting him; only for him to find out through Facebook. At the time I thought 'why does it matter? She's your ex' but dismissed it. Now I feel like maybe he's still caught up on her and is trying to hide our relationship because he doesn't want her to see that he's no longer single. Aside from that, I feel like he holds her infidelity against me. He gets so jealous of me hanging around my male friends or even male coworkers. He was complaining to me the other night over the phone that he hasn't slept properly in 5 years, suffering from insomnia- this just furthered my anger, because I feel like he can't sleep due to the fact he can't get over her. It doesn't help that we met online. We don't live close to each other, which I found to be nice at first since I'm usually busy with college and work. But, when I offered to buy him a ticket to see me, he refused! He said it hurt his masculinity and that he would prefer I visit him. I really care about him, the Skype dates are nice, but I don't want to just be that girl that makes him feel less old because I'm younger and feed him attention while he pines for his ex. I have a lot going for me in engineering, and I really love how we get along. Heck, I love the age difference. But, I hate the doubts I have. I hate that he even gives me these vibes. Why can't we be Facebook friends? Why won't he just let me get him a ticket to visit me? Why does he question me all the time, and get controlling and fearful that I may cheat? I'm not that kind of girl, and it hurts when he treats me like I am.
Am I over looking everything? Should I step back from the relationship and move more slowly?


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  • Honestly it just sounds like he's got trust issues due to his past relationship. He can't stand any male giving you attention because he's worried that you will at some point hook up. That's why he's so controlling.

    The fact that he refused to see you even if you paid also tells me that he's pretty immature or too proud for his own good. It's pretty long-distance and you're a cute girl, I would say you should explore better options... this guy has baggage

    • I knew he had baggage. He told me when we first started talking. I think for me I need to be patient. I don't think you love someone if you can quit on him because he and his issues become less simple and inconvenient. I was upset at first, but talking it through I realize it's a lot of insecurities. I'm still focusing on my university studies, so it's not like by leaving him I'm going to search for options. We happened on accident, and fell in love. I'm not going to give up on him.

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What Guys Said 6

  • It sounds to me like he still thinks of his ex while keeping you at a distance that is satisfactory to him... It's like he doesn't want to get to close to you and kinda have his obsession with his ex on one hand, and you on the other. It sounds like he wants you to change your Facebook status so that will detract other guys from commenting on your pics and contacting you, but the fact that he doesn't want to add you as a friend is ridiculous! If you were going to change your status, then you should have both done that together and ideally, added each other as friends and declared that you were both in a relationship together. It sounds to me like he wants some kind of control over you and to make sure that you are his, but wants to keep a certain amount of distance, which seems strange to me!

    What he said when you offered to buy him a ticket is absolutely ridiculous! He would be happy for you to visit him, but he's not willing to make the effort to come and see you when you are the one offering to buy the ticket?! To claim that 'hurts his masculinity' is ridiculous and something is not right about that!

    The fact that he doesn't want to be Facebook friends, but wants you to change your status and the fact that he won't make the effort to come visit you and seems to be a little controlling and secretive is rather worrying! I think you should write down all these things down that are bothering you and list all the questions that you want to ask and confront him with them all. Say that these things are bothering you and that you need to sort these issues out. If he is unwilling to discuss these things with you, or gives you unsatisfactory answers, then I think you seriously need to consider this 'relationship' and concentrate more on your career, having fun with your friends and finding someone who is a little less weird! Something just doesn't seem right or normal about all of this...

    I hope that helps you somewhat and good luck with this situation! :o)

    • We talked about it and he wasn't too happy. After talking about everything he said I was over reacting and that I should know him by now and know that he loves me. It's hard to believe that now though. I just feel like he is a bit too selfish. I have always listened to him and tried to help him with any trust issues he's had. But, the fact that he can't even change his relationship status, something he expected me to do, just let's me know how selfish he is

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    • I'm not out to hurt him,and I don't think love is about quitting when a person or the problems in a relationship become hard to solve/inconvenient. He has baggage, I knew that when we first started talking. I never felt like I should or could fix him, that's something he should do on his own . What I think I have to be is patient. I want results now, but that's selfish and not thinking about how we can get through his insecurities and past. I was upset when we first talked now I understand him

    • I don't think you need to apologize for asking him to change his status, especially considering that he has asked you to do the very same thing. It does sound like he has something to hide and that he's going through a rough patch at the moment. I totally agree with what you said about how love means you work through your problems and I praise you for that, but while you're being patient, just be carful that he's not taking advantage of you! I wish you all the luck in the world with this... :o)

  • Oops. He hasn't had closure. Time to set him free. He is bitter and he needs to reset himself before he has a meaningful relationship. If you don't, you will have a relationsh*t.

    • Yeah, I think that's what's best. We've been dating a while, and it kinda hurts to find all this out now. I'm just glad we haven't had anything physical (sex or anything sexual really).

  • Idk but I maybe in love with you my sexy tan chick with long hair and a tie. Lmao

  • Everything you say makes perfect sense. Perhaps he has not forgiven his ex girlfriend and is taking it out on you. Maybe he is still emotionally attached her. I'm not sure what to make of it but if I were you I would dig deeper into his affairs. Maybe address the problem with him firsthand. He is an older gentleman you have to remember that and he's dating you when you're younger ,I don't want to say he's trying to take advantage of you but it is a possibility.just be more aware until the issue is resolved

    • Maybe. He admitted he has trust issues, but he refuses to acknowledge the fact that they are affecting our relationship. He had the nerve to tell me that anything I did to my Facebook was because I wanted to. Which is true, but only because he came to me with a problem. I wanted to change those things to make him feel more secure. Anyways, about being older. I said something about this when we talked and he said I can't believe you think I'm that kind of guy. That I should know him

    • Just keep pursueing the relation ship and every thing will be alright

  • I'll be your Facebook friend. :)

    As for the guy, you should be more demanding of him to do things to make you feel more secure and happier. As much as you care for him, he doesn't really seem to appreciate you for who you are. The red flags/weird vibes should be enough to tell you. Maybe try talking these concerns out with him, instead of strangers on an internet site. You seem like a genuine and caring person, I'm sure there'd be other guys out there you could find, if this guy doesn't want to try to do things 50/50 with you. You can't have a real relationship with someone stuck in the past and is a taker, and not a giver.

    • Yeah, I did talk to him. I kinda wish I hadn't because it just made me realize how selfish he is. He had a concern about my Facebook, which I hardly ever use, and I didn't mind changing it because I want him to feel more secure with me. It's a choice I made because his feelings matter to me. I think tonight he just showed me how he really feels. He said I was over reacting, and to me that just meant that he didn't think anything I was feeling was reasonable or even worth his time.

  • he's not over his ex that is for sure. He lost trust in all women and now expects you to do more than him for the relationship. He feels someone has to make up for his ex cheating and that's you. Probably thinks in the back of his mind, that being so young and living somewhere else you are prone to cheating so that's why he's so strict. Maybe that's why his ex was cheating on him and eventually left; maybe that's the way he usually acts: possesive and obsessed.

    I'd tell you to stand back a bit. It would be for the best. He has too many issues and you're not capable of understanding what gives. I know ladies are atracted to vulnerable kind of guys, feeling like she could be the one mending his heart and making a real man out of him, but you'll probably hurt yourself. You're too young and probably even an older experienced woman would avoid getting too involved in this.

    • Yeah I think it's just best for the both of us. I feel he has too much pride to even really talk to me about it, too much pride to even take a free plane ticket to see me. I think he needs space; it's hard to believe since they broke up 5 years ago. I mean she's already married. But, I don't want to push him. It's not fair for both of us. I tried talking to him about it tonight, and he thought I was over reacting; to me this just means he thinks I don't have any valid reasons.

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