Why can't I get over a guy I thought I wasn't into?

I'm having a strange reaction to a break up which I recently initiated, & wondered if anybody can relate or offer insight.

I was with a guy for about 9 months. I know this is terrible of me, but I felt like I couldn't get my feelings 'off the ground' so to speak. We seemed to get along really well as friends, but the sex was poor, I didn't feel much physical attraction for him. I had been alone for a very long time when I met him and thought I'd 'give it a shot' to see where it went. There was no chemistry.

We recently went away on a holiday and although I felt I did my best to keep the situation calm, there was an incident where he became quite verbally abusive. I ended it because I felt signs that he may be an abuser.

I went no contact although he texted me trying to get me to go to his party, etc.

For some reason I have missed him terribly and felt an overwhelming need to get back with him. I realize that I must have a problem and have booked therapy.

After 3 weeks NC we spoke and he said that he got over the break up after a week. He said he felt bad for his part in the argument and offered to help me purchase a computer tomorrow to make up for it. We were supposed to go today, but he dicked me around with texts saying 'in a couple of hours' and did that all day until the shops were shut. When he finally called, I said that the shops were shut and asked what was going on. He replied sternly that he thought I sounded 'weird' and that it was simply to help me buy a computer and nothing more to it than that.

I realize no contact is highly recommended after a break up but I actually wonder whether it will help me to go tomorrow, see him and remember that I don't really want him. Presently, I feel pathetic, because I feel a desperate urge to get back with him, and am very hurt by his apparent dismissal of all feelings for me...although he mentioned when we first spoke again that he felt a 'pull' toward me, yet believes we're incompatible.

Why on earth would a guy want to see such a recent ex when he claims he has no intention of getting back together? He's not acting very friendly about the whole thing.

I am expecting a few of you to call me names, but I don't really blame you. I feel like I'm a fruitcake! :D

Thanks everybody for the time you have given to help, much appreciated :)
Was a nice day, he was vry kind. We said nothing about 'things', just went with the flow. When I left, he said he'd felt disgusted with himself for being such a thug & he'd woken up to himself on his lack of self control that day. Seems 2 want 2 try again as said wld call soon. Hope he's realized abuse isn't simply an act of people born with evil qualities ie 'a wife beater', but also from ordinary people losing control in the heat of the moment. Hope everybody realizes that. Interesting thread maybe.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Your language progression is interesting. There's something else that's missing to the puzzle that you're not telling us, something from before this little skirmish of a relationship, and no one can answer you until you tell us what it is.

    The shift from you to him as focal point, and from you to him as perpetrator, suggests that there was more "chemistry" than you thought. Your conscious emotional stagnation and lack of attraction fundamentally have given way to a subconscious state of partnership, but again why lies beyond this perhaps by years even.

    Also why therapy? I mean you are helping the economy but all they will do is dive further back to find the real problem or gather as much info that they can, all the info you're not telling, because despite the change in focus you've given three indications that suggest some form of fear, some form of loneliness, and some form of loss.

    Ah well, I'm just a kid on the internet. I know nothing.

    Let the others tell you he's a stupidface.

    • Thank you for your eloquent reply. I had a physically/psychologically abusive step father and a very abusive ex about 5 years ago which I found very hard to leave. That is my reason for therapy. I hate break ups, I feel the pain so badly that I can't see them through and usually re-unite, and I wonder how everybody else can be so strong to walk away because I find the agony too intense. I'm ashamed of this, I know it's pitiful really. I hope I'm providing the missing pieces here. Thanks again :)

    • Show All
    • Whatever the case just take care of yourself. You're in a pretty bad position to be in. You'll be fine, but still.

    • Question: Did you tell him of your personal history? Better yet do you even wish to continue? Do you want to try again?

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • There are things about him that attract you, clearly, in sptie of his faults. That's totally normal.

    And sometimes, you DO have to see someone again to remind yourself of why you broke up, and reassure yourself it was the right course of action.

    jGo ahead and meet him..he sounds like h's genuinely sorry for the way he behaved, and wants to make it up to you by helping your with the computer.

  • LOL OK fruitcake you are experiencing what we all go through during a break. Even if it's un-functional we miss what is familiar. It was still someone that you were intimate and close with so that's better than nothing. WE all are fruitcakes especially going through a breakup..

    Im going through one too and it sucks and hurts , But I do know from my experience is that getting back with an ex DOESN'T WORK for me !

    I hope you move on good luck what ever you decide!

  • stop caring.


What Girls Said 1

  • listen,u didn't feel anything for him then he got verbally abusive so you ended things.what you are feeling now is rejection but it doesn't mean you automatically became attracted to him,its only the fact that he is not chasing you like he used to and your ego is bruised,heal and find someone who makes your heart flutter


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