Friendship with ex boyfriend, current boyfriend disapproves?

I recently just got out of a relationship of 14 years. We dated throughout HS and college. It was an amicable split. Our families are friends and we both love each others' families. I truly care about him only as a friend, and he's always been respectful of the breakup.

Soon after, I began seeing someone and he absolutely wants me to have nothing to do with my ex. He doesn't understand we can be friends and he doesn't get our families care about each other and it would be almost impossible to completely sever ties with him. He's very serious and wants to settle down, and I do see that happening in the future. I think he doesn't understand my feelings since he's dated around a lot in his past and can't imagine a breakup with an ex being amicable and truly caring for them to move on and be happy. We get along but this is a never ending fight, and it saddens me. I don't know what to do. Am I bring unreasonable for asking him to understand? Or is he right? Any advice would be appreciated...

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I feel like 14 years is such a long time to be with someone, that when you split it's for very good reason - because it must have been a very big decision. So thinking of it that way, I think he should try to be a bit more understanding. You guys know it just didn't work out, but you're still such a big part of each others' lives.

    But on your boyfriend's end, I can see why it might make him insecure. "The ex" is not a happy topic in any relationship.

    Have you had them meet each other? Spend time together? That's really my only suggestion for trying to ease his worries. If that doesn't work, I'd say the best you can do if you really want your relationship to last, is to really cut back on communication with the ex. I know you can't totally cut him out of your life, but maybe reigning it in for a while will help your boyfriend relax.

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What Guys Said 4

  • There is always a fine line between "just friends" and "more than friends". Still, this has to be clear for both. So to be honest, I think your current boyfriend has a point in asking you that. But seeing your ex every once and a while wouldn't be a problem

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  • I am not saying this in a negative way... if new guy doesn't except baggage... he and his insecurities will need a look at.

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  • There are decisions one regrets in the future to make. Why did you break up with him? Did you not like him or did he give you any hint you should be looking for someone else? If NO, then why leave him?

    In my humble opinion, it is a form of love to grant someone (you love) something they like the most, even if it means your relationship may end. I think it is time to compare these two.

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  • Why don't you guys just date again. He is an ex for a reason and if you still want him in your life you guys shouldn't have broken up.

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What Girls Said 4

  • well if I was dating someone who was very close with an ex that would not sit well with me at all as I don't trust very easily, and I don't find it to be very respectful to have close ties with another male if your already with someone.

    Do you still have feelings for your ex at all?

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  • If the person you're dating is trying to restrict your friendships, it's a good sign they'll try to control all other aspects of your life.

    After being in a relationship for 14 years you should know well by now that good strong ones are based on mutual trust. If your current partner thinks you'll be sleeping around behind his back, there absolutely no point in pursuing a relationship with such a person. Not only will he continuously project his insecurities onto you, but he'll make you feel guilty for something that isn't a bad thing. Clearly he already has, since you're here asking for advice.

    You are an adult, who is perfectly capable of deciding what's best for you and who to be friends with. If he can't accept that, then it's time to move on and find a partner, who isn't a control freak.

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  • I don't think you're unreasonable for asking him to understand. If he can't trust and feels insecure all the time, then you might have to have a serious talk to break it through to him. You had a good break up and he probably didn't? It sounds like you triggered a knee jerk reaction from him and it's really his problem. If you do abide by his rules (current bf), it's a sign of control, only if you allow it.

    He's only right if your ex acting clingy but it doesn't sound like by the way you described him.

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    • *He's only right if your ex is acting clingy but it doesn't sound like it by the way you described him.

  • I personally would not date anyone with an ex of over a year unless I was still single in my mid to late thirties. This is because every failed relationship I have had was because of the guy going back to his ex of 3 years, 5 years, etc. Every other breakup that didn't have to do with the ex was mutual because we were just better as friends or didn't have chemistry. Maybe he also had similar experiences as me and cares about you deeply so he hopes that this will not happen to him again. Even if he was dumped one time for an ex, it might have had a major impact on his view of dating someone with a "big" ex, so he is super cautious and upset about the situation.

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