How to break up with someone while leaving future possibility of getting back together?

I'm with an awesome guy, just the timing is horrendous. I'd like to be with him later on when things are different.

He's husband material but I'm not at the "walking the line" part of life yet and he is.

How do I end it with him so there's still a chance for the future (knowing perfectly well I can't expect it since this is my choice and he might be hurt)

Updates:
I'll reconsider it since you're all saying the same thing...
I think a lot of you are jumping to conclusions. I don't not want to be with this guy because I want to date around. Being 5 years older than me he's in a different part of life than me. I'm still figuring out how I'm going to educate myself where as he's got a 5 year plan including finishing his school with no plans for a break for 3 years (which occupies ALL OF HIS TIME leaving me ~8 hours a week) and then when that's done he wants to get married and have kids. I don't know if I'll even
be finished school in 5 years OR if I want kids.


I wasn't asking how to "have my cake and eat it too" rather, how do I end thing nicely so he doesn't hate me so I still had a small potential of a chance if things worked out in the future.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Just simply break it off with him . He is not what you want right now.. leave the future for the future... I think you are worried because you think that you won't get a guy like this in the future.. but...it is just your insecurity.. people meet people all the time and in all ages . Focus on the near to intermediate future at max. Don't feel bad about breaking it off.. this is what you want and you want to be faithful. I don't agree with people down there telling you that you will regret it bla bla... emotions can't be controlled. If you are not attracted now then it is wrong to be with him now. It is like someone joining Med school just because he got high grades and not because he likes to be a doctor. Right now you don't want that type of commitment. It is your life and your feelings. At the same time.. what he does with his life is non of your business. You shouldn't even think about it. You are not responsible for his happiness. I don't think you should reconsider at all!

    If you want him to still respect you.. then tell him that you ''are not at this stage in life where you can offer him this commitment.'' Don't give him further explanations. Don't tell him I am gonna sleep with other guys bla bla even if he gets insecure and ask you this.. simply the sentence above and that at the moment you don't see it working out. If he is a man with senses he will take the rejection and move on. If he isn't then you dodged a bullet.

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    THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
    • I saw this and Loled...I joined med school because I got high grades and didn't really want to be a doctor...I dropped out, lol

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    • I agree 100%. When you're in it, you are blind sighted by how good you have it that you ignore intuition and stick with it in fears of ruining something in the future. Who cares, just focus on what you want and let the pieces fall where they may. Be kind to him and yourself, and if you cross paths again, who knows...

    • Lol the next time they cross passes OP will be with no one and her soon-to-be ex will be married to another girl ... that's what OP is losing.

      OP if you're scared of committing, tell him. But also explain other reasons.

      How long were you together for?

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What Guys Said 6

  • This is the classic mistake that many women make. Meets a good man that wants to be with them but they are not finished "living life" yet. Leaves him and tries to keep him around for the future. Then while she moves on she dates other men and the guy she broke up with finds out...

    This changes men and makes them believe that they did all the wrong things to get the girls. It's gilrs like you that years later will say crap to guys like, "I had my fun, now I'm ready to settle down". Then you will go through the "All the guys I date are jerks, why can't I find a good man" stage. Then blame men because everything that you planned didn't work.

    Let me tell you this, I WAS THAT GUY in the past. Did everything "right", was the awesome man that was always told BS excuses by women as to not wanting to be with me. So I did a 180 and I said to myself never again will I be husband material because all I got was crapped on dumped and left behind.

    What makes you think that a guy wants to wait? It's NOT about timing, it's about how you FEEL about a person. If you really want to be with someone then you will be with them. If you really liked being treated right you would be with someone that treats you right, and so on.

    MOST men are husband material, but those men are pushed to the side. Then when those men turn into "jerks" they are still the bad guy. Jerks are jerks and a-holes and a-holes for a reason. Think about that...

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    • It's not that there's something wrong with him, I just can't commit to him in the way he wants right now... That's what makes it hard. I love him but at this time I'm not what he wants and he's not want I want :(

    • Amen.

    • This!

  • In my opinion don't make him go through this, it's going to be worse. He's going to be seriously hurt and emotionally damaged.

    He obviously loves you and you need to respect the fact that if you do break off with him he's going to be distraught and you probably (80%) not have a chance with him again.

    You need to work things out with him - don't end it.

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    • Staying isn't an option unless I cheat on him...

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    • I seriously don't get you. You claim guy #1 you're with at the moment is Mr. Future and guy #2 is Mr.Right.

      Make your mind up, girl.

      #1 Is going to hate you for ending it and definitely won't come back ... he'll move on and look for a more suitable girl.

      Look if you liked/loved #1 you wouldn't have fell in love with #2, so with this #2 is the guy you should be with. Don't expect #1 to wait for you.

    • I agree with both guys, and I'll just add that I feel if you break up with this guy he you definitely won't be his 'mrs. future.'

  • I promise you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who really doesn't want to be in it. And that will come out in time if you try to wait it out.

    I've read through all the responses on here thus far. I'm not quite sure what you mean by "reconsidering it" so I'll just say my bit.

    I think you should break it off with him. You don't want to be in this relationship, and reading your "the only way I can stay is if I cheat" comment, makes me sure of that. I don't know if you're just throwing that out there to show how unready you are at the moment or if you'd actually consider doing that, but I think that'd be the most deplorable/despicable thing you could ever do to this guy.

    He's not a book you can put a bookmark in and just pick up later, or something you can put on layaway. If the timing is wrong the timing is wrong. It kind of sucks but when the timing is right for you, you'll meet someone and you'll be just as attracted to that person and think he's husband material, because you'll be in love with him at the right time, and the guy you're seeing currently will just be an "almost" that you only remember. And to be honest if you really aren't ready to settle down, once you get out of the relationship you'll look back and know you were right eventually.

    But cards on the table if you break it off with this guy to go "live life," which by the sound of your comments involves seeing other men, you probably will not get back together with him. I wouldn't, if I was in his place. And one final thing. If you do care about him and you do break up with him, be honest about the reasons. This is something that you're going through. I think the decent thing to do is to make sure he knows there aren't things he could have done (aside from want different stuff in life) to make it different.

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  • I was going to come up with a really snide, sarcastic response, but it was taking too much effort. Basically, what you're saying is you still want to casually date but you want to marry this guy when it's convenient to you. Let that sink in for a bit...you want to fuck around...but when you're done taking dicks, you want to settle down with this guy. That lucky bastard.

    But hey, I completely understand. If I had my way, I'd have a girl for each day of the week. Then when I found one that wants to take care of me outside of the bedroom, I'd put a ring on her finger. But how many women would go for that right? Hopefully I can find 7 understanding women just like yourself. I'm tempted to let you to take your pick of days. Seems my snide and sarcastic response didn't require much effort after all.

    Listen, in all seriousness. You need to re-evaluate. Ask yourself these questions.

    1) When do you want to settle down? (Your 28 for fuck's sake. You've got what, 3 more years before you might want to think about settling down? Maybe).

    2) Can you do better than the guy you're currently with?

    If the answer to #2 is no, then why in the high-holiest of hell would you throw the fish back into the sea. It's a pretty big ocean and you're not guaranteed to catch him again when you find out you're in your 30s, life's not going as you planned, and nobody wants to buy a used car. The only one's who will are the jerks and players, and they're only in it for the test-drive. Take what you have.

    I apologize for the abrasiveness of my response, but I loathe questions like this.

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  • If you won't commit to him because of another guy, it's only fair to tell him that and end things. Don't expect he'll ever be back, since he'll immdiately start looking for someone else.

    Aything else would be some form of deceit, wouldn't it?

    From your description, he won't have trouble finding Ms. Willing to Commit, so you'll be out of luck.

    You can stay friends and hope for a better situation in a few years, but the odds of that..I's say way south of 10%

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  • Why not just say you aren't ready for marriage yet, but that you still want to be with him?

    Lol, you could even do one of those engaged to be engaged things, seeing as how it sounds like you do eventually want that.

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What Girls Said 3

  • I was in a very similar situation a few years ago. My guy friend was in love with me but I didn't return his feelings. I thought that I might want to be with him in the future, so I kept him on my hook. Kept telling him "not now, but maybe later." We ended up splitting up because of all the tension it caused in the friendship.

    This boy and I reconnected last year and I developed hardcore feelings for him, but he had gotten over me a long time ago. I felt really guilty about the way I treated him and told myself that a relationship with him wasn't possible. Anyways, long story short, I was really lucky. He's a forgiving boy and he let me have a chance with him. :) We're happy together so far.

    What was my point again? Hahaha. I guess my advice is that if you think you might want something in the future, you should really, really consider not letting it go yet. It may not be available when you're ready for it.

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  • At the moment there are 2 guy answers. I've read through both and all the comments and all I can say is, they're both absolutely right. No such thing as Mr Right atm but Mr Future in the future. This guy you're talking about apparently IS mr right, and in the future things could change dramatically! Maybe in 2 months he'll stop being the perfect guy, due to reasons beyond his or your control. And then what do you say to him? "Oh you were perfect back then, but not anymore, kthxbye."

    You have to decide what you want right now. It sounds like you're with somebody else at the moment. So why are you not able to leave him for this "husband material" guy?

    Finally, you'll hurt him badly like thetheme said. Seriously. Can you imagine if a guy said that to you? That "Girl you're perfect for me, except I'm with another girl at the moment but in 3 years I'm sure we'll be a perfect couple." It's no less than trampling on his feelings.

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  • You can't have your cake and eat it too. You either dedicate yourself to this relationship or you abandon it forever. You can't dump someone and expect them to stick around until you feel like jumping on the bandwagon again. I think if you suspect the relationship isn't working for you at the moment, it never will. You're not willing to make the sacrifices it takes to make this work, which clearly says a lot about how much you value this guy you're with. If you truly thought he was ''the one'', you'd have no hesitation and you'd cling to this relationship for dear life, no matter the difficulties along the way. Now you're considering taking the easy exit cause it's too much for you to handle at the moment. Relationships are never an easy cruise, they're always worth their fair share of compromises and effort. So if you're sick of it already, please leave for this guy's sake and DON'T ever contact him again. He deserves it.

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