Am I so unreasonable? Did I do wrong? How can I fix it?

Had a one-night stand in Milan. We both did not live there, went our separate ways after a nice few days together but swapped email addresses. She emails me when I get back home (to the US) saying she really loved our time together, that she'd love to meet me again (she's in Europe), and would come out to the US (or meet elsewhere). I had a great time as well, so I agreed, a little wary in terms of committing: she agreed it was just to see if there's something between us.

Our contact started off fairly slowly (with no guarantee we'd ever meet again) but we got to know each other better, communicating more and more as our rendezvous date got closer.

Just after I arrived back, I ended up in bed with another girl I had been seeing from before I left. I'd decided to stop seeing her, but was drunk... In the end, I didn't actually sleep with her (she was upset about the girl I'd met in Milan), but probably would have. I stopped seeing her after. A little after that, out with a friend, I was drunk (again) and kissed a girl I'd spent some time with that night. We didn't go home together.

From around that point on, as our email conversations started getting more in-depth, I stopped being so interested in other girls, but had not made any commitments or promises of a relationship by this stage.

Our meet-up comes and goes: it was incredible, we had a wonderful time and decided after that we should be in a relationship. We have been ever since, and are engaged to be married. Before proposing, I wanted to tell her about what happened between coming back home and us meeting up again. I felt awkward about it, and I wanted to be clear about us, with nothing "in the way" so I could be completely honest about "us". While telling her, I emphasised that we were not together at this stage, nor had we made any promises of commitment or exclusivity.

Nevertheless, she did, and continues (6 months down the line) to not take it well. She's tried, at points, to make an analogy: "well, if I were to cheat on you...". I get extremely irritated that she suggests I did (I think she accepts this now). However, she finds what I did unacceptable, even saying she would not have agreed to meet had she known. Despite apologising, wishing events hadn't happened, and reassuring her I have never cheated (I haven't), she still brings this up, it still upsets her, and (as a result) she still has a go at me. I feel (NB: my opinion) she is quite an insecure and jealous person, and has real issues with my past experience with girls.

She has spoken to her friends about this, who said "wtf?", suggesting my actions are reprehensible. This of course validates her sense of betrayal and upset. Am I being unreasonable? Were my actions so bad? I've tried my best to placate and make it better, but it is something that she will bring up, often in arguments. I'm fed up with feeling guilty, I'm fed up with my past being used as weapon irrespective of the regret and remorse I express. Anyone?


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What Girls Said 1

  • Yes you were wrong. If you are dating a girl even casually, you should not be dating, seeing or sleeping with other girls - or half way through - etc... kissing / in bed but not sleeping with another girl. What you did was cheating. Some people think it's okay to date somebody else when you are not certain who you want but I believe it's cheating. You should not have done it and you were in the wrong. Admit that you were wrong, apologize or at the very least - understand her side of the story and stop getting irritated at her for it.


What Guys Said 1

  • Its very confusing to do this but it is still your life and doesn't matter how you do it. People are just asking you to be yourself. As long as you're comfortable with this kind of life. You never get it all in one package anyway.


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