I'm living with my boyfriend of 3 years. Our lives are very intertwined and I don't want to leave him but I'm having trouble coping with what I believe to be a betrayal of trust.
In short, he was already divorced for 2 years when I met him and has 2 children with his ex. His situation isn't easy. He lost almost everything in the divorce and then lost the rest due to the recession.
I made it very clear when I met him that if there was any chance he could be with her and repair his family that I would not enter the relationship.
He has always constantly affirmed his love for me and he has told me many times that he has no desire to be with his ex-wife ever again.
Problem is, last Christmas she visited with their children and a few days later he text her cell (while drinking) that he loved her "heart and soul" which he later explained was to his kids. I became suspicious and kept my guard up. Again, a few months later he was drinking and text her "we are one" to which she replied "never".
Last night we were talking and I asked (since it still makes me uneasy) if the texts weren't for his children but for her.
He said it was a drunken mistake and that it was a while ago so it doesn't really matter now, but it bothers me that we were very committed at that time and he had been assuring me that he had no feelings for her anymore. I feel betrayed for him to confess his love to her( two years into our relationship) even if he was intoxicated. And I feel awful that he tried to make me believe the texts were never for her.
My question is:
Is it possible that he's only trying to sway her for his children and truly has no feelings towards her or is he still wishing they were together even though he lives with me and doesn't plan to go back to her?
I understand that she is mother of his children and he will always be in contact with her. However, I'm scared he'll do this again someday and I have no idea what part of him was compelled to do this. To my knowledge their relationship is 100% about the children and very little friendliness beyond that.
He has mentioned that he is afraid of her dating and his children thinking the new guy is their dad.
I feel bad for his situation and I want to stay but I'm conflicted about letting this go. I don't want it to come back around and bite me later.
Any advice is very appreciated.
Most Helpful Guy
I can not say with absolute certainty that he secretly wants to reconcile with his ex-wife, however, I do feel that he has residual feelings for her and misses the cohesiveness of the in-tact family unit they once shared.
Incidentally, I've had a few of my exes contact me long after our relationships collapsed. After conversing and/or briefly interacting with them, I confidently walked away with the impression that they still had strong feelings for me and I, too, still had feelings for them. Perhaps it's the reason I believe your guy still has feelings for his ex.
The truth is, guys do not contact and profess their love to just any ole flame when they are inebriated. Being inebriated simply loosens our inner constraints, which gives us the liquor courage to act on an otherwise out-of the-question thought.
With that being said, he has betrayed you, therefore, you are well within your rights to question his feelings for her and his commitment to the relationship he has with you.
My advice, don't over think it. If he gives you another indication that he still has feelings for her, I suggest one of you move out before you attempt to resolve the issue, if you are willing to wait for him. That, or count your losses and move on.