I sat and wondered why I am such a fucking failure when it comes to relationships with boys. The past 3 years have been -and I'm not overreacting- me crying and screaming away my boyfriends. The minute I feel a little bit unloved or low on the selfesteem I will find a way or the nearest occation to get hammered and cry my eyes out yelling or screaming out all the feelings I go around with. And not in a cute damsel-in-distress-kind-of way- a crazy overloaded stay-away-she-looks-pysical-right-now-way. I will then later after my ex boyfriend has dryed my tears continue on crying and babling words that doesn't make sense and tell them to go fuck them selves, but if they leave- it's hell on earth.
So- I know that I am a complete mess you would be smart to keep away from, and every time I get dumped- because I have never dumped anyone, only been dumped by those reasons I just told, I start to cry "Please don't leave" and they respond by "I CAN'T WATCH OUT FOR YOU I'M NOT YOUR DAD"
So I sat down one day and thought about it after hearing it now four times from a boy that they can't take being with someone who wants them to play a father-role for me, that that's what I really do. I talk about my father like it's no biggy, but when I think about him I start instantly crying and blaming him for all my actions. My father left when I was one year old, leaving to be an extreme drunk who doesn't remember my birthday and would rather drink in his appartment than spend time with me.
I know pleny of girlfriends who doesn't have a father, but it really bit me hard, really hard. I would do about anything to hear him say he loved me.
Has anyone else felt like this, and how can you see past it when in a relationship? My behavior is killing all my relationship, but without the secure feeling that I'm loved no matter what- I go totally nuts. Has anyone anything to share?
Thank you very much xx
Most Helpful Guy
I'm sorry for your painful memories. Every little girl deserves a loving daddy who will be there for her. You got a sucking self-absorbed drunk.
I feel good about your future 'cause you have an amazing depth of insight into your problem. Know that you're not alone. I know at least two other girls dealing with this in my small social circle. One just barely avoided getting locked up by the cops when she attacked her boyfriend after drinking. Then she turned into a bit of a stalker.
My immediate suggestion is to avoid alcohol like poison. Then get some counseling. It would be very hard to deal with this without help. You should probably stay out of relationships until your counselor says you're ready. I wish you the very best.0