Serious question about cheating..

My current boyfriend was cheated on by his past girlfriend, but oddly enough he ended up cheating on me. He seemed genuinely shaken by how badly he hurt me and even cried about it and said he doesn't deserve me. He swears he would never do it again so I gave him another chance. I get really annoyed when people say "Once a cheater, always a cheater" because I feel like he really is a good person. So I just want to know; do you think once a cheater, always a cheater?

I feel like some guys really do learn their lesson..

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  • I'd say it depends, although I do feel that that statement is mostly true. I think it takes a certain personality type to even allow that to happen. I know just as many people who couldn't even come close to cheating. They could have a naked victoria secret model in their lap and they'd still tell her to leave.

    Looking at the other side of the coin, I also know that just about every person I've ever known who has cheated, has done it more than once. Many times these people will also feel guilty about it. Most people who cheat are well aware its bad and will feel some level of guilt. Only a select few are just so cold that they just don't care.

    That said, on very slim occasions mistakes do happen and its up to you to analyze all the facts about what happened to see if it was something that was largely out of their control. For example, one of my friends who has a history of cheating, is by all intense and purposes a good guy, with good intentions, and a good boyfriend. He is generally loyal to his GF's and treats them very well. His current Girlfriend whom he's been dating for some 4 yrs, he cheated on a few years back. His roommates were having a party and he got blackout drunk (truthfully his first mistake). There was a girl there who was known to be a bit easy and would try and find ways to weasle her way into bed with guys (she wasn't attractive so she had to manipulate her way into the bedroom). Many of the stories I heard was that she basically came onto him and he was so drunk he didn't even know what was going on until the next morning when it all sunk in. She had basically snuck into his bed while he was passed out and pretty much got him to have sex while he was still in a drunken stupor. While I still think there were precautions he could have taken to avoid such a situation, and regardless of how truthful his story and others stories were, I do truly believe that after taking to him, he was genuinely guilty about what had happened and years later still loves his Girlfriend dearly.

    It's tough, especially since only you truly know your boyfriend and the situation. I personally have a pretty low tolerance for cheating so it be pretty hard to stay with me after cheating regardless of the circumstance, but I do feel there are some very very rare situations in which a pass should be granted.

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    • Funny how this is you telling a story about a cheater who got drunk and a woman fucked while he wasn't himself. What do you think people would call this if the genders were reverse?

    • It be called rape. I well aware the there is double standard here. Although I think part of it is that in situations such as this, guys don't necessarily view the females actions as criminal. They might not be happy about what occurred but I think due to the more limited psychological effects it might tend to have, the guys are more likely to just brush it off instead of pressing charges.

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What Guys Said 11

  • I commend you for taking him back, but ask yourself these questions.

    How long have you both been together and is he really worth giving another chance to cheat on you? Why did you stay with him? Do you not think cheating is a direct question of ones character and morals, and if not what about him is so amazing that makes you look past such a major step away from your relationship? Do you get angry when people say "once a cheater always a cheater" because deep down you know its true and do not want to face it.

    We all experience a relationship where someone cheats I think those who say they have no either have been the cheaters, won't admit it, or are just lairs. Such a "good person" does not commit such acts against someone he is with. If he was so shaken it was not probably because he genuinely cares it is probably because he wanted to either get back with her or he thought the grass was greener on the other side which we all know it is never the case.

    you are a smart girl I know you will do what needs to be done :)

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  • yes, once a cheater, always a cheater. There's a reason he cheated on you, there's something you LACK that he NEEDS. So therefore, when the need gets too much again, he'll probably stray again. Sorry but it's truly what I think.

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  • I take a hard line on cheating. I would dump him so fast and never look back. A cheater is a very selfish person and doesn't really care about your feelings. Its easy to say words, hard to back them up. If you really love someone, its not hard to be faithful to them. I used to think like you, that they made a mistake and they are sorry for it and won't do it again. I learned the hard way that it was no mistake, they meant to have sex with this other person, they are sorry that they got caught or have to pay the consequences for their actions, but not that they actually did it. Lastly, they will do it again, and the scary part is when they say I learned my lesson, that means next time they will do more to ensure they don't get caught. Run, before he does irreparable damage to your life.

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  • No one who has the urge to cheat will ever be able to control it, so the saying is true, once he has betrayed you, and you have taken him back, he will find it easier next time,x

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  • Once a cheater, always a cheater.

    My ex cheated on me with my best friend 2 months into our 3 year relationship. I didn't know about it until she told me one year before we broke up... I regret staying with her, but I didn't know about it.

    I'm expecting her to do the same with her current boyfriend.

    She left me and one week later was with this dude. Unbelievable.

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  • It looks bad,and you'd need to analyse the situaution that led to it.

    I've known people who have cheated once and then reformed.It can happen,and they're faithful after that.

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  • He will do it again. Has nothing to do with u. Guys cheat for something different , no emotion behind it.

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  • Chances are high. The way he will learn his lesson is if you leave him for it.

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  • No, since human beings are complex.

    But then I don't believe in morals, though cheating is wrong.

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  • Well I think cheating is a sign of a person's poor character. A person that cheats has a lack of morals and an inability to control their temptations.

    Can someone learn from their mistakes? Possibly. But the fact remains that they were unable to control their impulses and do the right thing when it mattered most. What's to say they won't do it again?

    Millions of people every day are able to control themselves and stay loyal to their significant other. Nobody has a good excuse to be in a relationship and cheat.

    If I found out that a girl cheated on someone, I would have a serious talk with them. I am 99% sure that they would be gone from my life for good afterwards.

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  • In my life, once a cheater has always meant they will cheat again. As much as I want to believe people won't...they will. I cheated on a long term girlfriend a few times - the reason? She forgave me once, so I could get away with it again. We ended up breaking up when she was actually dating someone on the side for about 2 years and I found out. I had seen them in pictures etc all the time, but she claimed they were just friends.

    Long story short, yes, in my opinion, if he cheats now, he will again. Maybe a few years down the road. Its up to you whether or not to accept this and love him anyway or find someone new

    Good luck!

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What Girls Said 9

  • No, I don't think "once a cheater always a cheater". People learn from their mistakes. If they're a habitual cheater, I wouldn't trust them. But if it was a one time thing that they regret, I'd give them a chance (but proceed with caution). That being said, if I were the one they cheated on (rather than them having cheated on an ex and told me about it) I don't think I could trust them again. The trust would be broken and I think I'd bring it up too often in spite.

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  • Good people don't willfully hurt people who love them. If he had any class or a heart, he would have the respect to end one relationship before crossing that line, not just with the ex, but also with you.

    Granted younger people do make mistakes, are you gonna sit there and happily put up with it for 10, 15 or 20 years until he grows up?

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  • I think this depends on what kind of person he is, what kind of person you are, how your relationship is working and everything else. It's not up to us to decide whether he will do it again. I think you should give him a chance, and if he cheats on you again, then it's up to you to decide if the relationshi is still worth it.

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  • he wasn't punished for his crime so yes he is capable of doing it again..u should have broke it off and made him jump through hoops to prove his love for u,all he had to turn on was the water works and he got away with it,not

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  • No I do not believe the once a cheater always a cheater thing. However, I do believe that if a girl lets a guy get away with it once, he is more likely to do it again.

    He needs to lose her for good to learn his lesson. This is not a for sure thing obviously and I am generalizing, you know him better than anyone so only you can decide which type he is.

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  • He learns by being a drama king he can get away with cheating.

    I have set deal breakers for myself. Cheating is on the top of that list.

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  • yes to me once a cheater always a cheater

    i will never trust and forgive anyone who hurt and betray my trust

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  • I think it is possible to make a mistake and then realize the extent of the damage you've done, the pain you caused and what you stand to lose. And for that realisation to be sufficient to stop you ever doing it again.

    But I think it takes a certain type of person - many are just sorry to have been found out, and have the viewpoint 'what they don't know won't hurt them'. Or they have too little self-control, or they value their hookups more highly than their relationship for whatever reason.

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  • The thing about cheaters is that they know at that moment they are cheating and continue with their actions anyway. Screw the "in the moment" crap. There's no magical fog that clouds the memory that they are in a relationship. They don't forget. They might repress but they don't forget. It shows lack of self control and selfishness. That's why people say they are probably going to do it again.

    Tears mean nothing. I have a friend who thought her boyfriend was truly sorry for his actions because he cried, which is out of character for him. He pleaded for her back and talked himself down. He bought her gifts... Then, he did the same thing again. It wasn't as extreme as the first time but nevertheless, he still betrayed her. Of course, there are always exceptions but do you really want to take the chance? It affects the relationship, even after you take them back. You probably will won't trust him the same way. You will be cautious about his whereabouts and the people he is talking to. After my friend got back together with her boyfriend, she became more of a jail warden than a girlfriend.

    He was a great guy too. Besides the fact that he was unfaithful, he was a good boyfriend. He's not going to be the only good person you meet though. There are good guys that are faithful.

    I do hope that he is one of those exceptions but water works and sadness isn't enough of a sign.

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