LONG - Domestic violence - Past & Present.

Back in 1995, I married a highly abusive man to which I was abused in every sense of the word for 13 years. Born of the marriage were a set of twin girls who are now 14 years old. To date, I have SOLE custody and access to the girls and have since 2010.

The period from 2007 (when I left) to about 2010 was an incredibly awful time as well. To NOT accept responsibility for what had transpired during that time would be, for a lack of a better word, a major sin.

I dealt with the fallout of a terrible marriage, an ongoing major depression where I slept most of the time. I held a job when I wasn't completely down and out, was penniless most of the time, a disgrace to my family and my kids. They spend most of their childhood in sheer terror, dependent on me, who basically "wasn't there". We moved often due to being found by my ex-husband. The transience was too much. They were much stronger than I and held things together as much as they could at a young age.

Yes, my parents helped out with the kids as did my sister. Not an emotionally tight-knit clan though. Councelling was frowned on. It was said time after time that I wasn't looking after the best interests of the kids...they could be taken away at any time. They never were and are with me to date.

Many times we didn't even have food in the house. I was a mess. In 2010, I was charged with a criminal offense (to which I received 18mths conditional discharge). No, it wasn't theft. My children were still not taken away. They suffered more than I though.

Currently, I am now remarried. My husband knows of the past and everything I had ever done. He still chose to marry me. While this is all great and fine for me, the kids are carrying around emotional baggage. The fallout is violent tendencies from the older twin and a callous and jaded younger twin who carries the weight of the world on her shoulders.

I asked both to write me an essay on the past, how it affected them and all that they could remember and how we can chart a new course. I received one essay last night from the younger one and my god, was it a serious kick in the *ss. That's fine. That's what I needed. She didn't hold back and regaled many events that basically explain her behaviour now. She wants to go to counselling. Of course, I will take her. The older twin, who is a compulsive liar, binge eater and now kleptomaniac will write but will not attend counselling. The older shows zero respect to my current husband. The younger does somewhat.

HOW in god's name do I help someone who doesn't want to be helped? I left her father years ago but am basically living with him again (by way of her behaviour at times).

I have told them repeatedly and tried to show it that I do love them to the world's end. What else can I do? I have apologized a million times for the past and have answered any and all questions surrounding it and will continue to do so if needed.

PLEASE HELP!
Updates:
**counselling was always an option for everyone and we did go on many occasions. The older of the two felt it was a waste of time. My husband is a fairly, "get to the point" kind of guy and wants to confront the older on money taken. I caught her by way of setting her up since I knew it was her anyway.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I can say the mother has a hardest job in the world when it comes to raise the kids into decent adults . I think there is much more to what your child is saying. It could be much worse than what you could ever imagine. The mind is the weakest part of the body. She needs to talk it out and not with you. All you can do is give the love and nothing but love...tough love is difficult...but a must. You would die if she grown up to meet a guy like her father...the odds are there. tough love.

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    • I feel you. Don't give in no matter how much your child hates you or anyone... it is her wall...her only defense

    • Thank you very much for that answer.

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What Guys Said 1

  • Women are generally thankless ingrates,and from what I've seen of teenage girls,they're no different and sometimes worse.It's not unusual for them to despise those who've made the greatest sacrifices for them,because it just wasn't "good enough" for them.

    I expect that your criminal offense somehow involved supporting your children,and was done for their benefit.

    You may just have to do what most men do:Learn to live with being despised because you only did everything you possibly could and sacrificed all you had.

    You can only tell them that you sacrificed everything you had,to save them from a much worse existence. Don't expect any thanks for that,and don't expect them to have respect for authority or your partner.

    The world owed them a living,and let them down.They learn that from television and the media,and also from their peer group.

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What Girls Said 1

  • A person has to want to help themselves before anyone else can help them. what I suggest is see if there is a person that is positive that influences her, that she would listen to. Use them as a "counselor" so to speak. If you can find an adult she trusts that can listen and explain the consequences of her actions, she might respond. As for you, you seem like a great mother, that loves and protects her kids. Your kids might not see that now, but when they are older I am sure they will. Don't worry, everything will be OK.

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