Back in 1995, I married a highly abusive man to which I was abused in every sense of the word for 13 years. Born of the marriage were a set of twin girls who are now 14 years old. To date, I have SOLE custody and access to the girls and have since 2010.
The period from 2007 (when I left) to about 2010 was an incredibly awful time as well. To NOT accept responsibility for what had transpired during that time would be, for a lack of a better word, a major sin.
I dealt with the fallout of a terrible marriage, an ongoing major depression where I slept most of the time. I held a job when I wasn't completely down and out, was penniless most of the time, a disgrace to my family and my kids. They spend most of their childhood in sheer terror, dependent on me, who basically "wasn't there". We moved often due to being found by my ex-husband. The transience was too much. They were much stronger than I and held things together as much as they could at a young age.
Yes, my parents helped out with the kids as did my sister. Not an emotionally tight-knit clan though. Councelling was frowned on. It was said time after time that I wasn't looking after the best interests of the kids...they could be taken away at any time. They never were and are with me to date.
Many times we didn't even have food in the house. I was a mess. In 2010, I was charged with a criminal offense (to which I received 18mths conditional discharge). No, it wasn't theft. My children were still not taken away. They suffered more than I though.
Currently, I am now remarried. My husband knows of the past and everything I had ever done. He still chose to marry me. While this is all great and fine for me, the kids are carrying around emotional baggage. The fallout is violent tendencies from the older twin and a callous and jaded younger twin who carries the weight of the world on her shoulders.
I asked both to write me an essay on the past, how it affected them and all that they could remember and how we can chart a new course. I received one essay last night from the younger one and my god, was it a serious kick in the *ss. That's fine. That's what I needed. She didn't hold back and regaled many events that basically explain her behaviour now. She wants to go to counselling. Of course, I will take her. The older twin, who is a compulsive liar, binge eater and now kleptomaniac will write but will not attend counselling. The older shows zero respect to my current husband. The younger does somewhat.
HOW in god's name do I help someone who doesn't want to be helped? I left her father years ago but am basically living with him again (by way of her behaviour at times).
I have told them repeatedly and tried to show it that I do love them to the world's end. What else can I do? I have apologized a million times for the past and have answered any and all questions surrounding it and will continue to do so if needed.
Most Helpful Guy
I can say the mother has a hardest job in the world when it comes to raise the kids into decent adults . I think there is much more to what your child is saying. It could be much worse than what you could ever imagine. The mind is the weakest part of the body. She needs to talk it out and not with you. All you can do is give the love and nothing but love...tough love is difficult...but a must. You would die if she grown up to meet a guy like her father...the odds are there. tough love.0