Feel like I understand her better then ever but she makes no sense at the same time?

My ex broke up with me almost 4 months ago. We have talked a lot after breaking up and eventually after 3 months she finally opened up to me completely, telling me things she never told anyone before.

To keep it simple, she never felt like she could be herself around people her entire life until she met me. She told me she felt safe and comfortable enough around me to be herself.

Yet I always thought she was holding a part of herself back. Which made me insecure and eventually caused me to distance myself from her and this lead to the break up. When it comes down to it we both weren't experienced enough to see what was going wrong and talking about things in time.

What I think is weird is that she was comfortable enough around me AFTER breaking up to open up this much to me. I feel like we're closer then ever and that if this happened sooner we'd still be together and happier then ever.

She seriously wants to be friends but I told her I couldn't do it because I still had feelings for her, and that we were too close if we became friends for me to get over her. She says she only loves me as a friend and that's why she won't give dating or anything another shot and I'm fine with that now but don't get how she can feel that way.

We have no contact now but I'm still bothered by the fact that after being together for two years she opened up after breaking up. We basically fixed things that were wrong but still aren't together.

I feel like I understand her better then ever, yet she doesn't make any sense to me at all.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Breakups suck. And I really know what it feels like when you breakup after a two year relationship. It sucks so much. But here's the fact: she only sees you as a friend, and she will NOT date again (you have stated this above). That is the problem. So when you say "we basically fixed things that were wrong", you really didn't. You can't change her feelings. Trust me, you can't. If you were together for two years and she says "I only see you as a friend", then this situation is hopeless. It didn't work in those two years, so you should be thinking that it probably won't EVER work. She has issues with her self esteem and confidence, so honestly, I don't feel like she was ever ready for a true relationship, and she won't be ready for one (we're talking a healthy relationship) with anyone until she fixes those things about herself. No matter how much you reassure her, or talk to her, or whatever. That could definitely be a part of why she feels like she "only wants to be friends", which is just a great way of saying "I don't want a relationship".

    On top of all this you said she made you feel insecure because of how you always thought she was holding a part of herself back, and then distanced yourself. This just proves that you weren't able to handle the pressure of a relatiosnhip, and specifically with her and the way she acted.

    That's something she'll remember. Always. "I can't be in a relationship with him because he distanced himself from me when he felt insecure about how I acted around him" That doesn't sound like a good relationship.

    When you're "friends" she can't scare you away, she can't "ruin" a relationship. People tend to see relationships as finite, so they're under a lot of pressure and filled with more fear than if you were in a friendship. Your more emotionally involved in a relationship, and less in a friendship. That's why she opened up to you after you broke up. She can spill the beans because there's nothing left to lose. As awful as that sounds. Relationships are on a higher pedestal and have a higher risk factor than friendships (or at least that's the mentality that people have). She doesn't want anything that comes with a relationship, other than the being open and sharing problems part. The therapeutic aspect.

    And you made the right choice. You can't just be friends after all that. One, as you said, you still had feelings for her. It would be painful. Also you just need to distance yourself from your ex when you break up. That's the best thing you can do.

    You guys were inexperienced, and it didn't work, and she doesn't want a relationship. This happens. And it sucks. But you learn from it, and you try to improve yourself so that the next time around you don't make the same mistakes, or you do something different so that the next relationship is much happier and more pleasant. There will be other relationships.

    Sorry this is not the best expression of thoughts; quite messy and scattered. But I hope this helps in some way.

    • The thing is, I really really wish I didn't love her romantically because I really really want to be friends with her because I think she would be a great friend. It sucks that it has to be this way but I also haven't forgiven her for not trying to talk about our problems sooner (she did apologize though). We were already looking for a place to live together and I never knew she was in pain because she kept it all in, never talking about it. That's why the break up hit me so hard.

    • I just hope time will fix this and then maybe after half a year or something. We can try to work it out as friends.

      I think your pretty much right about everything you said though. There are some things which might not apply to us but the core of things you said is right. thanks a lot :)

    • yeah, if you seriously want to be friends, there's always the future, but you need time and you need to not be interested in her. so good luck with that. and yeah sorry if this wasn't completely applicable to your situation. and no problem.

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What Girls Said 1

  • you need to let it go, she doesn't want you and someone will want you very much, not her so try to move on.


What Guys Said 1

  • Sometimes when the pressure is off, it's easy to be honest with people. She's telling you that she only likes you as a friend. She's not attracted to you romantically. Do with that information what you want, but I would not be hung up on her anymore.