My boyfriend is breaking up with me - Help!

We've been dating for 2 years and a half and during that time, the first 6 months were bliss. We met at Graduate school of arts and would love hanging out all the time. Then he suggested we move in together because he lived far away from school and me and so we did. I lived in the city and it was close to everything and everyone new he had met, but also it meant at the same time he was moving away from his home which was where his family and old friends were.

He didn't seem to mind as I was the centre of his happiness. Our days were filled with eating out, watching movies cuddled together and working on our computers in different rooms and hugging each other during the day for a few minutes then getting back to our work so that we could finish by 5pm and hang out and eat dinner and watch a movie together before bed. Then we started to have small fights were I would get really annoyed at him. Truth be told I was quite horrible sometimes but it would be only for a few minutes where I would get so mad and then it would go. The more this happened, the more he would get hurt. I took the time to see myself for what I was and decided to change. I no longer raised my voice, would use any swear words and I tried to let go of expectations. We started having major issue like this 8-9 months into the relationship. From then until now, we would break up for a day and then get back together because we missed ignoring each other all day at home. I think he decided to give us about 10 chances but he wouldt actually do anything different to stop the fights, he just wanted the fights to completely not happen and for me to let every tiny thing go (which sometimes I did not think were tiny) but now, he has had enough and is leaving for good. He says he's just not happy anymore and for the first time yesterday when I asked him how he felt for me, he said he loved me but he will never feel the same way he felt when he first met me. I hate that he seems so absolute and has started to look for places. I'm devastated because we are so good together like we both have the same humour and laugh at the same jokes and we both enjoy the same lifestyle (quiet nights in, occasional big nights out, family get togethers, catching up with our friends separately or together), we are best friends and tell each other everything, people say we are a lovely couple from what they see, I am very loving to him and less independent since I met him, but he's done fighting for us he says. He doesn't appear to be sad or clinging on to our relationship like I am. I don't want him to go but at the same time if he stayed I know we would end up fighting again, i.e I will get slightly annoyed and/or constantly ask him why he did what he did and that it wasn't nice etc which he hates. I have already booked therapy that addresses my destructive habits and issues so I can change, but he doesn't care:( Help me, I don't want to lose him! He said he wished it had would work but nothings going to change his mind
I sent him a text 3 days when he visited a friend saying the best thing for him is to stay away until he finds a place. It was a very mature text. He then quickly came the next day saying he had to pick up some clothes and go. He had a really immature attitude like very clipped answers to me until he saw I was behaving mature and then he changed back to nice. What's with the attitude? I thought whilst he's away he'd be thinking maturely but he was acting like he's so busy and needs to leave asap


Most Helpful Guy

  • The desire to stay together is normal, and the pain of breaking up is normal. You have developed a bond with him and, even though the relationship has hit its bumpy spots, you haven't had enough bad in it to break that bond. All of this is completely normal. Of course, even knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less and you have my empathy.

    The thing is, a solid relationship is really built on a lot of factors. Some are under your control and some are under his. And no matter how much you may want something, if it's out of your control (e.g. his views on the relationship), there's really nothing you can do. All you can do is admit your own faults and work to improve them. Hopefully, he can admit his, but even if he doesn't, it's not a competition. It's about looking at your own life and seeing what you can do to improve.

    As for him, it's hard to say for sure since we are just getting a single glimpse from a single side. But it may just be that he's one of those people that makes up his mind and is solid on it. There are lots of different personality types and some are just that way. When they are paired up with someone who isn't, each one can seem foreign and incomprehensible to the other.

    Right now, I'd just give it time and try to improve yourself. Be respectful of one another, even if it doesn't work out. And if it doesn't, be happy that you had some great times together and realize that not every relationship is destined to last forever. It took me a long time to realize that myself. I wish you a faster education.

    • Really? this is my first time 'alkymist333' so I haven't had that experience of learning. I'm just scared I guess that ill never find anyone who made me feel so happy and safe and at easy like him. But I just feel he gave up and his best friend doesn't give him positive advice about what to do about us (as he's very negative) and so he has made that decision with influence. He told me I don't get angry like I used to anymore, its just the constant questioning and scolding, I didn't realize :(

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What Guys Said 3

  • You are great in that you want to work on yourself and on your relationship. I consider love to be an art where you actually do get better if you put effort in it.

    Truth be told, it really appears that your ex-boyfriend's mind is set. You probably have to give him some space right now, and take it from there. I wish you all the best.

    • Thanks Kooper, it's so hard to come to the realisation, it's like I have to accept a death because their not coming back and I have to move on;(

  • In Graduate school of the arts did they not teach you how to write properly

    • i wrote that title because I'm not exactly going to mention the exact school we met at. Your comment is not even relevant or funny right now, I'm not in the mode, feeling really down:(

    • You're right...I'm sorry. Understand that a relationship needs to be both parties at 100% and if his heart isn't in it, it is unfair for you. Breaking up sucks, as soon as you accept it, you can start to move on. Good luck.

  • From the looks of it, he seems already cheeked out. :(

    Sorry and good luck


What Girls Said 3

  • There is only one way any couple can really know one another and that is by shacking up, and by doing this, there are going to be problems. Although things can start out like that in a fairytale book, in between the pages, there are going to be times where things are just too close for comfort, and it sounds as though you are the one throwing a "bad magic wand" into the "comfort zone", sweetie. With all of the anger, harsh words, small break ups, nagging (on your part)and incessant royal battles that lately seem to outweigh the good times and memories and things you both once shared, honey bunny has just had it and wants out. And it would be better to just let him leave for awhile, get his head together and give him some space, rather than cling on to him like an octopus, which, with the anger and resentment he is feeling right now, may push him further away. If he needs to leave awhile and sort things out, then let him go. He may be calling it "breaking up," but I think, in time, he will be back. Right now, if he continues to stay, just having you both in the same room, may drum up even more drama. That is why he is appearing not sad or clinging on like you want him to, he is just way too disgusted and angry and filled with disgust right now. Many times in a relationship, a woman loses her independence and becomes clingy and needy, and this also is turning him off, on top of all the other draining drama in the house. With all the history you both share, and it does sound like there were beautiful moments, much in common, the perfect "cuddle buddle" couple, perhaps YOU BOTH need a break from one another,(together too much is not healthy),some much needed space to breath, and being you are going to therapy to address your problems to help you change, with time and thinking, he probably will miss you and all the memories and come back and want to give you another chance. Sometimes "absence makes the heart grow fonder", and I think this is what you both need. If you really do love this man, and DON'T want to lose him, you really need to make a difference...or just let him go and find someone who will.

    • Yes, I have sent him a text saying its better if he stays away from me until he can collect his things. That I need to move on (Ive never spoken like this). It's hell being in limbo together at home so this is probably better for me. I know I'd never take him back if he came back as that's not my style, a break up is forever if he moves out, the trust is gone. I do think he desperately needs to clear his head, but I just wish he'd say that instead of saying how absolute he is about leaving me.

    • Okay, give him some time, give yourself some time, as I have said...Perhaps it is too soon for "firm decisions," don't be too hasty. It is still new yet, this "alone time". When he does come by to "collect his things", find out if he has "collect his thoughts", and find out how he feels then--and how you are then feeling. Communication, calm, cool and collected his always better. Find out if it is a "stay--or a nay." Good luck, sweetie.

    • I just saw your other comment about y"your mature text"...I think he likes this...Keep at it...see where things go...

  • Alright sweetie, here's the deal-

    You can't change, not really, while you're still in a relationship. And the change won't be genuine unless you do it for you, not for him and not to save the relationship. You need to step back, let him go, don't talk to him, don't contact him, just take some time to yourself to fix yourself. You need to sort out why you're doing the things you do and change them, but only if you want to, only if it would make you happier. Don't do it to win him back, that's bullshit and that's no change at all, that's just further affixing a dependence on him, and he won't like that.

    The chances he'll come back are slim to none. I'm lucky, and I thank my stars every day that my ex took me back. But I didn't talk to him at all for four months. And I worked hard. I worked harder than I could ever tell you. I wrote in a journal 3-4 times a day, every time I didn't something I didn't like I wrote it down and talked it out to myself. I set goals about what I wanted to change and I gave myself rules to follow that would help me change them. But I did it for me. I did it because I didn't love myself anymore and everyone could see it. So everyone could see that I wasn't doing it for him I was doing it for me and that drew him to me again. And the real change, the real shift in my person also shown through.

    It's not impossible it's just improbable. What it takes is a promise to be friends but you need time right now and take that time. Don't text him, Facebook him, Facebook about him, call him, talk about him to people. Just let him go and move on and make yourself a better person because that's what you deserve. He probably won't change his mind- my ex said he wouldn't but I got lucky and he did, most don't. So again don't go riding into this because he'll totally change his mind. But if you can become a better person and you can be fully over him... maybe he'll see what he saw before. But you can't hang out with him and talk about how you used to be, you can't talk yourself up to him or his friends, you can't be clingy, you can't do any stupid subtle bullshit to try and lure him back. YOu need to go into the new start as friends with the knowledge, the certainty that it won't work. Period.

    That's all a lot harder than it sounds but if you can pull it off who knows... I'd say change for you and let him go, you weren't meant to be if you didn't last.

    • Hey,

      I agree with a lot that you said, and I definitely agree that I have to change for me and not for me, its just hard I guess because I'm turning 29 and I keep freaking out constantly that this is not where I wanted to be in life. I wanted to be married with to my best friend:( But I don't want to be sad or angry. The only thing I wanted to ask you, you said remain friends, but I fear if I tell him that, he'll not do any thinking cos he'll think Ill always be there for him and available.

    • Show All
    • Being just friends gives you a chance to step back, restart the connection with each other and remember WHY you got together in the first place, WHY you were attracted to each other. It's like a restart button.

    • Oh I see, yeah that makes a lot of sense. Thanks for clearing that up. It did sound like you took the proper and positive steps towards a reconciliation.

  • His minds made up so at least he's been upfront about that and not torturing you with half truths and platitudes. It's great you want to improve yourself and that will help a lot. But in all honesty if your boyfriend wants to never fight ever he'd have to be dating a robot. That's not possible. I'm sorry take the lessons you learnt with you

    • Thanks Jade4, I know, he has confrontation issues. Before we dated, I heard him say to someone in class 'I hate confrontation' and I remember thinking 'wimp' but then I ended up falling in love with him only to see he really meant it, he cannot take an ounce of confrontation and so, anytime a problem arises, he runs to bandaid it with 'I'm sorry' and it just makes it worse, because it doesn't make sense hearing 'I'm sorry' all the time and not talking about what happened. Thanks for your feedback.

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