A good girl gone bad. Can I trust men again?

I was married for 4 years to a man who constantly cheated on me. I forgave him time after time and even tried to ignore his cheating ways. I was still in love with him, he put me through college and helped me build my career and I'm really thankful for that but I hate him for constantly cheating. Now after a very bitter divorce I'm back on the dating scene and men approach me all the time but I don't trust them. I go on dates but I don't get my feelings involved, I move on after a few dates because I can't take them seriously. There's one guy who won't give up on me, and I think I like him but I'm not really for sure, I can't trust my own feelings. He's been through a divorce also and we talk about everything under the sun. We've been talking for two months and I want to have sex with him, I love our chemistry, but I'm too scared. I have the urge to leave him alone and disappear like I do the rest but I cant. He even sent me flowers and a nice letter expressing his feelings on my BDAY last week and wanted to take me to dinner but I made up an excuse why I couldn't go. He left a sweet voicemail expressing how much he miss me and that I can take all the time in the world, and this makes me want him more but at the same time it makes me want to run away even more. I'm so confused. I haven't talk to him since my BDAY but I want to talk to him but I can't find the courage to call. Please help! How do I get over this trust thing? Could he be the one? I'm afraid if I give him a try I will end up cheating before he cheats on me, I need help!
Updates:
Ok, so I took everybody advice. I called him and explained to him that I like him but I want to take things slow. He totally understood and invited me to brunch this Friday and I accepted. We've been talking every night on the phone since I called him back and not once do he ask about my ex and I like that. I also decided to do counseling to help me work out my trust issues. Thanks everybody for the advice. I appreciate it! XOXO

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Try to remember that your mistake wasn't trusting your husband initially. It was overlooking the fact that he wasn't actually changing after he cheated. Its nice to think that we can magically learn to spot 'good people' vs 'bad people' and only trust good people and never be hurt.

    Well life doesn't work that way. And building a big shell around yourself is no way to be happy.

    Instead, like I said, recognize that you will trust people, and some of them will disappoint you, and what you need to do is trust that you WILL cope with life's disappointments, but you will also be more willing then you were before to get OUT of a relationship that's bad.

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What Guys Said 5

  • Take small steps. Entrust him with little, but important personal things and allow him to prove himself. Over time you'll start finding it easier to entrust him with increasingly important things. The trick is to do things you're scared to do, but not too scared, which in time will make the even scarier things less scary. You've suffered serious emotional wounds, and it'll take a while for them to heal. It will be scary and difficult road, but it'll be worth it in the end.

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  • This trust thing may just take time. If it seems like it isn't getting any better (or if it's taking too long for your taste) I'd encourage you to talk to a professional, and help the process a long.

    In the meantime, I'd tell your friend exactly what you told us here, so he knows what's up.

    Hang in there - life is good!

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  • It just tends to show you're not ready to date seriously yet.

    Also, the guy seems to be too much into you for such an early stage. It might be problematic.

    But if the guy is sincerely really into you, you should maybe have a talk with him, expressing your concerns.

    I know that once bitten, twice shy, but if you don't take any risk, you won't get anything.

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  • how long has it been since your divorce?

    I've been in relationship where I've been cheated on and I think those are the most difficult relationship to move on from and really be able to healthily date other people. It's hard to overcome the trust issues that cheating engenders. It's hard not to look at the other sex and just assume that they will ultimately (regardless of how well intentioned they are) cheat on you again.

    I think that your thing with this guy sounds good but you really just might not be in a position or ready to date again and in that case I wouldn't. For me I know I waited years before I felt like I could date someone new without having reservations or concerns... but to overcome mistrust you have to constantly remind yourself that one man's (person's) actions shouldn't mean you can't trust someone else. Everyone is different and need to treated differently...but again when you'v been repeatedly cheated on it can be hard to remember this

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  • You could try being rational. Why don't you read up on human behavior? The reason you didn't suspect your husband of cheating is because you didn't know any better. You didn't know what signs to look for. You thought all guys are good.

    Now you're on the other end. You think that all men are bad.

    Instead you should try gauge behavior and integrity based on observations. Go read a book about sociopaths. You should notice that your "boyfriend" has none of those characteristics. Then you can allow yourself to fall in love from a rational perspective.

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What Girls Said 1

  • Ok hun, you asked for advice so here it goes...LET GO OF THE PAST! That's the first thing you have to do. You MUST forgive your ex husband, not for him but for you and your future. I know how it is to give everything to a man just to get fucked in the end but you can't make the new man suffer because your ex was a cheating jerk. This guy really likes you, flowers and a letter about his feelins for you? Men are not romantic like that anymore, he is trying to sweep you off your feet, and women would love to meet a man like that. You should maybe get a little counseling to work out your trust issues. Call this guy! Go on a lunch date, go to a movie. Don't keep him waiting forever.

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