Breaking up vs Talking?

Me and my ex weren't doing too well for a while. We had a really good talk one day and things were looking up. I knew what was bothering her and was gonna try my best making up. I was away for the weekend but when I got back I had flowers and chocolate with me for her but when she came home she broke up with me.

It came as a huge shock to me. We were together for two years and we only had a serious talk about us twice and those were initiated by me because I didn't like how she didn't trust me completely. Of course I've also thought about breaking up but I didn't because we had something good going so I talked about it instead. We were even looking for a house to live in together before breaking up.

I feel like her breaking up like this is really unfair and lacks respect. On the other hand I know it's for the best. I know how she feels now and I can find someone who is more open about stuff bothering her.

I still don't really get why she didn't talk about things bothering her before... isn't that normal in a relationship? Talk and work out your problems instead of running away from them?

I have the feeling this will get back at her in the future. She's too closed off to people.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • It's better to have found out NOW how she really feels, then to have moved into together, lock, stock and barrel, and had the problems follow you. Everything in life happens for a reason, and apparently, sweetie, it was meant for you to get away for a weekend and when you did, "girlie poo" did some soul searching, giving her some TIME and SPACE to find out how she really felt and what she really wanted to do. Just because two people are together a long time, doesn't mean there are not going to be problems, and that it "can't happen to you." And it seems in that two years, things would have changed for the best. I'm sorry to see you were shot down with flowers and chocolates before you could even "make it up to her." I do think you both lacked communication, and it doesn't help to have a partner, I agree, who "is not more open about stuff bothering her." In essence, she probably WANTED to be frank with you about a lot of things, about what she was feeling and what she really wanted, but never had the nerve to do it. Perhaps when you went away, it gave her the time--and the courage--to finally say something. Maybe it seems "unfair", but she did give you the "respect" when she finally was able to be honest with you. Move on...She doesn't want a relationship anymore with you or anyone else..Sounds like, after two years, she just wants to "find herself". Be friends, and find someone who wants what you want----a real relationship with honesty and above all, communication. There is someone out there for you who will not only welcome flowers and chocolates, but "your way with words" as well. Good luck.

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    • Thanks, she doesn't want a relationship with anyone atm as you say. I've been doing some soul searching myself. I actually have some trust issues and stuff which I didn't see before so it's great to be able to work on that.

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    • Disagree that "it's better to have found out NOW how she really feels". Because it is clearly too late for them now.

      If she had just communicated her feelings with him before breaking up, it could have been so more beneficial.

      More girls (and guys) should realize this, that communication is VITAL. Even more so about difficult things.

    • Thanks darkfoxjj. That's how I feel and I've told her a few times that she can talk with me. My actions gave her the idea she couldn't though. So it's indeed gone wrong because of misunderstanding and lack of experience (our first longer relationship) and communication.

      I've asked her to come over for a talk and she didn't even hesitate to say yes. I want to talk because even though I'm not sure if I want to be friends, there are some things that need clarification on both sides to be fair.

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What Girls Said 1

  • It sounds like she is closed off, and probably needs to work on herself before she can really be with some one. You sound like you're handling it well. Wish her the best, but move on and you'll find a great girl who can be more open with you. It's all about recognizing what you need in a relationship and being strong enough to end one that isn't giving you what you need, and you sound like you're recognizing that so good job!

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What Guys Said 2

  • the fact that you have different ways of dealing with issues is pretty much a sign that you guys just shouldn't be with each other. Some people like to get everything out asap and fix the issue at hand ( like yourself ), some like to just go off and have some time to themselves (like her). Let her worry about how she lives, now you go find someone who matches what you believe in.

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    • I'm sorry but relationships always consists of making compromises because you love each other. I don't agree to your view on this. You might deal with things differently but that doesn't mean you have to shut each other out completely towards anothers feelings.

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    • I never said huge compromises. But there are little things you can do to make a relationship work and if you don't do these things they end up being bigger issues which can cause a break up. It's not as black and white as you say it is.

    • It is black and white to me. I've had the relationships, I've done the "little" compromises thing. Looking back at it now, I realize that those were the beginning of the end in the relationships. That's why now I don't look to change the person, I look for someone that I can accept both the good and the bad. That's what I believe truly loving someone is. NOT shaping them into what you wish they would be.

  • It's very common actually, and sadly there's very little you can do about it. I agree that the most mature and considerate way is to talk things through with the other person. It gives a lot more closure and makes things a lot easier to accept.

    People don't though, because they're afraid of feeling guilty, of admitting their own mistakes, of taking responsibility, and they use excuses based on invented "rules" on how to deal with relationships and break-ups to feel good about doing such a bad thing. The consequences are that it'll be hard, often impossible, to be friends with them again, and that you're left do deal with your pain on your own.

    All you can really do is acknowledge this and try not to make the same mistake yourself one day when you have to break up with someone.

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    • It is my belief that communication during hard times is even more important than during the good times. Because this is the time where miscommunication has a huge impact.

      I have broken up because of misunderstandings before and it's really annoying if the other just wants to 'run away' to save her feelings.

      Of course she is thinking 'it's the best thing for me to do, I don't want to get hurt'. But if she'd just talk, there would be such happiness in these instances. And they don't realize.

    • Exactly. That's why it's such a terrible thing that people have invented this "no-contact rule". People use it as a way to justify running away either from the responsibility of helping the so-called 'dumpee' or from confrontation with the truth that it really is over.

      In the first case it can even be so bad that when the dumpee makes efforts to talk they can actually be accused of being the bad guy. Can you imagine? People tell themselves a lie and suddenly they feel absolved from all guilt.

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