Did I do the right thing? Standing up to my ex?

My ex and I both attend the same UNI & have the same circle of friends...We're both 20th. We dated for a year and 1/2 and we both loved one another... things ended in May of 2013 because of stress with finals, trying to find ourselves and slight arguments which weren't huge, but were definitely caused by the stress of college and finding time.

after that we both went no contact... I found out he got into a long distance relationship 3 months after we broke up and that lasted till Dec 29th. This caused a lot of tension between him and I because his girlfriend at that moment in time tried to start drama and he began to ignore me when we started our fall semester and pretended that I didn't exist when I went out of my way to be friendly and nice.

Around the mid December, he asked if we could talk and spoke to me for 3 hours & apologized for the way he's been treating me, apologized for the things he did that caused our arguments in our relationship, that he still has feelings for me, misses me, & he has a lot of maturing to do & would like to maybe try things again in the future. I told him that though I still care for him, we need to be friends first and nothing can happen between us while he his girlfriend.

so he texts me on new years day and tells me that he is single , has been thinking about me, misses me, thinks about us getting back together & hopes that things can work out between us. I got very hopeful & continued to text him for the past two weeks till I noticed that he as acting oddly. My friend had to tell me that he's been flirting with his best friend & that him & her are now in a relationship during the same time he was talking and flirting with me. she saw all this because she is friends with him on twitter

I was upset by this and sent him this text message on Tuesday

"I apologize for being upfront, I'm not trying to be harsh but I deserve to know the truth and to be respected. I will not get hurt by you for the second time. I care about you, but you have my emotions up in arms. this is unfair to me. I would like to be friends... but I can't live on false hope from you"

he replies "you are right. its not fair to you. and the last thing I want to do is hurt you.i just want to let you know that yes I have been thinking about you during the holiday season and let you know I still care about you. the last thing I want to do is hurt you. I think the best thing for the both of us right now is to maintain a friendship."

it's not that he's in another relationship so soon after his last... that upsets me... its that he flirted with me and essentially lead me on thinking that maybe he wants to get back together with me that really hurt me...

Updates:
so I replied, "things can be civil between us, but I'm not going to hand out my friendship to you freely. you want to be friends with me? you have to make that effort on your own and earn my friendship. as right now, I do not trust you. you have put me through too much ****, you ignored me, lead me on,& I can't be friend with someone who can so carelessly play with me.


he replied: "i understand and respect it"

we're both at school now and I've seen him quite often. and I say hello and am genuine but its like he doesn't want to be around me. my friend said he looks like a 'sad and scolded puppy'.


i just feel so guilty and bad for saying that... did I do the right thing? I really would like to be friends, but there's really nothing I can do... unless he was willing to be friends with me... iknow I should let this go... but I miss him... terribly...


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Sweetie, stay friends..you are far better off. He obviously doesn't know what he wants, who he wants, and will come to you on a rebound from another rebound and the pattern will start---and continue. You are seeing this for yourself. He enjoys playing the field, and not only that, he is sporadic, unpredictable, and if you let him, will keep "playing you" and---on your heart strings. Don't feel guilty for anything you say to him at this point. You have done nothing but live on "false hope and empty promises". He is not capable of holding down a relationship anymore. You are right. It's not fair to you that he leads you on, then drops the "flirt act" as soon as something or someone else comes along, or he suddenly gets "cold feet". Yes, maintain a friendship, stay civil, and stay friends with no benefits.

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What Guys Said 3

  • I say you were right. There's no reason to let him trample over your emotions and feelings. I'm sure it was a relief to get that off your chest when you told him so kudos to you.

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    • do you think he will make the effort to be friends with me again? or is it really just a loss cause?

    • It's hard to say. If he has any respect for you then hopefully he is willing to earn his way back into your life with friendship. I'm not sure what he'll do but all you really can do I guess is wait and see how things plan out

  • I think you did the right thing. You don't have to let someone walk on you, and you deserve respect.

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  • God forbid I get a girl like you to go out with me pshhh

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What Girls Said 4

  • Of course you did the right thing. Like who the freak flirts with their ex while in a relationship with their best friend? Not only did he screw you over, he screwed over his bestfriend/gf. And he doesn't sound serious about being your friend, since he's practically ignored you since you started running into each other again.

    I guess the only thing to do is sit back and wait to see what he does next-if he flirts with you again run away. Maybe he'll work hard and make an effort to be friends, but even if he did, he's already ruined his credibility. People like that rarely change themselves into trustworthy people later on. It sucks that you miss him, but those feelings are normal and can (mostly) only go away with time. On the bright side, you can use this time to focus on yourself and figure out more of what you want in a friend/boyfriend.

    also, I find it rather annoying that he was all like "you're right, its not fair, so on and so forth" AFTER you confronted him. Like he's all accommodating, but he's really not or he would've just told you in the first place!

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  • u did the right thing, he is a douche bag, he probably lead you on at the same time as he lead the othert girl on and chose her,YOU don't need friends like that.Find a REAL man

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  • Don't worry about it. If I'd told a guy I wasn't interested because he was in a relationship and then he got a new relationship and flirted with me at the same time, I wouldn't have been so nice. At the end if the day he's an adult and responsible for his own actions. I would be civil but other than that ignore him since you can't trust him. Tell your friend you don't want to be told unnecessary information about him, who knows your friend might have thought he looked sad and he was deciding what to have for lunch, or sad cause his girlfriend dumped him. You did not create this situation he did, giving you a choice to say that's not OK or get walked all over. It's not like you put nasty posters all over campus or something, all you did was say what he was doing was not acceptable or respectful

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  • You were ABSOLUTELY right! Every woman that respects herself would have done the same thing! It was very mature that you put some boundaries about how people should treat you! You know how they should treat you and you claim it! Now about your ex it seems that he doesn't know what he wants, you had a serious relationship and now he treats you like crap (a backup option). About the friendship relationship I beleive that you are wasting your time. Let be serious! Can you really see him as a friend! Don't do that to yourself waiting him to do a move! Move with your life and now in uni you can find somebody that really cares about you and not only in words but also in actions!There are plenty of guys out there that can make you happy! This guy belongs to your past.. now it is time to see the future! Don't lower your standards and get involve in a situation that is beneath you! Good Luck!

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