** Need insight into an ex-boyfriend, Please Help! ** Ex-Text/Calling/Emails

Background: I am currently 36 and my ex-boyfriend is 32, we were in a relationship for 3 years. We had mutual "real life" friends but we actually met online. We talked online, on the phone and via video chats for 6 months until we finally met in person.

My ex has issues, as everyone does, because no one is perfect. I neither asked for nor wanted perfection. He has PTSD and alcoholism which includes a DUI/DWI (he denies this, but he drinks 6-7 nights a week, as well as during the day and spends generally at least $50-200 or more a day drinking- so yeah alcoholism).

I knew I had feelings for him before we actually met in person, and I hadn't ever been one to believe in love at first sight, but I can honestly say that my heart knew I loved him the instant we met. It took my brain another month or so to catch up. We were compatible in evey single way. Spiritually, Religiously, Intellectually and Physically/Sexually, etc ad nauseum.

Due to being 750 miles apart, we would meet halfway and spend 2-3 days together a month, other times he would come to where I live and spend 1-2 weeks or I would go to where he lives and spend 1-2 weeks. I am a nurse and I decided to return to school to obtain an advanced degree but did not graduate as planned. After graduation I was supposed to relocate so that we could "be together and have a normal relationship". I was the one relocating because I live in a small town and he lives in one of the largest cities in the US - where there are more job opportunities for my profession.

When I didn't graduate as planned, he was understandably upset, but behaved like a complete a$$, blaming me - as if I chose to have academic issues. He became somewhat emotionally distant afterward and started drinking even more. I begged/explained to him why he should and needed to seek counseling/help for his issues.

I said although one may need assistance regarding things in one's life that it doesn't mean that the person is damaged or flawed. It just means sometimes someone may need help in dealing with the issue. He refused to seek help. I broke up with him despite being very much in love with him (still am). I contacted him a month later and we ended up getting back together, I proposed he accepted. Which was totally unplanned on my part btw.

2 months later he broke up with me stating he wasn't happy, he wanted to go his own way and that he couldn't pretend anymore. He asked me to leave things at that. I thought he was going through a mood. 2 hours later I called one time and texted one time. That was 3 months ago. I have not contacted him in any form since.

He has texted/called sporadically over the last 3 months. He hurt me beyond belief, yet I still love him. He has not said he wants back together. He has not said that he loves me since we were together.

I made him some "romantic coupons" during the relationship - Tuesday he texted asking to redeem one. Today he said he had a dream about me.

I love him but I'm afraid to get sucked back in.
He usually sends an average of 1-5 texts a week and has been calling every 2 days up until January.

He asked me to leave things at that and did not answer when I called/texted on the day of the break up - so I "left things at that".

I don't know if he's trying to play mind games or if this is his attempt at reconciliation.

He was never physically abusive, but he was somewhat manipulative (due to his PTSD/Alcoholism) and emotionally distant.

I did meet his family and friends, he met mine.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Well, it seems clear that you BOTH have strong feelings for one another. He was probably hurt and ashamed when you told him that he had a problem and should seek help so he lashed back at you (having seen you saying that as an attack/hurt/shaming). What I would suggest, since you both clearly care about one another is couple's counseling. If he truly means as much to you as you make it sound I would highly suggest OFFERING to go with him for BOTH of you. He's far less likely to see that as an attack, and when people have problems such as alcoholism and P.T.S.D., it can be EXTREMELY difficult so much as to admit that one has a problem much less seek help ALONE.

    Support with something like that may be beneficial to both helping with his issue AND with strengthening the bond between the two of you. It sounds like he wants you back, but may just be too hurt or prideful/wanting to avoid admitting/showing his shame regarding missing you and KNOWING he was at fault.

    Psychologically, most guys GENERALLY don't like admitting when they are wrong or that they have a problem, it makes us feel weak when society has taught us that we are supposed to be strong and capable, we're supposed to suck everything up and put it away. Some things are worth fighting for, especially when it comes to GOOD relationships, they require A LOT of work and fighting and putting up with crap that you otherwise wouldn't. Ask yourself is he worth it?

    I really do wish you both the best and hope you two can reconcile your differences, and in case you were wondering what foundation my advice has, I was a psychology major and have an avid fascination with aspects of psychology as well as sociology in fact I still read up on theories and what not in my spare time and I did receive a degree for it before changing majors to computer science.

    • Thank you so much!

      I actually did offer to go with him, I suggested that we seek couples therapy.

      I stated that if he wouldn't or couldn't openly discuss things with me (as a lot of veterans won't discuss with a partner), that he should at least TALK to someone because it CAN help, and it doesn't mean there is anything "wrong" with him.

      His response was "Hell no, I don't have a problem and I'd never talk about it with someone if I did because that means I'm weak and I'm not weak."

    • Show All
    • because we are weak. Even if women tell us that they DON'T think of us as being weak for needing help with something, even an addiction or something, it doesn't take how we feel away. We're more likely to do things if we believe we are doing it for our woman and because SHE tells us that THAT is strength. I am glad you agreed with what I have said and I take no credit for it, for I know wisdom comes from the LORD, not from my own heart or tongue. I pray he speaks to your heart and helps you.

    • Jane, I am sorry, but I am not quite sure what you are saying. If you are asking something I would love to be able to help. If you are expressing personal testimonial I would like to read the whole story, I pray all is well with you.

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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 2

  • I am sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar situation and they don't change. Since They don't have anyone they feel lonley and that's the only time they think about us. But as soon as you go back he will get what he wants sex..And then he will tell you that he has to think about it that he is confused and he doesn't no what he wants..JUST IGNOR HIM. THAT WAY HE IS THE ONLY CRAZY ONE. IF NOT YOU WILL ALSO BE CRAZY BECAUSE OF THE YO YO BACK AND FOURTH DRAMA HE WILL PUT YOU THRU...

  • This is a difficult situation, I think if he doesn't change then you should move on.

    • Should I continue to not respond to his calls/texts/emails?

      Despite that I'm still in love with him and love him very much, if he wanted any chance at reconciliation - it's going to take bigger/more meaningful action than a mere text message/phone call/email. (Show Up)

      It seems like I was the only one trying to facilitate our relationship working and being healthy.

      I know all of this, yet I still love him and am in love with him even though I haven't communicated with him since the break-up.

    • I think you should have a deep convo with him tell him that you love him, but you can't be together with someone who has so many problems with himself, tell him again that he should seek professional help because I don't think he can just stop drinking by himself, I'm sure someone should help him. If he really loves you and don't want to lose you then I'm sure he will decide to change for you and it's not just because of you he should also change for his own self too. Good luck

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