What's the right way to call up an Ex?

The only woman I ever truly loved broke up with me nearly 3 years ago. I have dated many other girls since then, and had a few relationships but Laura is the only one I ever really wanted, and I think about her and dream about her daily.

We both share some unique interests and perspectives, and she is drop-dead gorgeous but I heard from a mutual friend that she is single now, as I sort of expected because all though I'm sure lots of guys hit on her, she also had the sort of personality that drives men away ( fickle, preachy, stubborn, shopaholic). I am wondering now if maybe she has changed some with these other guys being practice. She dumped me because she said I was condescending, and because I lied about where I was from when we first met. Most of the time I didn't mean to come across that way, but I can understand why I do now, and make a conscious effort not to.

So here's my chance. I want to call her up. I know she's lonely, but I know her first instinct will be to hang up. In the past if there was an issue she wouldn't hear me out, she'd just run, or just grumble and pretend to listen. I do think we have a lot in common and could have a great future, if I can have just one shot I know she'd see this right away but her first instinct will be hatred and distrust. I want her to approach this with an open mind, just to see what happens but I am scared because if I don't get it right the first time I can't keep calling!

Is there anything I can say to disarm her, get her to relax a bit? Anyone have any positive stories about reconciling with exes? How did they bring up the idea of dating again? What made you reconsider? What would scare you away?


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  • I don't have experience reconnecting with an ex but I'll put out some thoughts. I would guess that there is something to your fears. If she is very stubborn, she probably will not give up her past perceptions of you readily. I think you are letting your fantasies run away with you if you hope that all these negative qualities would have gotten better. While possible, it's very uncommon. You should assume none of these have changed. They could even get worse. Do you still feel the same way about her if she is the same way as before? Have you really changed enough that the inevitable conflicts would not end in another breakup? You need to convince yourself about that before you can convince her.

    After weighing all these things you still want to go forward and put aside your reactions to her issues, then there is still the question of contacting her. I've read many questions about people who were contacted by an ex who told them they missed them. This is a mild way to say you are interested which probably won't scare her off. It's vague though. If she is open to talk to you about what that means you are in a position to let on more of what you feel. If she doesn't care whether you miss her or not, you probably had little hope of breaking through no matter what you said.