Question about contacting exes to get closure.

How do you feel about contacting ex partners from a long time ago to make closure in a peaceful way, long after the relationship ended?

An old girlfriend I hadn't heard from in 6 years called and left a voice message for me one day. I was shocked to hear her voice. We had a bad falling out many years ago and nasty things were said. It took me a couple days to think about it, but I returned her call and she was thrilled to hear back from me. We had a good talk, and although we had gone our separate ways for good, I'm glad we made closure.

This makes me want to reach out and contact another girlfriend I had who I still had feelings for long after the nasty break-up. Some told me this girl actually regretted breaking up with me the way she did way back when.

Problem is I fear I might tear open healed wounds by contacting her again. That was part of the reason it took me a few days to think a about returning the other girl's phonecall.

How would you feel if an ex contacted you for closure a long time after the break-up?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I used to fight and fight for closure immediately after breakups which of course never went well, but after a long amount of time, if the wounds are genuinely healed, a simple conversation isn't going to rip them open again. I had a very tumultous breakup years ago and had to contact ex about a practical matter, and his shitty response just sort of ruined my day but that was it. I don't have any lack of closure I just hate him lol.

    I've had two guys contact me years later and apologize for disappearing or being a dick or whatever, and by then it just felt really nice. I was beyond over it so there was just one little conversation and that was it. I'm sure they may have worried that I was going to try to get them back or something but that wasn't even an issue.

    I think it depends, if you are looking to get any kind of apology or explanation FROM her you're starting a tense discussion and that also means you're not completely healed (because you're still hurting and needing something to feel better about the breakup). If you're looking to GIVE an apology or explanation, then unless she's a complete sociopath I can't see it going horribly, and you'll feel better. I've felt better when I've apologized, whether or not they accept it. But again, if you're trying to get an explanation etc from her be prepared for it to not go well, she could get defensive, deny regretting stuff, or who knows what else. Do your best to put yourself in the calmest undramatic state of mind before talking to her, and if it does start to get argumentative or anything, simply refuse to play into it. Good luck!

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What Girls Said 5

  • I would feel shocked. I'm not as fortunate to have a good ending in my endings of relationships.

    that is the luck of the draw I suppose. if it did happen to me, I would handle it like a business exchange, or something at work that I just need to get over and done.

    there should be no feelings left. I probably would be short and sweet, nothing, no give. Once I make my decision, that's it.

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  • I have been broken up with my ex for about 8 months. I contacted for closure twice, the first time I tried to just be friends. The second time I emailed him a month ago apologising how things ended between us and hoped he was now happy. I never heard from him, and I know he has moved on because he got a new girlfriend a month after we broke up, but I found closure, because I felt I had done all I could. It was actually irrelevant whether or not he responded because I had apologised and it was his business whether he chose to forgive and reconcile. Guess he hates me still :S.

    Anyway, I think it depends on how long ago it was. If it was like a year ago, then yeah I would go for it, if longer it may be a bit strange, but it seemed to go well with that girl, so yeah give it a go. if they don't reply, at least you can say you tried.

    It takes two to tango and two to reconcile.

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  • Assuming I was over them then yeah it'd be great and I would have a lot more respect for them. But in this case, I wouldn't risk telling her until you know she's head over heels about someone else. You could always try "the unsent letter" where you write it all down and don't send it, burn it afterward or dispose of it in another way. Seeking out exes for answers (if you did want any answers) doesn't always turn out the way you think it will, you can often end up having more questions than answers in the end, as was the case for me.

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    • plus I forgot to mention that they might not give you the true honest answers you were looking for and might try to keep you in limbo as a backup option for when their next relationship fails.

  • As long as your not giving any indication of hooking up again it's all good

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  • '' Problem is I fear I might tear open healed wounds by contacting her again ''

    There is your answer, that is your gut feeling telling you not to do it.

    Sometimes this really isn't the best thing to do.

    I would feel odd if someone contacted me for closure after a long time.

    I don't think I would like it.

    I think you should go with what feels like the right thing to do, but in this instance.

    I think you should accept it for what it is and move on. Especially as there are still feelings, it may make the situation in to a bad one for you.

    You already know she regrets how she broke up with you and that might be a slight comfort.

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What Guys Said 4

  • I couldn't say for certain how I'd feel because I've never fully had closure with my relationships. I think in a way, ending things without a peaceful closure makes me feel guilty and it eats at me, I don't want to get back together, but I feel bad about how things ended and I probably will feel bad about it until I fix it.

    I think what your ex did was inspiring and I'd like to do the same... thanks :)

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  • I would say go for it. I did this with one of my exes (my longest relationship to date). We dated in high school for a couple years and after the break up we didn't contact each other for nearly four years. I was surprised at how much she had "grown up" and how attractive she became, honestly. The feeling was mutual I guess, considering we were all over each other that night. It felt great, honestly. We cleared up any confusions we had, explained our positions to each other, and had one last go at things. We actually have remained close friends, giving relationship advice and what not, as well. So take what you will from that. I think it's worth it!

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  • Don't bother because you are living in the past .

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  • In my experience most women are kind of selfish about this sort of thing. They don't much care whether you get closure or not just so long as they get away from you...

    You can tell a lot about a person by the way they choose to end their relationships.

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