What to do when a guy doesn't make any effort?

This guy almost left me but then turned around and said that he wants to date me again (hes an ex) and he still cares about me. I asked him just last night and he says he still cares a lot and wants to be with me again but "can not be affectionate 100% of the time".. he has not been affectionate or reassuring at ALL. He puts in no effort lately and I tried asking him about it and he didn't really care, he just got annoyed.

What do I do? I love him and he is usually VERY invested and makes it clear he loves me, too. But lately it's like he's emotionally detached or something. I've tried talking to him and I keep putting in effort and its just making me depressed because no matter what I've tried for the past few days, he still acts distant and says "he's acting normal"..

Im not sure how to fix this. Should I just distance MY self from it? And if he doesn't turn it around end things because I can't take it?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • This is a though call. Seeing as you were getting back together with your ex, I'm going to go on a hunch and say that he missed the concept of being in a relationship, which is a poor reason to get back together with someone. I don't think love would involve breaking up as a solution to a couple's problem; wouldn't that instead involve a couple working towards resolving issues while still being together? I know you really want things to work out with this person, but my advice is that in the short term you should probably tell him up front exactly how you're feeling. If he's unwilling to change or you're unwilling to settle for less than "100% affection" then you should break up and probably have no contact, so you don't end up in the endless on again off again spiral. But again, no one has all the information but you, so only you know what is best for yourself.

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What Guys Said 4

  • Considering you seem to ask this basic question a LOT of "He usually treats me right and cares but lately he isn't caring at all and being such a dick" I think he is actually a good boyfriend VERY rarely, and you focus on that and don't realize that he NORMALLY is distant and detatched and a bad boyfriend to you. Leave him for good this time.

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  • Honestly, some guys are just like that. It's just part of their personality. I've dated women like that too. There's nothing you can do. Really, you just have to decide if you can handle being with, dating, or marrying (potentially) someone that is not affectionate. We cannot change people. All we can do is decide if we are OK with who they are.

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  • He'll end up leaving you if you don't leave him. It doesn't matter what he says right now. He's probably getting sex out of the deal, so he's sticking around. I've been that guy before. He'll eventually get tired. Leave him.

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  • "But lately it's like he's emotionally detached or something"

    Probably has something to do with the fact that you got into arguments, broke up, then chased him down to get back together. But I'm open for correction on that.

    When you've been asking the same questions about the same situation for the last few months and are listening to exactly ZERO of it, I'd say that in about another week this question will come up again on here in different wording.

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What Girls Said 2

  • What was the reason that he almost left you? I'm curious because it sounds like perhaps this problem may not have been solved and him staying with you might just be a band aid solution for the time being.

    Usually when a guy is interested in you and invested in the relationship, he does what he can to keep it. That means stepping out of the comfort zone, even if he's not an affectionate guy, he would try to be affectionate for you at times to keep you happy.

    Now, you also have to be considerate of his feelings too. If he's not an affectionate guy by nature then you have to be understanding to that as well and not expect affection all the time.

    It could also be that he defines being affectionate one way and you define affectionate in a totally different way. You need to make it clear to him what you need.

    It's really hard at this point to say what the problem truly is, but sounds to me like there is a communication breakdown.

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  • Dump him. If your man ain't treating you right don't put up with it. You can do better.

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    • If you were familiar with her extensive posting history about this relationship you'd know that's not the case. By her own admission, she drove him away with the way she treated him and said some pretty terrible things (and I think her family ganged up on him too, IIRC), then she convinced him to come back. I'm sure he's second guessing his decision to come back and is hesitant to open up to her again.

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