#LoveYourself
VALENTINE'S DAY

Should I leave or not?

Ok. So I am dating a girl and she has this friend (male co worker). They've had sex before and she insists they are just friends now and nothing more or less. She tells me she loves me and so on.

Anyway, this guy like her and I know it, but she says she wants me so it doesn't matter. So on Valentine's Day this guy sent her some roses to work marked as anonymous. I knew who it was right off the bat, but she acted as though she didn't and when she found out she was like he's just my friend. Friend does things like that. And was babbling about how her mother had male friends to do similar things in the past.

I never liked this guy because he would call or text at certain times of the night when we're hanging out. She would let me read the messages, but still. It's the principle. So I have basically been letting a lot slide.

After the roses thing I was very pissed and told her to make sure she tells him to not text or call her unless it's work related and before a certain time. So now she is telling me that she had a conversation with him and told him how I felt disrespected and so on.. And saying, she loves me and this and that and the other. She assured me it wouldn't happen again and if it did then I would have a reason to come with an ultimatum. I have had it. I'm sick and tired of letting things slide. I gave her a choice, either what I said about the only work related contact thing or lose me and she has stayed firm to not do it. So I guess we're not going to be together.

I want to know am I overreacting? Should I breakup with her for this thing? I dealt with the nighttime phone calls and text and she knows I never liked it. And now the roses thing.

So should I stick to my guns and breakup with her or not?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • There are a few things you need to consider here... First of all, respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy. Anyone who robs you of the joy in your heart is not a friend. So with that being said, I would still stick it out with this girl, She is not the problem, that guy is. But, if she does not realize that this bothers you, that it frustrates you, that it is a kick to the junk of your manhood, she is not your friend either. Women know how to send the back-off signal to guys, if she doesn't send that signal out early and often for you, what kind of friend is that? You can play it cool, be confident that she is telling you the truth and that will actually set her mind at ease, but it will also open the door for any guy to come on in and chat her up when ever you're not around. You can be the best guy around but eventually that girl is going to find someone better than you if you don't implement some kind of agreement. Here you go, buy yourself some flowers, have the chick at the store write the card out to you. Leave them out in your house for her to see, when she asks... "Oh, just a friend from work, you know..." Watch how the double standard does not work for her.

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    • Great answer. I love how you broke it down. You basically touched on everything I've been wanting to say but just couldn't find the words.

    • I'm in a very similar situation. The thing is you can't allow someone to affect how you value yourself and what your equal position is. Always remember..."A true friend would understand where I am coming from and would be conscious of my feelings." If she is not conscious of your feelings and the fact she had sex with this guy really makes it so easy... It's not a crime for you ask her not to have contact with dude, but it's a control move that is the last act of a desperate man

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What Girls Said 3

  • No guy that's "just a friend" or only wants a "platonic friend relationship :) " would send a girl Roses for Valentines day, seriously, no normal guy would for a "friend". In my opinion you have every right to be pissed off about it, you've told her that it makes you uncomfortable that his guy is texting/calling her all the time and if she really cared she would understand that it doesn't make you feel good and would CHANGE it. That's the thing, if you tell someone you care about and like that something is bothering you than they should try to fix or alleviate your discomfort. I think that she will most likely repeat the same thing over and over again, her male co-worker who was more than friends with her before is not going away. Why should you have to put up with that? I'm not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't do but think about it this way, if the roles were reversed, what would you do? You sound like a nice guy, and I'm pretty sure that you'd do whatever it took to make her feel comfortable and let her know that she is the only one, so... think about that.

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    • You're absolutely right. I feed her that whole role reverse thing all of the time and she says how she wouldn't feel good about certain things. So you have a point. I'm really on the fence though because I am fed up. And yes, I feel like I'm a great guy. She tells me I am and how she wants to marry me one day but she sure doesn't act like it at times. Choosing a friendship of this magnitude over a guy you say you want to marry someday just doesn't add up to me.

    • My Mom tells me this all the time when I talk to her about relationships. She always tells me that love is not only a feeling it is an expression, it's not enough to hear someone tell you that they love you, you see it through their actions.

    • You're right. If this means anything as far as expressing, she did make it a must to hang out with me the Thursday before Valentine's Day even though she was sick. We had to hang out because she was going to be working all day on Valentine's and when she gets off I'm usually going to work. And while her gifts were simple, they were things that I expressed that I liked at some point in time. So I don't know if I'm overreacting or if I have a legitimate gripe. I know I wouldn't do her like this.

  • I can't say you're overreacting as much as you're letting your insecurities get the best of you.

    Although it's fair enough for you to be upset over what this guy is doing, it's not your place to tell her who she's allowed to interact with. No really, what makes you think it's OK to tell her what to do?

    From what you told, it looks like she's completely transparent about this guy, she's not hiding anything from you and even letting you read the texts. Also, it's not exactly within her power to control what this guy does. If he decides to send her flowers, what exactly can she do to prevent that? Delivery guy is given an address - delivery guy delivers to where he was paid to do so.

    BUT

    Even though nothing seems to be going on, it looks like she enjoys the attention. This is her insecurities creeping up. She LIKES having two men waltz around her, she ENJOYS the fact that you're upset over this guy liking her and that another man is adamantly after her while knowing she's in a relationship. She has no intention of stopping this, because it's feeding her ever hungry ego.

    This is your girlfriend, essentially:

    "OH MY GAWD, two men are fighting over MEEE." link

    I would suggest calmly calling her out on this and telling her you will no longer be a source for her power trip. Although she can't physically stop that other guy from coming onto her, she can still make it pretty clear to him that she's not interested. Even persistent guys know when to back off, if you tell them to properly.

    But never EVER tell your lover that they're "not allowed" to talk to someone - this is the 21st century, she is not your property and you have no right to order her around. If you find her behaviour unacceptable and talking things through doesn't work, then you're free to leave and find a partner, who has more respect for your feelings.

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  • Leave her. You deserve better

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What Guys Said 3

  • Okay, so you can break up with her, but you have to accept that it is because you can't deal with the insecurity and not because of something she did. That being said, that is a legitimate reason to be worried and be upset. From what you have described she knows that he has feelings for her and enjoys his advances, this is NOT saying that she is returning anything but could only be on the receiving end. If you do want to stay together you need to make sure that she makes it very clear to him that she knows how he feels about her and that she doesn't feel the same and that he needs to cut the crap. Friends is one thing, but this is obviously something different. At this point breaking up is up to you, but honestly no one would blame you as long as you don't accuse her of anything without the proof

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    • True. She has even acknowledged that he likes her, but tells me she wants me and it doesn't matter because I'm who she wants. So I don't know. I'm fed up and after letting so much slide, I think it's time I finally put my foot down and leave it. Before, I would say things and then back off.

  • It's obviously something your not comfortable with. I'd consider ending it. There's nothing Wrong with her having a guy friend(s) but this dude is over stepping his bounds.

    Ask yourself, do you trust her to not contact him? Or is she doing it behind your back?

    If you do find her talking to him at all than 100% end it. If you don't than it's still your call. Is this a girl you want to invest your time and possibly your or with?

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  • Don't ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend. Didn't Biz Markie teach you anything? Break up immediately. You've been a sucker all along.

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    • I get what you are saying, but I don't think I've necessary been a sucker. I basically walked away from her a while back because I didn't agree with some of her actions (as a friend) but she practically begged me back (not boasting or anything, just saying). Then we decided to be together after a while. I think she knows and understands that I want her, but definitely don't need her.

    • I think you let her go.

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