Should I leave my alcoholic boyfriend or hold out and hope things will get better?

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. We get along great most of the time, but he drinks more than I see ok. He's an alcoholic in my book. Goes to the bar about 4-5 days a week, spent about $500+ at the bar last month, he blackouts and I'm enemy number one when he's like that. But when he's sober things are great. But I'm ready to settle down, getting married and start a family and he says he's not out of his party stage yet. Mind you we are both 28 years old. So when is enough, enough? Do I hold on in hopes that he'll grow out of it or do I leave?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I am so sorry that u have to live with an addict. But the fact remains that YOU ARE NOT HIS NUMBER 1. Alcohol is. 5 years is a looooong time to not come above all else. Unfortunately he has not hit his bottom and he won't realize how serious the situation, and u are, until he loses u. And honestly losing u might not be his bottom especially since I'm sure he knows that it's causing issues in ur relationship. U said it urself he's not done partying but u want to settle down IMHO that right there tells u all u need to know. Ur in love with the thought of the man u once knew. And it is exceptionally difficult when u have so much time invested in someone. You've got to stop beating around the bush, as well as babying the situation, bc as long as ur willing to accept this behavior he'll be willing to take advantage of ur love and generosity. And there's only so much ur going to tolerate before u resent urself for allowing him to tread on u.

    I've dealt with addiction and I've watched addiction tear families apart. Whether it's drugs, sex/p*rn, gambling, alcohol. It's all the same - just chasing that high or excitement. But one thing is for absolute certain u cannot control the actions, or the outcome of another person's decisions. Ultimately he's going to have to want to stop on his own terms.

    My suggestion to u is find some al-anon meetings around Ur area, or outside ur area if u live in a small town. Al-anon is different than AA. It's for the friends and family of alcoholics. There u can listen to different stories of how they cope with a loved one with an addiction, as well as gain support without being judged (by ur fam & friends). It's the best thing u can do right now if ur not ready to give ur man an ultimatum, or even if u are, these groups can help u find the strength to do so.

    I hope everything works out for u hun. Best of luck and I'll be praying for u both.
    Luv
    Rosie

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    • Thank you

    • Ur welcome sweetheart. If u ever need to reach out PM me anytime

    • Or if u follow me I'll send u my google+ and email so u can have a direct line to someone who identifies with ur situation and can give u a helpful perspective

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What Guys Said 5

  • You've been with him for five years and he's "not ready to give up his party stage"? You're "enemy number one" when he's drunk? Is this the kind of relationship you want to dedicate the rest of your life to? These things tell me that the alcohol is more important to him than you are. Have you discussed this with him before? You know what you want from the relationship. If he's not willing to adjust his behavior for your good and that of your children, I wouldn't hold out for too long.

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    • I have discuss it with him and he does change for about a week then goes right back into it.

  • Get out.

    He's not showing any signs of wanting to change. he might stop drinking, he might double his drinking. There's no reason to think he's going to necessarily change -in the way you hope-.

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  • You two are at different paths in your relationship. Don't settle for anything than the best as you deserve to have the best I life. You deserve to be with someone that wants to marry you as that is what you want so you deserve that. He is doing nothing but drinking and until he gets help he more than likely will do nothing but keep on drinking. I hope he gets the help he needs soon and I hope you can find the strength and courage to move on to someone that deserves you as he clearly doesn't deserve to be with you.

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  • It never gets better. Unless there is some serious counselling involved.

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  • Don t hope he ll stop drinking

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What Girls Said 7

  • How long has this been going on? Going to the bar more days than he's at home, getting black outs, wasted, ... How does he combine this with work and your relationship? How do the discussions go when you talk to him about it?

    Maybe you should be clear. Choose yourself. If this behaviour continues, what future will you have? Probably one where you have to work (because he blows his money on alcohol), watch the kids if you have them (because he's in the bar), making doctor's appointments (his liver won't be too happy with his lifestyle either) and some nights you'll cry yourself to sleep. Sorry if I sound rude or harsh, but that's how I see it. I don't have any problem with going out and party, drinking a bit, having fun. But what's the fun if you're so wasted you can't remember any of it? I suggest you let him know it's time to get out of it. You don't need a guy like that. So let him know that he needs to quit that habit or he'll lose you. Chances are he won't take it seriously. Do not give in when he doesn't quit. Choose yourself in this situation. What I would do is: talk to him about it and let him know I'm leaving if this doesn't change. If he changes, good, I'll help him through. If he doesn't, I'm out.

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    • This has been getting worse within the past couple years. He has a wonderful job and it never interferes with his work. He never drinks before work. It's always after. He says his job is stressful and the bar is his way of winding down from the busy day

    • I know you know this, but there are plenty of other ways to unwind after a busy stressful day. How do the talks go when you have them? I would talk to him, again, just one last time and let him know that, if he doesn't change this, that's it for you two.

  • Leave, he is definitely not husband material. Most people in this age have already like gotten the partying out of their system.

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  • Don't gamble your precious youth on a hope that an alcoholic will miraculously recover.

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  • That's a long time to cope with an alcoholic. Time to find someone new and sober too.

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  • Ok so I met my husband at a bar, after that we started dating. It wasn't a real serious relationship for the first few months, we continued to party, drink and be crazy. One night about 8ish months into our relationship, we were at a bar (like usual) and we left the bar (dumb idea) and he got pulled over and got a DUI. So after that night we both agreed to stop drinking, and we both did for 5 years. BUT fast forward to 2013, I found out a bunch of his secrets (not involving alcohol) and so we separated and things got bad for me because I was homeless and ugh just bad, so I began drinking and bar hoping like before. Then I heard that my husband was also drinking, long story short (kinda) we decided to patch things up and get back together. Well since June 2013, he has drank almost every single day since, he only stopped for maybe 2 or 3 days because we had no money. I won't claim to be innocent I do drink sometimes, but not to the extent that I used to or to the point of being blackout drunk. He continues the same pattern every single day, weekend, and month. If I were you I would leave, if you want to settle down with him then you will end up feeling like I do every day. Believe me it is not the way to live your only life, I know its going to hurt like hell but it will be so so worth it when you look back and realize what you got away from. I wish you the best of luck. :-)

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  • He needs a wake up call! Cause he's probably cheating on you if he has his "blackouts". We can't tell anyone on earth what to do, everything is their own decision, but no one deserves being held on a leash, it's going to be super hard, but you should leave him, break all contact. If he comes back after he decided that he's an asshole, then you know he realy loves you and you should forget about everything, never mention it in a fight. And if he doesn't, never ever contact him again, because then he doesn't love you anymore and this part is horrible. Because I don't think there's any worse pain than the pain of a heart. But you have to push through cause you're not getting younger and it seems like this fucker doesn't care cause hel just get a 21year old when he turns 60 and decides he wants kids. Men thinks all things are possible you know! But you won't know what is going to happen if you don't pull yourself away from him a while and see how he reacts.

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  • If he is an alcoholic, there is no 'growing' out of that stage. Does he admit he has a problem? The thing about being an alcoholic, is that he can't do it for you, or for anyone else, he can only change when HE wants to change for HIMSELF. That day may never come. I suggest you talk to him about it and get a sense of how he perceives his addiction. Alanon is a great service, for loved ones of addicts, if you need someone to talk to.

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    • He probably doesn't even identify himself as an alcoholic if all he thinks he's doing is partying. Ur right her best bet is al-anon so she can learn her own coping mechanisms and what to do in her tailored situation.

    • He admits to being an alcoholic. Says he'd like to stop but doesn't want help. But when he says he's going to slow down he does great for and a week then goes right back to the habit

    • There is no slowing down, it will always snowball back to as bad as it was before. Recognizing he has a problem is the first step. Once an addict, you're an addict for life. Addiction literally changes your brain chemistry. For him to overcome his adiction, would mean quiting for life.

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