How do I step away from the friend-zone, and walk away for good, but in a polite way?

i met this guy, dan, and our friendship quickly heated up into a "monogamous relationship" that collapsed when i (out of politeness) asked dan if it was ok with him that i go as a plus one with a close male friend to said male friend's brother's wedding. dan said no and ended up over thinking it. dan had an epic freak out in his head (within the following days) because he felt like me asking him about the wedding made things in the relationship escalate very quickly. i also felt in those days that dan was treating me like a convenience.
i brought things up with dan and we both decided things were done. he couldnt give me what i wanted. so i was surprised when the next following days he started texting me like a boyfriend would (goodmorning/goodnight). i called him out on his behavior and asked if he still liked me, and he did.
i put my foot down and said to dan that i was not going to be just a friend and i was also not going to be someone he has hanging around as an option. i thought that settled things but it didn't.
i went in person to dan's house to explain he had to make a choice and he wasn't prepared to, so i walked out.
we have hung out a few times since that night, but i feel like he's putting me in the friend zone and i still have strong feelings for him.
I've also recognized him bring up his ex wife (divorced 6mo ago) in conversations.

i dont want to be "just friends" with dan (i want more) and so i need to step away. it's become clear that he is not willing to give me anything more than friendship, and i'm feeling like im losing my dignity as he considers us "somewhere between friends and dating".

i would like to leave his life in a polite way that makes him think twice about how he handled the situation with me. i've always been honest with him, i just dont know how to politely say "i can't be your friend" and leave him wanting more. so, how do i do that?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Dan got divorced 6 MONTHS ago, that is NOT a lot of time. He really shouldn't probably even be dating anyone seriously yet (why do you think all these problems are arising with him being unsure about things?). You don't like that she gets brought up in conversations. . . once again, it was only 6 months ago! Of course he's going to talk about her, he's still getting over her and his marriage!

    You sounnd like a really nice person but I think you should quit being so worried about how he'll 'take it' if you tell him you don't want to be friends. He's certainly not being overly concerned about your well being, now is he? Just tell him you've enjoyed getting to know him but you aren't looking for new friendships and you're more interested in dating new people, than being stuck in linbo next to him. Honesty is the best policy. Then walk away and MEAN IT.

    You told him once you were done, then kept hanging out with him! That tells him that you don't follow through and he'll lose respect for you, and will push you as far as he can get away with.

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    • you're right. it was a bad divorce, and he says he's over it, did the rebound thing and all, but things suggest otherwise (like him bringing her up, still having pics of them together on his fb).
      i don't want to be a B**ch bc he truly is a nice guy, but you're right, i have to walk away and mean it. i'm scared in a way because i dont want to lose the chance of dating him in the future but at the same time, i dont want to wait around for him... and i know i can't have it both ways.
      i guess i'm scared. nice guys dont come around that often, but you're right, he's not being very concerned at all with my feelings. I've never been in this position, where i cut off a friendship thing so it's new territory for me.

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What Guys Said 1

  • You cannot. It is better to focus on yourself and less on him in such situations; you are still geared towards him, leaving him to achieve some emotional reaction within him, and are effectively forsaking your own well-being in the process. It may seem the opposite but the entirety of your language suggests that instead of trying to save yourself you're just trying to throw yourself out an emotional window.

    Leave and let it be. You're doing more damage to yourself here than you realize.

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What Girls Said 1

  • I don't really think it's necessary to be "polite" about it. I'm not saying you should cause drama, but it just seems near impossible to be polite about cutting off contact with someone you had feelings and a "relationship" with. You're just going to have to do it, because he obviously doesn't know what he wants and maintaining contact will just make you go crazy.

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