Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Just...why?

I have been with my boyfriend for two years. We live together and have been been planning our future together. He is a musician and has been working on cruise ships on and off for the last year but he has quit that now as he he hates being away from me. I know he loves me and I very much love him and want nothing more than the future we had planned together.

HOWEVER!!! He is currently away for the week. He told me that a group he met on the cruise are hosting a week long party and have asked him to play. They wouldn't pay him but would pay for his flights, accommodation, food etc. There was something about this didn't quite ring true with me and I asked him many times what he was really going away for, telling him outright I didn't believe him. He stuck to the story and the more details he gave the more it sounded plausible. I left him to the airport the other morning, without his guitar which immediately rang alarm bells again.

Yesterday, I was doing some work on the computer and his Facebook was logged in. I have never snooped before but I couldn't help myself. Glad I did! It turns out that he is spending this week with a woman he met on the cruise, who is 15 years older than him, married and obviously rich...she's paying for everything. The messages between them were REALLY hard to read. Very sexual. I am beyond devastated. Obviously he doesn't know I know yet or that when he gets back on Friday all his belongings will be packed and we're done.

Outside of all those details, my question is really this...WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why would he plan this week with her? Why would he lie so blatantly to me? Why give up his job for me only to jepeordize our relationship? What is he getting from this (apart from the obvious. That makes me feel sick)? I feel like a complete fool. He's a jealous person. Now I know why!!! Does he actually love me? I said I know he does but does he just think he does? We're not exactly kids here. Why plan a life with me?

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  • I feel sorry for you.I know it leaves a bad taste in your mouth.I've been there.It might take a couple of years before the taste really wears off (if you've known him 2 years).
    Be thankful he didn't wait until you were married to do this shit.Don't look for a reason;they don't need a reason.I've noted that those who are most jealous and untrusting are the ones who can't be trusted (they imagine others are as trustworthy as them).

    He probably figured he could have his cake and eat it too.The greed tempted him.Most men wouldn't take on that position (15 years older, and almost over the hill) for any amount of money.I don't think I've banged a woman older than me (10 or even 20+ years younger, yes).

    If that's tempted him, he's likely to be tempted again in other situations.I can only say that he's a dick-head, and is very likely to regret his actions.I wouldn't like to be his age and shacked up with a 55 or 60 year old.The future doesn't look bright;not for any amount of money.

    In any case, even if she was your age, it's a lousy thing to do.Money is replacable, some things aren't.
    Stay well.Eat healthy (even add a vitamin supplement), and exercise will help relieve the tension.Don't just sit around feeling sorry.I'm sure you'll do better, soon enough.

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    • I'm not sure if this is the start of a relationship with this woman (she's married 20 plus years, kids, grand kids etc) or just some sordid affair. It obviously doesn't matter either way in terms of outcome. I'm just at a loss right now as to how to feel. I alternate between complete anger to total sadness. I keep thinking of all the things we had planned. I guess that's part of the 'grieving' process though. I'm not sure it matters anymore whether he thinks he loves me or not...he doesn't love me in the right way.

      I'm just struggling with the fact that he's allowed us to build a life together, become a part of my family, allowed me to become a part of his (we go and stay with his mum all the time, I've been on family holidays, I'm a part of his two kids lives, we spent Christmas all together) but yet can so successfully hide a secret life!!! I know I need to stop going over all this in my head before I drive myself insane but I feel like a fool.

      Thank you for your kindness.

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What Guys Said 10

  • Wow, firstly, I am terribly sorry that you had to experience such a dreadful experience.. :(

    I don't know how to put it nicely, so I will come out and say it, he is a player, and knows how to manipulate women. He either does not love you or he has a very distorted view of love.

    A man that loves his women shouldn't EVEN LOOK at another girl for a second. When I was with my ex, the thought of sexual relations with another girl didn't even cross my mind, which is a shock to me.. When I am single they happen all the time.

    Love is supposed to change a person, but that does not sound like the case here. I want to tell you to move on, but I know it isn't that easy. You will have a long road ahead of you filled with pain and tears, but in time, it will get better.. Time is the only thing that can make it better. One day you will meet someone that ACTUALLY loves you, and would never lie to you, or use you, and you will totally forget this fool that clearly doesn't appreciate you.

    I am very upset right now, because I know many guys my age that do not stick to their girl, and simply do not understand love. They don't understand the meaning of it, and don't care how their decisions effect others. Some girls are the same way though, my ex left me for another man, lied to me, etc. We weren't together very long, but it was long enough for the love to change me, and it took the duration of the relationship x6 to get over her.

    So again, I am very sorry, not sure what else to say. Stay strong, and move forward. Dump his sorry a** and don't listen to his excuses.

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    • I agree with you completely. I am totally devoted and loyal to him because I truly love him. Your comment about him maybe having a very distorted view of love stopped me in my tracks!! I think that's it. Without going into details here he had a very bizarre childhood which has left him feeling very insecure and unworthy of being loved. He is aware of this and has said in the past that he knows/can feel that I love him and that's it's different from how he ever thought love would feel, he's not used to that kind of love. I guess those feelings decided to become self-sabotaging, manipulative actions!! Maybe it's a weird test - how much do I actually love him? Either way, that's not a love I want to be involved in. I wish this was a mistake. I truly want our life together. This hurts so bad. But at least there's a chance of my experiencing love again. I'm not sure he's capable.

      Thank you for your kindness.

  • Some guys can separate love from sex in their mind. Seems he loves you, that rich older woman is married, so he probably figured out it wouldn't end up affecting your relationship and he could have some fun with no "real" consequence.

    Some people don't think. They can't help themselves. People who cheat do it over and over, just like people who gamble or drink all the time.

    There is no reason.

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  • the better question is what do you plan to do?

    he's selfish, cowardly, probably insecure, not especially thoughtful and doesn't seem to exhibit much self control or pragmatism. it seems that he tends to give in to his baser needs rather than thinking through things practically.

    but again the better question is what do you plan to do?

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  • No, he does not love you. There are no "I love you, but.." You cannot say I love you but I am not in love with you. well then you were never in love. When you love someone that person is family. You do not treat family this way. I feel so bad for you. All the questions I have from 25 years with the same women. Finding out she never loved me, that more then half my life was a lie.
    I can't give you answers. unfortunately it will be very painful. You have to get to the point where you decide and realize he can only continue to hurt you if you allow him to continue to hurt you. then you will be able to move on.
    I feel so bad for you..I wish I could help more.

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    • In thinking it through since posting this, I've decided it doesn't matter whether he actually loves me or not...he doesn't love me in the way I want/deserve to be loved. It is so painful though!!! And I'll have to come to terms with never fully knowing the answers to my questions. Thank you for your kindness.

  • He did it because he could get away from his regular life. Obviously, the lady is rich, and thus, he thinks I scored with a sugar momma. Technically, he's a loser with nothing going on with a life, and he's trying to hold on to a "dream" of making it as a musician. Of course, he feel dissatisfied with his life; what do people do when they are dissatisfied? They run.

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    • That makes a lot of sense, thank you. He certainly is dissatisfied with where his life is at at the minute. He's just started an exciting new project but it's not moving fast enough for him. And he wants to do so much that we either haven't got the money or the time for!!!

  • Sometimes guys especially young ones tend to think with the wrong head. I personally think no one should get married or serious with anyone till they are about 30. By that time most of their youthfull lusts and desires are tamed

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  • When people do the bad things you say, it's called not believing in God.

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    • I thank you for your comment, although I struggle to agree with you. My dad was a Christian minister and still managed to cheat in my mum, so I don't think belief in God has anything to do with it. I do think it's a lack of a solid moral system.

    • Yeah? like I said!..."When people do the bad things you say, it's called not believing in God."

      A lack of morals and a belief in God is contradicting especially when you're a minister. I Christian minister that cheats on his wife... that's insanity! I pretty much tell my mom, "why go to church? You have the Holy Bible right here at home to read."

  • I am really sorry that happened. I haven't had a girlfriend since 6th grade so i don't know what i would do in a situation like that.

    Whether he loves you or not, i have no idea.

    Best of luck

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  • Because

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  • Some guys will cheat if they think they can get away with it.
    Some guys will cheat if they aren't getting something from their gf that they can get from someone else.

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What Girls Said 7

  • Maybe he didn’t leave his job for you. Maybe as you said she is rich so if he quit it must’ve been something to see with her money. I’m so sorry to hear this. He could’ve seen her as an easy way to getting money, or he just simply liked her. Don’t think too hard about it, wait for him to get back and when he does ask him yourself. Tell him there is no going back now but you want to know the truth, see what he says he might as well be honest with you.

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  • He must really like money. He could've lied and said that they are going to pay him a descent amount. It might have made you less suspicious.
    I think he is cheating because he wants the money and wants it all for himself. You definitely need to dump him. He is basically selling himself. He is a "refined"male prostitute.

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  • are you ONE HUNDRED PERCENT sure he QUIT? or did he just tell you he quit? maybe he was fired? and he just told you he quit because it was a good romantic move? and I'm so incredibly sorry that he did that to you. that's so sh*tty. I would go on his Facebook and message that woman (on HIS account) and say "I see you're having a fun time with my boyfriend. make sure he knows that all his stuff is packed and in the shed (or just outside) and waiting for him."

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    • I do actually know he quit. I've seen the emails. His contract on that ship came to an end. He's been offered further work out there but has turned it down. He also relocated to my city. He's from about five hours away from me!!!

      I did actually think about doing that :) But in my panic after reading his stuff I accidentally logged out of his account. But I was thinking a message from my account would be equally as effective!!! Or...I wasn't going to say anything, pick him up on Friday from the airport as planned but have all his stuff sitting outside when we get back, have the locks changed and head inside before he works out what's going on!!! Oh the options!!! :) I'm just so angry right now.

      Thank you for your reply.

  • Girl I would put my pump [shoe) up. His associated and. Still. Have his stuff on the curb

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  • @hasrett

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  • I'm so sorry this happened : (

    It's hard to say why he did what he did. If you were planning a future together, I'm sure he really does love you, but is acting on impulse and attractions with this woman and is obviously not thinking of how much of a complete jerk he's being.

    Needless to say, I don't think you should be there when he gets back. If you can find an alternate place to stay, move out within the next week.

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    • Thank you for your reply.

      It was my place before he moved in, so I'm not going anywhere!!! :) But I have a locksmith coming tomorrow.

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