I'm so afraid to date since being divorced. Anyone else feel this way?

I am 100% over my ex husband. Perhaps this is due to the marriage being gutwrenchingly horrible and painful for me.

I am not quite ready to date, still enjoying my freedom.
But those I've gotten close to-- I feel so empty when we are out of touch.

I am a "loner" and know how to be alone. But there is something nice about sharing my time with someone. At first I always feel a bit miffed to have someone come in on my solitude. Then I get used to the contact.

So I think about a real relationship and will I feel dependent on them, or so upset if it doesn't work out?

I'm 30, married my high school sweetheart. Haven't dated before.. I'm just afraid to get too close to anyone.

Can anyone relate or offer any wisdom on this?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Yes. I am 45. My wife divorced me after 25 years together and 20 years of marriage. I didn't want anything to do with divorce, I wanted her to fight for our marriage. she quit. Then she has completely thrown me away. she tries her best to make it seem I never existed. she would do an say things every week or two that were painful and just done to get a reaction from me and hurt me as much as possible. The last thing she threw in my face was she cheated at the very end of our marriage. even though our final date was already set. I have been completely destroyed during this process.
    I can literally count on one hand the number of women I have gone out with in my life. I went on dates but never dated, never had an actual GF. I had one drunken thing when I lost my virginity then I met my ex-wife. other then a year in the military I lived at home until I married.
    So I am 45, been with 2 women in my life, have no idea how to date, never lived on my own, completely devastated. I mean Nobody wanted me when I was young, thin and had hair. Nobody is going to want me looking like I do. I am not someone any woman will want.
    I was lost until she threw that fact that she cheated at me. I really did lose it but that caused me to bottom out. It pushed me past a mental block I have had and I have been a different person since. I was able to channel the devestation into anger. I realize she can only hurt me if I allow her to hurt me.
    SO I was at the gym last week Monday and saw someone I thought I recognized from school. I decided "screw it" and just went up and talked to her. We really hit it off. we have been on a few dates in the last 9 days. up until 2 days ago I was so happy I couldn't believe it.
    **** if you could please do a search for my question that is called:
    Ladies, is it over before it began?
    *********
    she has helped me get past this deep depression and made me happier then I have been in years. You just need to choose to be happy.

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    • I didn't think I would be ready to date for 6 months to a year at least. she has been better for me than any amount of therapy. she makes me feel good about myself. she makes me believe that maybe I am not going to be alone the rest of my life. maybe a there is a woman out there that will find me attractive.

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What Guys Said 5

  • You can share time with interesting men without having to feel that you are on a date. It could be meeting for lunch or just coffee. It could be spending a little extra time talking to him at coffee hour after church. It could be giving him more attention at gatherings you both attend. When you find guys you enjoy that with you can let things get closer and have actual dates. You should feel comfortable doing it that way and find company you enjoy.

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  • Humans aren't meant to be alone. Getting too close to someone and having them leave is a risk you just have to learn to take with life. I'd much rather have that then never experience the joys of a relationship just to protect my heart from possible pain down the way. Seems an awfully empty way to live your life, in my opinion.

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  • You still consider him sweetheart. That's so nice of you.

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  • You may be relating your first experince too every other or holding the only standard you know to everone else a little selfish

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  • A few ways you can handle it - force yourself to not be a loner, hang out with friends - when you're ready to date again you'll know. Until then just fill your time with as many activities that you enjoy.

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What Girls Said 3

  • Because you came out of a painful experience in a mind boggling marriage, ending with a bad divorce, you are not quite ready to get involved in another Real relationship as of yet. And although you are this "loner," you are afraid to get too close to anyone right now, in fear it may be a replica of a "gutwrenchingly horrible" marriage you were mixed up in. And if things in this romance rendezvous go wrong, you will be left alone again, to lick your wounds and endure the agony of another familiar failure.
    Being you have only dated your high school hubby, you became accustomed to just One man in your life. And now that he and you are no longer tied together, you are feeling scared to find someone else to love, perhaps not knowing whether or not you could trust him, lean on him or even feel secure with him, or just----anyone now. You're lonely, you want to share something with someone.
    Take your time, and make sure you are ready to meet someone new, who just might be the right one in time for you. And if you have met someone and are feeling "miffed" that he may have intruded on your turf, your privacy, yet when he is with you, you are afraid to get too close, then maybe you should just go slow, and not commit yourself to anything until you are prepared mentally in mind and in soul with him.
    Good luck.xx

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  • Past experiences shouldn't have to dictate the future ones. Take your time to feel being alone and free until you shake off those negative feelings accumulated from the past.

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  • I didn't date for over two years after my divorce. Partly because I just wanted to focus on getting both of my kids of to college, but a lot of it was me not really wanting to deal with men. My ex and I were together for about 19 years and he was the only guy I'd so much as kissed.
    Eventually though, I decided I wanted a relationship and for the last couple of years I've been working on that with some very mixed results, but I'm still optimistic.
    My point I guess is just to be patient with yourself, the feelings you're having are normal and there's no rush so take your time. 😊

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