There's something I've been wondering about the whole cheating thing..?

I always wondered something why is it that whenever a cheater gets caught or found out, it's usually the cheater's lover that ends up getting cussed out, threatened, or assaulted. I mean the lover isn't the one that was in the committed relationship, it was the spouse or the boyfriend/girlfriend that did the betrayal.
I just wanted to know if other people thought about that as well:-)

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I totally agree and have always asked this question myself.
    Half the time, the person your spouse is cheating with, doesn't even know that your spouse is taken.. So it's in NO way their fault.
    If the person your spouse was cheating with KNEW your spouse was in a relationship.. I still think it's a complete waste of time to get mad or angry at them b.c. that person is no more than a piece of sht and at that point, you should just dump your spouse b.c. two pieces of sht deserve each other.

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    • Thanks for MH.

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What Guys Said 6

  • It's because it goes like this. "I catch my wife cheating, I can choose to be mad at one of two people, my wife or the guy she banged. If I am mad at her, then that means she was either unsatisified by me (which hurts my self esteem) or that I was played (which also hurts my self esteem)...or I can be mad at this evil guy who took advantage of my wife"

    Can you see why people choose the latter?

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    • Yeah I guess so...I've never been in a relationship yet but I've witnessed it all the time, but I see what you mean.

    • Something similar to this but it's actually closer to the fact that the person is "removed" from the situation. When you feel an intense emotion you are more likely to focus that emotion, if negative, on distant or unrelated elements than present ones. This is esp. true in people who caught someone breaking their trust; usually the person who is the furthest removed takes the brunt and it's because it is easier to express this with less emotional confusion.

      Kind of curious how that works. You have the villain who is the DEFINITE villain.

  • Id never be mad at "Cheater's lover" if that happen? Altho if cheaters lover knew my thing with em. Id want both of them dead

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  • Because it's easier to deal with anger than betrayal. Anger is easily relieved through physical or verbal violence, but the betrayal of the person you love breaks your heart and messes with you on an emotional level that you simply can't find simple relief from. It also often causes you to feel guilty and inadequate. So that's where your mind goes: the bitch that your partner liked better than you enough to hurt you.

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  • I agree with you. The Cheater is to blame, not his or her lover. A lot of times the person involved with the cheater didn't know he/she was taken already. Even if they were aware, I would still be more pissed at my partner.

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  • Yes and in the same way manytimes our parents gets blames for any of our mistakes..

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What Girls Said 5

  • Yes I agree with you.
    But at the same time I understand why people end up blaming the lover instead of the cheater. I don't agree with it, I simply understand it. It's so much easier to blame them than to accept the fact that you were cheated on by someone you love. It's easier to think that your partner wouldn't have cheated if their lover hadn't "seduced" them. So anyone who ends up blaming the lover entirely is partially in denial. They're aware of the fact that their partner cheated, but they just don't want to face it.
    That being said, I do however thing the lover is somewhat responsible as well, especially if he/she was aware of the fact that the person he/she slept with was in a relationship. But that doesn't mean they should get all the blame of course.

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  • I personally have thought about this because I was led one by a guy for years while he was already with another woman a year more than me. We both thought we were in an exclusive serious relationship with him. When it all hit the fan we both took it out on each other.
    As I've grown up I thought more and more about why I would be mad at her... technically she was his first and she was in the same position as me. I've always regretted the way I handled the situation.

    I think it will always depend on the the circumstances of the situation. Like already said by others if the person knows they are with someone who isn't single that's obviously wrong. I think it is easier to blame someone you don't have an emotional connection with.

    I know when I have found out I was being cheated on I was overwhelmed with sadness and confusion as to why I was betrayed and disrespected... no rational thoughts are crossing my mind at that point lol.

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  • Because love is blind

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  • Well if that person knows that whoever they're having sex with is married or has a girlfriend/boyfriend and theyre still willing to have sex with them, I think they are also a big part of the problem because instead of leaving so the relationship could work or won't work on its own, they decided to have sex. Of course theyre not the biggest problem, but they decided to interfer with someone's marriage or whatever and I think thats also a major problem. But yea, the cheater should get most of the blame

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    • Agreed...people these days don't seem to have any respect for other people's relationships as long as they "get what they want". This is why i'm single paranoid about getting into a relationship.

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    • Good answer:-)

    • thanks :)

  • I think this happens because the person is invested in the relationship, they believe and trust their partner. It's easier on the heart and mind to make the assumption that the lover is evil and 'stole' your partner away from you. It's denial, basically. If your partner is happy with the relationship you have, they cannot be stolen.

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    • Mmmm ok that makes a lot of sense as well. I'm just nervous about getting into a relationship that's all, been single my whole life so far so I don't know what to expect out there:-)

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